Surrounded By Glass

[Guest SuperFlyGal]

I tried so hard to obtain freedom from the world of glass lies I had built around myself. I rebelled, ran away, took shelter, and for a brief moment thought that by doing this I'd be free. Instead things turned around against me as I wanted to have some connection to my parents still. So I left my shelter and safety and feel into their trap where I was forced to return home to an Islamic father who despised what I had done and a Christian mother who for all her good just saw it as a cry for attention, a phase. I was defeated, humiliated, and finally I gave in to them, obeyed them and once again surrounded myself with lies made out of glass pretending the world was better with me being "normal".

I tried so hard to connect to others, to make friends, to fall in love, but everything felt fake and terrible. I had soon pushed all of my thoughts of freedom to the back of my mind, only letting it slip out every once in a blue moon where I cried myself to sleep. However, recently my pain is increasing and I feel detached as I live in my glass world trying my hardest to pretend I can live a happy "normal" life as this thing that I've let myself become. But it hurts so much now, and the thoughts come and go so freely, I can't control my dreams or desires and am walking a thin line leading towards my freedom with despair below me. If I succeed I burn the line and say good-bye to everyone I've ever known, forget my life as it was for 18 years and live in pure happiness as a woman. If I feel though, pushed down by the strong gusts of doubt and fear I'll drown in my own misery and live forever as some abomination of what I'm told is right.

So I've come here, because if I fall this time there is no second chance for me. I'm not as strong as I sound and it hurts me trying to sort out my feelings and figure out my path. I don't want to die in this skin and that is the only thing that keeps me alive, the thought of dying like this is so sickening to me. At the same time though the glass has been cracking and shattering slowly around me for these past two years and now almost none of it remains to protect me from the world. Will I die never fulfilling my wishes, or will I live and never see my family again? I sort out the information daily, but still none of it makes much sense to me and as I try to find help I realize that I am poor and not working as hard as I can be. Between working, loving, and the pressure of all the lies I must now tell I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm sorry if I've been cryptic, but I speak easier when I tell a story. This is the truth about me and I hope you understand my situation from it. Thank you for reading and I hope to be a good member of your community.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

I read your story and I think you are in the right place. I cannot remember an Islamic connection with anyone and cannot but help think personally, I would really be fascinated with that imput to our community. So please come in and read a bit and make comments. We would also like you to ask us questions and such when you feel comfortable.

This place is very diverse and you will enjoy it I think

Good to have you here.

Lizzy

[MaryEllen]

Hello SuperFlyGal,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Come on in and make yourself comfortable. If you have questions, don't be afraid to ask.

MaryEllen

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome to Laura's Playground, SuperFlyGal.

[Sally]

Welcome to the forums, SuperFlyGirl,

I 'normally' (if that ridiculous word should even be used here) offer newbies hot coco and cookies and a warm place by the fire, so I am inviting you in.

I do understand how you feel and the thought of loosing your family is horrible, but you have to weigh it against losing yourself - I haven't until now and I have spent 57 years in the life that you have discribed, think about that when you are making your decision.

The food is virtual, but the warmth and caring are real.

We don't judge, we do care and I have to tell you that I cried while I read your story, it hits so close to so many of us.

Come here and I'll give you a hug.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hello, SuperFlyGal....

Very telling story...thank you for sharing with us!

Maybe by being here you can sort out some of your feelings and begin to establish some solutions to your problems. We try so hard to help and we really do care.....Many people benefit from reading many of the others posts and sometimes it helps make the way a little more clear...

Please don't be afraid to ask questions...people of all ages and of different genders may offer help and advice....that's because they care....

Please make yourself part of the community and join in......OK?

Thank you for coming....

Donna Jean

[Guest SuperFlyGal]

Islam is not a bad religion in itself, much like Christianity. It has taught me much about respect and love for others, but beyond that has never answered much for me spiritually or emotionally. The problem is that it seems more hard-nosed and people use it as a way to justify their actions and bigotry.

I love my family, but at the same time could throw them away as they've stabbed me in the back multiple times before. My sister went and told my parents my secret, brandishing it proudly just to humiliate my dad and her step-father, my parents had me arrested, and my little brother remained in the dark as always. To be honest, I care for them, but my patience has run very thin.

The help I really need the most with is sorting out all the information available to me. I'm completely lost with everything being thrown at me right now.

[Sally]

Read all that you can and ask questions, once you get to the 5th post the Private Messaging system becomes available and you can send questions to anyone that you would like without having them in the open forums.

So read and see who you think is most like you and in a similar situation and then you can ask them for more personal answers that can invole more information than we would normally allow in the open forums.

I hope that will help you,

Sally

[Guest SuperFlyGal]

Thank you very much then. I'll try to find the information I need and be an active member here.

[Paula ult]

Hi SuperFlyGal,

Welcome, you have come to the right place for support and get answers. I liken your "world of glass" to the box i built around myself for the last 56 years, i also tried to make friends and connect with others but i was so withdrawn, introverted and shy i only had a few real friends over the years and even then i tended to push them away. As far as marriage goes my mother when she was alive would ask me when i was going to find a girl and get married and give her grand kids, that too was never going to happen because i am asexual.

When i came out to my 89 year old religious stepfather he was very accepting and said life is too short not to be happy, something i tell everyone these days. Therapy and HRT over the last 10 months have changed me in many ways, the most notable is I'm not shy, introverted or withdrawn anymore, and others see the big change and finally i am making friends and enjoying life. I saw two choices, one make everyone else happy or two make myself happy.

Paula.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Sally offered - Read all that you can and ask questions, once you get to the 5th post the Private Messaging system becomes available and you can send questions to anyone that you would like without having them in the open forums. I will also offer.

PM me with any questions. I have been at this a long time, but I am a rather newly self-discovered MTF. I will gladly share the process that has us where we all are, most everyone will.

Elizabeth

[Guest Jackson]

Welcome, SuperFlyGal. Now if you have any questions, just ask. We're all here for you.