Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Surrounded By Glass


Guest SuperFlyGal

Recommended Posts

Guest SuperFlyGal

I tried so hard to obtain freedom from the world of glass lies I had built around myself. I rebelled, ran away, took shelter, and for a brief moment thought that by doing this I'd be free. Instead things turned around against me as I wanted to have some connection to my parents still. So I left my shelter and safety and feel into their trap where I was forced to return home to an Islamic father who despised what I had done and a Christian mother who for all her good just saw it as a cry for attention, a phase. I was defeated, humiliated, and finally I gave in to them, obeyed them and once again surrounded myself with lies made out of glass pretending the world was better with me being "normal".

I tried so hard to connect to others, to make friends, to fall in love, but everything felt fake and terrible. I had soon pushed all of my thoughts of freedom to the back of my mind, only letting it slip out every once in a blue moon where I cried myself to sleep. However, recently my pain is increasing and I feel detached as I live in my glass world trying my hardest to pretend I can live a happy "normal" life as this thing that I've let myself become. But it hurts so much now, and the thoughts come and go so freely, I can't control my dreams or desires and am walking a thin line leading towards my freedom with despair below me. If I succeed I burn the line and say good-bye to everyone I've ever known, forget my life as it was for 18 years and live in pure happiness as a woman. If I feel though, pushed down by the strong gusts of doubt and fear I'll drown in my own misery and live forever as some abomination of what I'm told is right.

So I've come here, because if I fall this time there is no second chance for me. I'm not as strong as I sound and it hurts me trying to sort out my feelings and figure out my path. I don't want to die in this skin and that is the only thing that keeps me alive, the thought of dying like this is so sickening to me. At the same time though the glass has been cracking and shattering slowly around me for these past two years and now almost none of it remains to protect me from the world. Will I die never fulfilling my wishes, or will I live and never see my family again? I sort out the information daily, but still none of it makes much sense to me and as I try to find help I realize that I am poor and not working as hard as I can be. Between working, loving, and the pressure of all the lies I must now tell I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm sorry if I've been cryptic, but I speak easier when I tell a story. This is the truth about me and I hope you understand my situation from it. Thank you for reading and I hope to be a good member of your community.

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

I read your story and I think you are in the right place. I cannot remember an Islamic connection with anyone and cannot but help think personally, I would really be fascinated with that imput to our community. So please come in and read a bit and make comments. We would also like you to ask us questions and such when you feel comfortable.

This place is very diverse and you will enjoy it I think

Good to have you here.

Lizzy

Link to comment
  • Root Admin

Hello SuperFlyGal,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Come on in and make yourself comfortable. If you have questions, don't be afraid to ask.

MaryEllen :)

Link to comment

Welcome to the forums, SuperFlyGirl,

I 'normally' (if that ridiculous word should even be used here) offer newbies hot coco and cookies and a warm place by the fire, so I am inviting you in.

I do understand how you feel and the thought of loosing your family is horrible, but you have to weigh it against losing yourself - I haven't until now and I have spent 57 years in the life that you have discribed, think about that when you are making your decision.

The food is virtual, but the warmth and caring are real.

We don't judge, we do care and I have to tell you that I cried while I read your story, it hits so close to so many of us.

Come here and I'll give you a hug.

Love ya,

Sally

Link to comment
Guest Donna Jean

Hello, SuperFlyGal....

Very telling story...thank you for sharing with us!

Maybe by being here you can sort out some of your feelings and begin to establish some solutions to your problems. We try so hard to help and we really do care.....Many people benefit from reading many of the others posts and sometimes it helps make the way a little more clear...

Please don't be afraid to ask questions...people of all ages and of different genders may offer help and advice....that's because they care....

Please make yourself part of the community and join in......OK?

Thank you for coming....

Donna Jean

Link to comment
Guest SuperFlyGal

Islam is not a bad religion in itself, much like Christianity. It has taught me much about respect and love for others, but beyond that has never answered much for me spiritually or emotionally. The problem is that it seems more hard-nosed and people use it as a way to justify their actions and bigotry.

I love my family, but at the same time could throw them away as they've stabbed me in the back multiple times before. My sister went and told my parents my secret, brandishing it proudly just to humiliate my dad and her step-father, my parents had me arrested, and my little brother remained in the dark as always. To be honest, I care for them, but my patience has run very thin.

The help I really need the most with is sorting out all the information available to me. I'm completely lost with everything being thrown at me right now.

Link to comment

Read all that you can and ask questions, once you get to the 5th post the Private Messaging system becomes available and you can send questions to anyone that you would like without having them in the open forums.

So read and see who you think is most like you and in a similar situation and then you can ask them for more personal answers that can invole more information than we would normally allow in the open forums.

I hope that will help you,

Sally

Link to comment

Hi SuperFlyGal,

Welcome, you have come to the right place for support and get answers. I liken your "world of glass" to the box i built around myself for the last 56 years, i also tried to make friends and connect with others but i was so withdrawn, introverted and shy i only had a few real friends over the years and even then i tended to push them away. As far as marriage goes my mother when she was alive would ask me when i was going to find a girl and get married and give her grand kids, that too was never going to happen because i am asexual.

When i came out to my 89 year old religious stepfather he was very accepting and said life is too short not to be happy, something i tell everyone these days. Therapy and HRT over the last 10 months have changed me in many ways, the most notable is I'm not shy, introverted or withdrawn anymore, and others see the big change and finally i am making friends and enjoying life. I saw two choices, one make everyone else happy or two make myself happy.

Paula.

Link to comment
Guest Elizabeth K

Sally offered - Read all that you can and ask questions, once you get to the 5th post the Private Messaging system becomes available and you can send questions to anyone that you would like without having them in the open forums. I will also offer.

PM me with any questions. I have been at this a long time, but I am a rather newly self-discovered MTF. I will gladly share the process that has us where we all are, most everyone will.

Elizabeth

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   2 Members, 0 Anonymous, 58 Guests (See full list)

    • Lydia_R
    • Ashley0616
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.8k
    • Total Posts
      770.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,103
    • Most Online
      8,356

    BUGFIEND
    Newest Member
    BUGFIEND
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Ale975
      Ale975
      (27 years old)
    2. BillieB
      BillieB
      (65 years old)
    3. BrokenDays
      BrokenDays
      (34 years old)
    4. Bryson
      Bryson
      (25 years old)
    5. Jolie
      Jolie
  • Posts

    • Lydia_R
      Here is a legible copy (hopefully):    
    • Lydia_R
      I pulled this out of a stack of old military mementos yesterday.  I guess I didn't realize how cool this one was because I did so much of this kind of thing back then.    
    • Lydia_R
      This internet video thing is pretty amazing.  I'd call it Zoom, but there are other platforms out there.  I prefer Zoom over Teams because Zoom puts me and everyone else in the same picture.  I like seeing the whole group in one shot.  Teams of course is about having so many people that you can't get them in the shot, or is it?   Just saying that I have never met any of my counselors in person.  Doctors, of course I have and I am lucky there.  They are 3.5 miles from my house as is the main transgender surgery place in town.  I've been doing virtual visits with the medical doctors lately though.  It feels like once I became steady state, they don't need to interact with me physically that much.  I have enjoyed going into their office in my nice clothing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I guess a lot depends on where you start and where you wanna end up.  For me, doing the "boy form" thing has come with disadvantages.  Smaller skeleton, thinner bones, and skinny/tiny everything.  I'll never be taken seriously.  I guess the advantage is that my way of blending in is just kind of confusing.  "Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?"    One of the biggest arguments for starting transition early in life is I think it gives a person a greater ability to pass.  My two MtF friends started early, and pass really well.  They never got to the larger bone structure, beard, deep voice stuff.  Me being intersex (which is more complicated) and not getting around to "boy form" until my 30's, my body size and features were pretty much set in stone.      You're lucky.  Some folks pay all that and more, even AFTER insurance.  One of my friends faced the choice last year - pay for her final year of college or pay for her meds.  She's taken a year off from college to work and save up money to finish.    My medical expenses have been more injury-related than therapy or medication   The state covered some of it with a fund for crime victims, insurance covered a lot, but there's ended up being a few thousand dollars spent out-of-pocket since 2022 to put me back together again.  I've never found a decent therapist, but my husband has a psych degree among other things, so I figure talking with him is almost as good.  I do have a good doctor, although I have to drive a long way to a big city to see her.  Mostly she takes a basic look at me, and writes another year's prescription.  Since I'm non-op and only using testosterone cream for a localized effect, its pretty simple stuff. 
    • Lydia_R
      I'm a tracker and I've paid for 100% of my transition costs out of pocket.  Counseling was a huge, huge part of my transition and well worth my money.  Not to be uppity about all of this.  I'm just sharing information I have because I have it and it may be useful for others.  Here is my analysis of my spending on transition over the last 2.5 years:   Medical Doctors and Blood Draws: $2,397 Counseling: $3,800 Medications (brand name): $2,702.85 Medications (generic): $485.39 Total: $9,385.24   I picked up on the internet early in transition that transition is a consumer activity.  I tend to agree with that.   This year (Jan - May 18th, 2024), I've spent: Medical Doctors: $102 Medications: $241.52 Total: $343.52   So I'm on a much more sustainable path with it.  I'm pretty happy with where I am with it, although I do still desire surgery and am nervous about how that will all unfold.  But my doctors have me on this steady state thing.  I could seek out other medications, but what I'm doing is good enough.  Oh, I'm missing something....  I did a bunch of electrolysis that didn't appear to have any effect.  I've always enjoyed shaving and I use pink shaving cream now (I've got some lipstick blond in me).  It's good enough.  Not sure if I'll do electro or laser in the future.  The need to shave my body has become less and less.  Before HRT, I was shaving my body weekly or even every 5 days.  Now it is more like 2-3 weeks.  Everyone's body hair is different.  My beard is very coarse and stiff while my body hair has been somewhat minimal and light.  It's nice to have smooth legs and not have to shave as much.   Counseling was $200/session.  I tried one or two counselors before I found one who resonated with where I really was.  When I was prescribed HRT, I didn't fill the prescription until 4 months later.  I had to take some time to decide that I really wanted to take on that lifetime financial commitment.  And of course the possibly negative health consequences too, but I think I was actually thinking more about the finances of it all.  Maybe 51%.   I did a lot of work to revitalize my career before jumping into medical transition.  I started counseling 3 months before I got the best paying job of my life.  The pressure of wanting to transition was so great that I couldn't wait any longer.  She was coming out.  Even though I had very little money, I splurged on some nice dresses and a full length mirror and then started counseling.  Sometimes you just have to move forward and hope for the best.  Other times it is better to wait and do some hard work.  The grace of it all..
    • Ivy
      And when the pressure is released it sucks in heat.  I had a regulator leaking and it was covered with ice.  It's how a heat pump works as well.   Why do they always pick names like this?  It's like the exact opposite of what it really is. I hate politics so much.  But I still have to follow it.
    • Lydia_R
      Wonderful!  This reminds me of a discussion I had with my brother a decade ago.  I said that things expand when they get hotter.  He said, no, they expand when they get colder.  And I had to think about that for a while.  The weird thing is that H20 is special in that when it reaches freezing, it expands.   The pressure makes the cold and then we see the condensation.
    • KatieSC
      I used to have a really good therapist, however, she does not accept health insurance reimbursement fees as they are too low. I had to pay 130 per session. When she decided to jack the rates to 185 per hour, I cut bait. Without a doubt, counseling is very helpful. What concerns me greatly is that we are a vulnerable population. Unfortunately, we can easily be targeted for some pretty high fees. How many of us have been in the situation where our healthcare provider, surgeons, or counselors, have required cash payments? We get jammed as well by the health insurance companies as they often will not pay for items that could be essential to our well-being. It is my contention that our chances of being targeted for violence, death, or harassment, go up when we cannot easily blend in with the female population.    For those of us that are MTF, some of us are blessed with more feminine features, and many of us are not. We get the whammy of a larger skeleton, bigger hands, bigger feet, a beard, a deep voice, and masculine face. It takes a lot for some of us to be able to blend in. My belief is that the better we blend in, the better chance we have of not being targeted. In this, electrolysis, facial feminizing/gender affirming facial surgery, voice/speech therapy with voice feminization/gender affirming voice surgery, and body contouring are all potentially lifesaving. Unfortunately, many of the insurance companies deem the procedures as cosmetic, and yet there is no cosmetic that fixes all of these issues.    If you pay your money, you can get anything you want in this world. The sad reality is that for us, many of these procedures would enhance our lives tremendously, yet we face ongoing battles with our very existence. Yeah, an empathetic therapist helps, but is it just the concept of reasonable empathy at a reasonable cost? When my therapist jacked her rates to 185 per hour, I said enough is enough. Your mileage may vary.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I don't think the temperature matters as much.  Think about how gases like CO2 are stored in cylinders, and they are basically the same in summer or winter.  Any gas becomes liquid under enough pressure.  What does matter is the strength of the pressure vessel.  If exposed to excess external heat, pressure increases and can burst a tank or a pipe.  Household propane tanks are often painted white or silver and have safety release valves, because sunlight can heat a tank enough to cause a significant increase in internal pressure, even though the contents remain liquid. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      It has been a long week, and I think this weekend is going to be pretty busy.  The high school is having their graduation later today.  Although we don't have any grads in our family this year, my husband is going because he's involved with the school.  And tonight there's the torchlight ceremony for the county cadets who are finishing their program, and the reading of assignments for the new seniors.  One of my stepkids will be a senior this year.  She's talented, and will be assigned a squad leader position.  My husband is really proud of her, and she's well-liked by her peers even though she's very quiet and serious.    I might get to go on a trip to Texas this week.  The storms that hit Houston caused a lot of electrical damage, so no doubt the utilities in that area will be ordering stuff from my husband's company.  When the big hurricane hit Florida in 2022, we made several trips there with badly-needed equipment, and the entire transportation department was involved in the first convoy.  When he travels, I usually want to go along, since 1-on-1 time is kind of rare for us. 
    • Mmindy
    • Lydia_R
      Maybe surface tension?   I was in a political debate yesterday and it got way too focused on social stuff and I just had to steer the conversation back to how natural gas transitions to a liquid under pressure.  One of the people I was debating had a career working in that field and it was a good opportunity to expose stuff like that.  He mentioned that it isn't just pressure, it is temperature too.  So then I mentioned how the lines are running underground and asked how that played a role in it.  He came back saying that natural gas is a liquid under pressure.  I guess I didn't get a straight answer on that, but it did move my thinking one step down the road.  Perhaps I should have been more direct with him and asked him at what temperature and pressure.  Is there a chart?   I feel people would be better off if they paid more attention to the objects in their environment instead of focusing on some of the things that we hear so much of in the news.  People are pretty clueless as to how much trigonometry plays a role in so many things in our society.  Even land surveyors don't really use it anymore because programmers locked it away in a function.  Much like how cascading style sheets (CSS) is a wrapper for math.  I wonder what former president Trump thinks about all of that?  He must have some knowledge of how his buildings are constructed, right?  There certainly is a part of me that thinks he is just putting on a show about all of this.  Perhaps I'm wrong though.  All kinds of people in the world.
    • Jani
      Me as well.  I can use my left hand for many tasks though.
    • Jani
      Hello Jennifer and welcome back.  I find New England to be a great place to live.  I have a number of acquaintances and friends in Maine and I love the state.  It seems you are doing well.     Hugs,  Jani
    • MirandaB
      Oh, my "maybe this person is an egg" story is the (male presenting) piercing person and I discussed body hair removal methods, he says he doesn't want any hair except on his head, which is what I said during a couple hair removal sessions before and just after the egg cracked.     
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...