I suppose I should address this ...

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Hi all,

I should tell you a story, and I'm not sure whether this belongs here or somewhere else, but here goes.

I never really knew what I wanted to do with my life career wise. I'd never really thought about it; I actually thought I was missing half of myself, I suppose everyone knows what that's like, though. I became a courier and liked it (albeit my boss was skimming off the top from us); It was also at this time that I did marijuana to relax after a long day of 10-12 hours. I went to school for framing (constrction) at the request of an aunt's boyfriend. I quote: "if you stay a courier, that's all you'll ever be. But if you go to school, you could be something more." which I thought was a very reasonable thing to do. It was also at this time that I had a certain ... male procedure (I doubt I can say the word) done often at birth. Though it was my choice.

After finishing school I had a few jobs in construction, and after 4 unsuccessfull attempts at it, I've come to the conclusion that it isn't me. So I decided to look deeper within myself, because there has to be SOMETHING that I can do with my life that I like, and pays well. Well, I've always enjoyed helping people. If I know the answer, and it's within my capacity to do so, I'll help you. I've also always found that I enjoy firearms, and I have a strong ethicallity for the law. I also came to a pretty shocking realization that I don't belong in a male's body. So currently, I am trying to become a police officer (or higher). Is it just me, or does that seem like an impossible goal, being an mtf wanting to aspire to being a cop/higher?

Anyways, I don't use marijuana anymore, don't smoke cigarettes, because I have to be drug free as an officer. Now, naturally I saw my alcohol intake increase as my marijuana use stops to a skidding halt, from a mile away. I enjoy being intoxicated. It makes me think outside the box, and opens my mind to new ideas. Hell, I realized I was a woman trapped in a male's body while under the influence! In my opinion, everyone should be able to come home after a long day at work, and just mellow down. Have a few drinks (I don't advocate marijuana unless it's for medical purposes) to calm the nerves, relax you, and help you prepare for the next day of work.

So, with that information, AM I abusing alcohol? I've read the alcohol abuse forum and concluded that I MAY be an alcoholic. I personally don't think I am, but many alcoholics are selfish, and don't notice.

I have talked to my doctor about the transgender, and she's looking for a place that knows what she doesn't, I will ask there also, but I want to see what my peers think.

Natalya<3

[VickySGV]

Here is the question I proposed to a group I was talking to last night, "Do you control the alcohol, or does it control you?" That is also a frequent question that I ask during our Sunday evening AA/NA Chats (9 PM eastern US time) when a new person comes in. You have to be the one that answers that question, and you may be fine controlling your alcohol for a long time, but there could, (not absolutely will), come a day when that changes, and it becomes harder and harder for you to to control it. The safest answer is of course, assume you will be controlled by alcohol, and give it up. No one known to date has died of alcohol deprivation, but the opposite is all too true. It took me many years to develop the full blown symptoms of alcohol addiction, but my own tale of the descent into the Hell is pretty typical of what has happened to all too many people. I am nearing my 6th anniversary of sobriety that has brought me 5 years of HRT serenity, and now 21 months of being bodily complete for my life.

What other things can you do to get the relaxation and stress relief you say that alcohol brings? There are a lot of those things out there, and if you do have GD, it is possible that the counseling and social interaction with other Trans* folks can provide some of that. HRT has been wonderful to me in helping to calm my mind and help me to be authentic in day to day life without the stress I once had. Honesty with ourselves as to who and what we are also relieves the stress in ways it is hard to imagine at first. This can be reached in counseling and support venues, and you may find that the alcohol is manageable that way, although a bunch of tipsy Trans* folk can be pretty mind boggling. You do NOT have to drink to be out and in public with friends though. I never drank while I was out CDing (as I first thought was my GD limit) and was clean for 9 months before I began HRT, and have not looked back on wanting to drink ever since.

As far as your taking a law enforcement job, well, many people with GD do try to prove their birth gender to themselves and others by doing hyper masculine or feminine occupations, even if only for a short time. The same with your construction job there too. On the other hand, there are different ways to be in law enforcement that cross the genders. Field investigators for family services and child welfare are law enforcement. I was an Administrative Law Enforcement agent for 33 years before I retired. I have two friends who are Trans* who transitioned in their Deputy Sheriff positions here in my county and both are happy and at reasonably high ranks (a Lieutenant, and a Captain) in their department. One works as liaison with the GLBT community. Hopefully if you make it in your law enforcement career, you will be one of the ones to fairly enforce your laws and more easily respect the true dignity of all people because of your own life situation.

[Guest Kayla Grace]

thanks, Vicki. To say honestly, I think that truly, I don't know what to think when it comes to me controlling it, or vice versa. last night, I started wanting to drink, even though I said I wouldn't, not because I thought it controlled me, but because drinking HEAVILY impedes my weight loss goals. it was a little difficult last night I must say, but I got talking with a very good friend (not trans*, but a good friend nonetheless), and I didn't drink, time just ... flew by. I didn't even think about it. drinking has only crossed my mind today because I'm talking about it. Until I've hit my weight goal, I doubt I'll drink more then once a week, but I can't predict what will happen after said thing happens.

I never drink at bars, clubs, etc. 1, they're way too expensive, and 2, I can't say I have friends that go out to said places. really either I drink alone, with my gf sometimes joining me, or I have a friend over and we're sitting in the back yard, all drinking and just talking.

I wanted to do construction because it paid well, and I decided I'd rather try, and fail, then not try at all. It had nothing to do with proving my gender. I'm considering law enforcement because it involves helping others, and that has always been a goal of mine, to help others. I want to help others because it will give me a sense of importance, and I love feeling important. not for the power it gives, but because of the feeling it gives me inside. I think that if I could save just one person's life, it would make me cry the happiest tears I've ever shed.

That's good info on you having friends that are trans* and in law enforcement, it makes it even better that they were decent rank

What did you do in your administrater position, if I may ask?

If I ever became anything law enforcement, things would change. There would be no discrimination against myself, or anyone else. I could go so far as to say that trans* folk are probably among the best law enforcement, because we've been there, we know how it feels. And we wouldn't tolerate it.

Natalya <3

[VickySGV]

In my case, the Administrative aka Executive branch of the government involved tax law compliance. 3/5 of the work was education and public service. The other 2/5 did involve hard core orders for third parties to pay money they owed the debtor to the state. There were some other things we did as well where it gave the citizen no choice but to pay the debt, but I had professional discretion in those areas. I had a badge, but did not carry a firearm nor personally arrest people, you might even say that my pen was my enforcement tool. Other Adminsitrative Law jobs do involve child welfare, consumer protection law, civil rights issues and things of that nature. You may find you need to get some college level class work for most of those, but they are very satisfying.

You took a very good step in simply talking to your friend last night and avoiding the booze, that is actually one of the things that works well, and why those of us in AA are always ready to talk with and "be there" for other people for whom an hour of chatting will prevent possible tragedy. We have an acronym HALT that stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired that describes the danger times for alcohol use, and when use becomes abuse pretty terribly.

As you go through Gender Therapy you will meet some interesting things about your own motivations that can really give you a giggle from time to time. I still like doing construction work myself, and carry it off in a couple of hobbies now that I am retired, -- so much for getting my nails done yesterday!!

[Guest Kayla Grace]

delete this messege if needed, i'm acknowledging it's off topic, and I apologize.

I think any member can pm any moderator without permission, but I'm checking, since I can't completely remember. May I pm you, vicky?

[Carolyn Marie]

delete this messege if needed, i'm acknowledging it's off topic, and I apologize.

I think any member can pm any moderator without permission, but I'm checking, since I can't completely remember. May I pm you, vicky?

Yes, you may PM Vicky or any Moderator, hon. You don't need to ask permission.

Carolyn Marie

[VickySGV]

Now that you are at 5+ posts, sure!! I need to see if my mailbox is too full though, but that is not a complaint.