Having a difficult time

[Guest Morgan79]

I am new on here. I am having a difficult time and I am not sure where to turn to, so I have decided to join this forum. Its nice to see so many wonderful people being so supportive. I am having trouble reconciling my desires to dress in women's clothing. I enjoy being a guy and everything that goes along with that, but I have always had an urge to want to try and wear women's clothes. The only extent I ever took it to was wearing panties on occasion, but I would purge because I would be upset at myself for not being a "normal" guy. I few years back I met the most wonderful woman in the world. She is my soul mate. I suspect that she always knew that something was different about me. She found out about my wearing panties by accident about a year ago. It created a lot of problems ever since, because I did not tell her about it, which admittedly was wrong. She at times was ok with it and at other times was not.

We have been in counseling for the past year and a lot of the sessions centered around my wearing panties. I said for the sake of the relationship that I would swear them off. However, the more I was denied the opportunity the more I wanted to wear them. I had a habit of looking up women's clothing online. I liked looking at the different choices women had with clothing and would often think about how nice it would be to go into a store and try them on. I never took it any further than that. My girlfriend discovered I looked up more than just underwear online and became enraged because there was more to just the underwear. I never wanted to admit that because I felt like if I never dressed in the clothes than I wasn't a cross dresser. Our therapist said that I needed to explore this side of me as much as possible to see where I am at in all of this. My girlfriend at times as been so supportive that she has helped me dress, sometimes even in her clothes. At other times she wants no part of it. I am finding out that I enjoy dressing in private as a fun activity and pastime, but I have no desire to dress in public or become a woman. I especially like when we share in the activity, because I feel it brings us closer together. We even joke about it, which alleviates the stress of the situation. Her largest concern is that if/when we have children that they don't find out, which I agreed. Still, I am feeling guilty that she thinks less of me as a man. I know it is terribly difficult on her because she says she is fine with people doing whatever they want to do, but it is different when it comes to a romantic relationship. This makes me feel even worse, because I am the man that she fell in love with I just happened to dress up in private here and there, but I am not doing anything harmful to anyone.

I am just having a terrible time, because everything else in our relationship has been amazing. It is just this one issue about me. I feel so sad, because I wish I could fix myself, I wish I could stop the thoughts and be the man she wants me to be. I wish I could've been more accepting of myself so that I could have figured it out before her and told her early on in the relationship instead of dealing with this now. I want to be with her for the rest of my life, but I sense her disappointment of me. I am not sure where to turn to because I feel so sad and so alone.

Sorry for the rambling. I am not sure what I am asking for, maybe any advice or input or anything from past experiences. I guess I just needed to get this out, too.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Morgan

[Charlize]

Morgan welcome to Laura's. We have many cross dressers here who will never transition and who are content simply dressing on occasion. It is only a small number who feel the need to live as women.

I'm glad you are talking this out with your girlfriend. This is an issue that is best explored early in a relationship.

I can't possibly know the best path for you but perhaps i might suggest you talk to a gender therapist who specializes in issues revolving around gender presentation and feelings. This might help you at first and later you can involve your girlfriend.

Meanwhile read and post here. We all understand and just knowing you are not alone in your feelings can help.

I will add that the hardest part of becoming fully honest about my issues was my relationship. That is the case for many here.

Hugs and again welcome,

Charlize

[Guest Eva Marie]

I also can't tell you the best path for you, but for me I tried to hide it. I could go sometimes months maybe a year, but I kept coming back to it. I had other issues you don't talk about. Then a couple months ago all these things came crashing down on me and I tried to take me out. Then I found a social worker that's is so much help! She is a god send. That for me to come to terms that I've always wanted to be female and one day I will. I'm not saying this is your path but a good social worker, shink or what ever can help. Maybe I would also talk to your girlfriend why support one day and freak out the next. Also find out how she feels about you, get it out now so ya'll can deal with it. Before you have kids and hate shows it's ugly head. I wish ya'll the best and please don't wait to long or try and hide yourself, cause sometime later it will bite you in the rear.

[tracy_j]

My take on things is never try to hide as that will breed mistrust! Also the more confident you are within yourself the more relaxed your girlfriend is likely to be. It is not something to be ashamed of for either of you. There will be rules to follow - mutually agreed - as if anything goes outside the walls of your house then she would have to deal with it as well as you. That is perhaps the main concern that my partner has raised. She is far less concerned when in an area where we are not known!

Talk to you girlfriend, keeping good open communication without pushing. She maybe feels let down and wonders what may come next. A relaxed atmosphere will likely heal things better and good understanding the at the heart of a good relationship!

Tracy

[Guest ashleynikole]

Welcome to Laura's Morgan. You are in good company here.

Please do be open and honest and communicate often with your girlfriend but also explore and understand this side of you. There is something keeping this around for some reason and if it's part of your personality, then you need to know that so you can express it just like any other part of your personality. If you liked to crack jokes and she told you to never crack another joke, wouldn't that be a strike against your personality and who you are? Doesn't sound like a fair thing to me.

Also, figure this out before there is marriage and children. The last thing you want is collateral damage if things blow up in the future. For what it's worth, I have 5 children and none of them have a problem with me transitioning. I'm not only dressing, but I'm trying to reverse all the damage testosterone did and rollback my biological sex to female and even changing my name. This is way different from just dressing and kids can handle the dressing because you'll always be the same dad, just with different clothes on. Kids are strong and resilient and flexible. However, they aren't invincible and it will be hard if you and your girlfriend end up splitting a marriage over this in the future.

Ask questions. Let us know how we can help.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest KatyDesire]

Hi Morgan, and welcome here. I think this is the right place.

I am by no means an expert, but I have read a lot. If a woman wanted a relationship with another woman, she wouldn't have started one with you in the first place. Her first fears are going to be: will you transition, and are you gay? It will be important for you to give her reassurance on both of those issues. There are a number of books out there which both of you can read - I found that helped a lot. "My husband Betty" comes to mind.

But most of all is to get to a gender therapist, to help both of you deal with this in the healthiest way possible.

Remember, you are not a pervert. You did nothing wrong to have this happen. You are completely normal. Its just that a lot of people out there hide their feelings and what they do, so we don't really know how many there are. The evidence is that we are all on a gender spectrum. Some of us are a bit over to the one side or the other, and that may not necessarily coincide with our physical sex.

There is no "cure", because you are not "sick". You may not be average, but you certainly are normal!

Keep writing in - this is a tough time, but there is a lot of support here.

Also remember, this "softer" side of you may well be one of the things that drew her to you in the first place.

Hugs.