Just some thoughts

[Guest PaperPencil]

Sorry in advance if this doesn't make sense. I'll try my best. I have too many thoughts right now.

I always think that I'll never be happy in life, never get to undergo surgery, never get to start hormones, never get to have the body I wanted (or as close as I could get). The thought of all the expenses and government work to go through weighs me down and whenever I start to think 'top surgery costs about $5000 on average' and 'hormones is a life-time investment'. My family has accepted my identity but they also worry of the same thing. They want me to get a stable life and career first, and then I can start with these. I also agree with them because that's just logical.

The thought of never being able to be a "man" scares me and makes me want to cry and not do anything. I know that being a "man" isn't defined by what body you have but I can't help it. Having a male mindset just wasn't enough for me.

My parents tell me that I shouldn't worry too much, I didn't have to come out to everyone and that my identity is my own personal thing. Basically they want me to focus on my career until I can support myself. Yes, they are correct. I don't have to worry about what others think about me, or their opinions about transgender people. But waking up everyday in this wrong body and having to live with it for the rest of my life (until I can somehow change it)... thinking about it makes me very sad. There are also times when it got so bad that I wished I wasn't even born, and the thought of suicide crossed my mind a couple of times. But I'm not killing myself, don't worry. I have no intention to. It's just that when I'm so deep in the dumps, my mind can't help it.

I know that I don't have to rush with things. There are people who start transitioning at age 30, 40, 50, 60, and so on. It's not impossible. I know. I really do. But it still scares me. Sometimes I don't even know if 'scare' is the right word to describe how I'm feeling. Hopeless? Depressed? I don't know.

Sorry, I'm just trying to get this off me. Now I'll go back to work.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

This is the story of my life pretty much even if the motivating reasons are slightly different. Unfortunately I don't really have much positive spin to give, just that I can feel where you're coming from.

[Ravin]

I think transition for trans people who need to do it is like having kids for people generally. There's never going to be a perfect time to do it. It's inevitably going to be expensive. But it makes life better in so many ways.

If you are at least 18, it's not truly up to your parents. You should get some counseling from a GT, and consider at least hormones, which don't cost that much.

I am waiting until established in my new career for chest surgery, but the other stuff wasn't overwhelmingly difficult to do during school (law school, in my case).

Waiting for "the right time" means being miserable in the mean time. And school, career, etc. will come easier if you aren't so miserable.

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I'm mtf, but I see where you're coming from, Paper. I'm in the very same situation.

So much costs ... so much paperwork ... It looks hopeless ... it's degrading ... it kills us mentally ...

All I can say is try your best to think happy thoughts. What I also suggest doing is crossing dressing if it makes you feel better. dress male, talk male, adopt a male attitude. Be the male you believe you were born to be.

You'll have to adopt the same things when you have surgery and go on hormones, so it'll prepare you.

Good luck, and don't ever give up!

Natalya <3

[Guest ChrisHughes]

I can some what relate but i see myself a little worse off (not something i like to admit but better then being delusional) I grew up knowing there was something wrong but because of being sheltered and raised to be ignorant,i didnt know anything until i was already 30. in my mid 30s--- over half of my life was gone and wasted on nothing. that entire time was hell from start to finish (life as a whole i mean). for most people,having kids can be the greatest thing to ever happen and for me it wasnt and was even the worst thing to ever happen to me (or used to be- now something else comes first and that 2nd on the worst scale) i dont regret my kids but everything that happened with them and the end result. i am 38 now and i havent taken one step when it comes to transition other then clothing and its draining..there isnt much else left for me (also going to be homeless soon but working to survive and save money) i dont have a family anymore,i dont have any friends anymore,i dont have my kids anymore (and havent for many years) currently i cant even get an ID for simple things to try and progress (even with my birth information) i have many sever issues due to almost 10 years of abuse,addictions that were caused because of that,i am on disability because of a mental disability. the ONLY good thing is that i see an endo on the 22nd and pray to God that some good news comes from it and i can at least be allowed T. I know a lot of this seems all doom and gloom and i wont lie,it is and has been most of my life but transition was a last bit of hope that will hold on until there is NO possible way of succeeding and the reason i share this most of the time is because i know its VERY easy to see how things are and be lost in the negativity of how you feel at the time. almost like all the lights being turned off with no dime light at the least. I never finished high school,let alone had a chance to go to college. i cant say how it would feel if the roles were reversed because this is me and you is you but i can say this much: it should give a huge reality of where you could be,apart from where you are now (even with transition) and its in times like this- that some times its good to just be glad for what you do have,even through how it effects you. sometimes i miss my ex mom and dad..wished that he would have accepted me as his son and her as well. but i dont think that would have mattered as i wasnt exactly the fave kid anyway. wasnt much of a loss for them to say the least. all in all,i think you have an awesome life and even if the depression,dysphoria kick in- always remember that you have options that can and will be explored. you have a lot of hope,no matter what road you pick to take first or second. some arent so lucky. i say the mind,soul and heart- should always come first. an education is good but it will never give you peace at night when your alone or needing someone to hear you,understand you,allowing you to be you or anything else that keeps that hope alive in who you are.