One Step Forward, Two Steps Back, and a Giant Leap

[Guest RalisTogari]

So my happiness with my successful top surgery two weeks ago has been slightly dampened with the death of my grandfather. He suffered a massive stroke some time Saturday afternoon and we took him off life support Sunday evening. I was in the room with my mother, 2 of my aunts, my grandmother, and one of my cousins when my grandfather was taken off the machine and let me tell if you are worried about T removing your ability to cry don't be because I could not stop bawling for a good ten minutes.

Now although I still get a little misty eyed when I think about him (it's only been 2 days after all) I've made my peace with his passing and am focusing on the funeral preparations (which for me mostly means being my mother's personal driver while she works with her sisters and mother to arrange everything).

Here comes the problem: My family has been making slow progress in switching from calling me 'she' to 'he', but even though I internally cringe whenever they misgender me, especially in public (I just want to go hide in a corner when they do that because I pass 100% so now me and that random stranger they introduced me to feels awkward), I try not to let it bother me too much since they have been extremely accepting of me being transgender. In the obituary my name is written as Kaeden-the name I plan to legally take, I'm listed as Mazie's son instead of her daughter, and without me even asking her to my mother insisted they let her take a recent picture of me or give her time to find a gender neutral one to use when they were compiling pictures of all the grandchildren.

It was decided that there would be Pallbearers to actually carry the casket and that the older grandsons would be Honorary Pallbearers. My mother asked if I wanted to be a Honorary pallbearer and I immediately said yes. Even if I wasn't trans I would have been honored to have that position. Today my aunt tried to drop me from the Honorary pallbearers because she overbooked the pallbearers position and by dumping me she could make room for the other guys by giving one of them my spot. Bare in mind that the guys she's trying to make room for haven't even been asked yet if they want to be pallbearers. Her reasons for dumping me instead maybe my 13 year old cousin are: (1) I'll have to wear a suit (and what did she think I was going to show up naked or in a dress?), (2) she doesn't think I'll be able to handle it because of the way I broke down at the hospital (I was watching my grandfather die before my eyes so yes I cried, along with everyone else in the room, I'm not an emotionless Golem), (3) Well it was decided that the grandsons would be the Honorary Pallbearers......Excuse Me? I honestly don't know if I was more offended or hurt when I heard that, both emotions were kind of warring within me for dominance. Misgendering me is annoying, but I can endure that. I don't spend that much time around my family anyway, but to say I'm not his grandson, to be that callous, to disrespect me that way and think it's okay.....

I tried to play it cool and act like that decision didn't bother me because it's my grandfather's funeral and I don't want it to become something to fight over, but my mom knew I was upset. She told me she was tired of our family treating us like an afterthought and had my aunt put my name back on the Honorary Pallbearers. She said my grandfather accepted my transgender status, saw me as his grandson and that I deserved to walk with the rest of my cousins.

Even though the issue has been resolved I realized I'm still carrying around some anger from it and I need to vent that so I don't go to the funeral still feeling the pain from this slight (and since I've Friend'd my cousins I can't really do this on Facebook).

So thank you for giving me a place to get this off my chest and for taking the time to listen.

[Guest KayC1]

RT.........First, let me say I am sorry for your loss. Strokes usually make for such a sudden and shocking loss of those we love. Your description of what transpired at the hospital tells me he must have been a wonderful and beloved man. To pass, being surrounded by so much love, is a true testament of this.

Now, it sounds like your family has made great strides in recognizing your transition, although maybe your aunt might not be totally on board yet. Unfortunately stressful situations often bring out less than the best in family members. My hope is you get through the funeral emotionally unscathed by any callous family members and are able to concentrate on supporting your mom through this loss. Take the time to do your own grieving and don't ever feel bad about giving your face a little salt water scrub. Glad you feel safe to vent here. In deepest sympathy, KC

[Ravin]

I wouldn't think to hide your feelings on the subject from your cousins. It's your aunt who's being unkind. You're more likely to find allies among the younger generations.

It sounds really frustrating, though. ((Hugs)) Kudos to your mom for standing up for you!

[Guest]

Sorry about your loss. It's so hard at first.

Don't shove your feelings away to be polite. Present them honestly and maturely. Don't let relatives like your aunt treat you however they please. You deserve such an awesome privilege, you obviously loved your grandfather very much.