Stuck in thought

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

Where to begin.

I recently got a girlfriend, and before we decided to enter the relationship, I told her about Katelyn, about myself. She still went on and seemed supportive at first, she offered to do makeup and teach me to work my hair and even help me with shopping, stating that she doesn’t want me to hide aspects of myself from her. Now however we have come to an agreement that I will keep Katelyn and her separate, only dressing and shopping when she isn’t around. This came about after I bought myself some ladies tops and denim shorts which she helped choose, but then when I tried them on at home in front of her she became seriously down and upset. I am not bothered by having to keep their time separate but I somehow still feel saddened by how disgusted and freaked out she was by it. We are going to talk about it when I see her in person again though, as she would like to try and understand it better, but honestly, I don’t even understand it.

My father and step mother know about it as well, I told them reasonably early on and they both seemed okay with it. My dad bought himself a very cheap dress for a function he is going to attend and it requires of him to wear a dress for the theme, and I tagged along. Afterwards as a joke in good spirits he modelled it for my step mom, and while she laughed about it, when he didn’t take it off immediately she got upset and you could feel the uncomfortable disgust oozing from her. She even made a joke that, if something were to happen then and he needed a hospital, she would drop him off and call him her screwed up friend. I couldn’t help but wonder how legitimate their support is. Later while eating at a pizza place they had a discussion and I realised that they all believe all lesbians are butch. This doesn’t affect me directly sure but the ignorance and just accepting you are right while flaunting this wrongful information annoyed me. I showed my dad a picture of a very buff guy sporting his ex-wife’s wedding dress and he made the remark that “that is seriously gay”, and again while it wasn’t pointed at me, it seems he also cannot distinguish between expression of gender (or a joke as in this case) and sexual preference.

I have been dressing less lately and thought I was mostly off the idea of wanting to be a woman, or rather I thought I made peace that I wouldn’t want to transition. While I am still very unsure, because I cannot really see how it will make a difference and yet I feel it will, when I entered this relationship I became aware that this sort of makes that desire harder to achieve or validate. I realised it is still there. I keep thinking “IF I were to transition” as in it is just an option and that may be simply because I am indecisive but I hold onto that thought that maybe. Partially I want to accept I am a guy who just dresses rather than try to be a girl because I have biology on my side if I were to accept it. I could much easier build muscle and grow hair and look like I am expected to as a guy than I could become pretty and be happy with myself. I just don’t feel driven or happy to be a guy and all that just saddens me, I don’t know why though, could there be a difference if I were a woman living the life I do? Wearing other things can’t make one that much happier right?

Lastly I keep feeling like I am pushing people away thanks to this. I see rifts between me and the people I love and care for because of just my dressing. Friends becoming distant, my girl feels shame, my step mother communicates less often and my mother invalidates it by saying “it will all blow over, don’t you worry, but it is fine for now”. I have almost started believing that this is just a weird phase that sticks around because I keep it around. Yet I don’t want to let it go. I go long times without it, or so it seems, until I recount how often I am looking at other women and their clothing and shoes, how often I browse online stores and how often I check my budget to see if I can finally afford some shoes.

I guess I am not really looking for help or something, just a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. Emotions are kinda running rampant because of this all so I needed an outlet.

Love

Lyn.