how comfortable are you with you?

[Guest marsha leanne]

moderators, if this is a duplicate of another thread, feel free to move it, not yet that well versed on everything this site offers. respectfully.,,,

I have a question for my cd sisters. How long was it before you became comfortable with yourself as a cd? I'm not meaning presentation as that seems to be a forever struggle. I mean that part of you that said, i dress and i am ok with that.

It took me many years to finally realize that this was a huge part of me and that i needed to own it and accept it. For too long, the shame and guilt of it all ruled my world. I still to this day, stay in the closet, but i can at least say to my self, 'i choose to do this and im ok with it',and I can accept this part of me. When i did that, the guilt washed away and a freedom i had not known appeared.

for me it was a gradual growth. Was it the same for you, or did you have an 'ahaa' moment?

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

For me, it would have been when I told my wife and she accepted it. At the same time, I got online and learned that there were a great many more people who had the same feelings.

I had kept it hidden for nearly fifty years prior to that.

[Guest ashleynikole]

I dressed on and off for the last 25 years and was never comfortable with it until within the last say 5-7 years. I think it was a gradual growth as it didn't just come on and make me happy. Eventually I stopped caring if I felt guilty, but what never went away was that it wasn't enough. When I came out to myself and my ex-wife and had the chance to dress whenever I wanted (when the kids weren't around) then dressing stopped being so important as well. However, when I did get dressed and then had to get undressed (kids come home from school or had errands to run) then I would get really depressed and my dysphoria would come back. That, coupled with the fact that I just didn't feel comfortable with my body, was what kicked me over into the TS segment of the TG community. Now, after 6 months with HRT and working towards a full time social and life role, my dysphoria is all but gone.

So all that to say, mine was gradual like yours.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest Kati]

It's good to read that there are individuals who have left behind all their doubts and guilt about cross dressing. I have stopped purging or at least haven't purged for a couple years, but I still haven't reached the doubt-free, guilt-free plateau. At the moment that seems a distant shore.

[Guest Roberta-Belinda]

It has been a gradual process for me. My guilt started to ease a little bit when I got towards the age of 40 in 2000. However I didn't really get out of the woods until a few years ago. Prior to that I would go on periodic sprees buy quite a few outfits and loads of pantyhose (sorry girls I have a real passion for them) have a great time trying them on in the mirror and then the guilt would set in. Within a few days I would purge the whole lot. It doesn't happen anymore. Due to a change of personal cicrumstances I have more time to dress as Belinda than ever. When I am dressed I really feel like a Woman even though I don't always look like one. Nowadays when I put all my clothes and pantyhose back in the closet and drawers I feel no guilt at all. Disappointment perhaps because the dressing session as ended but I am secure in the knowledge that I can be the girl I have always wanted to be again in a few days.

[VickySGV]

I was never really comfortable as CD since for me something was missing even when I looked great and had no social problems. I may not even really be qualified to answer here since I am full time and some other things as well. Since I began recovery from alcohol abuse 6 years ago though, and got to meet a "me" I had denied could ever exist before, I am a real person and a real "self" who lives her life every day without a real thought to which gender I am now or what I wear.

[Guest AshleighP]

The process has been gradual, starting in my teens. As others have said, I have gone back and forth trying to figure out who or what I was. I have to say at this time I am fairly comfortable with dressing and knowing that I have a part (getting larger all the time ) that is most definitely female. I stopped purging many years ago and have amassed a rather nice selection of various styles of clothes. I have even gotten to the point where I have seasonal things (love sweaters and tights this time of year).

I don't ever recall that one "aha" moment when it all clicked. I just keep feeling more and more comfortable with who I really am and also more comfortable sharing that with more and more people. I don't hide my clothes from my wife anymore, they take up half my closet. My closet is a good snapshot of who I am I believe. Sometimes dressed male, sometimes female, always the same inside. The two seem to blending together more and more, which makes me happy.

Some may attribute this attitude to getting older and not really caring what other people think anymore. Could be some truth to that. Just my two cents worth.

[Guest Amber L.]

I've been dressIng in women's clothing for most of my life and have purged many times throughout the years. To say I was confused and couldn't understand what was wrong is an understatement. I know I was never comfortable with my dressing until one day (Almost two years ago) I got on the net and found Laura's. I consider everyone here as a savior. The knowledge and caring everyone has given to me has helped me understand and accept who I am and the confidence I have gained in knowing that NO there is nothing wrong with me it's just who I am has made completely comfortable with my cross dressing and my feminine feelings. Amber L.

[Guest KatyDesire]

After 55+ years, still confused. Its good to hear mostly people get through this stage. Maybe by the time I turn 95 I'll have my head sorted out? Intellectually I understand it all. On a deeper level, though, I have difficulty accepting it. Giving my GT lots of grey hairs, I think.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Marsha

I'm a bit of an oddity because I became a cross-dresser aged 53, three years ago. I cross-dressed as a teenager but never understood anything about it and it faded away with college and marriage. But a 'silly' desire to wear tights to keep warm in winter three years ago opened the floodgates, and actually restored the real me. I found it hard to accept for a year, but then one day just chose to be myself and go with it. I have amassed loads of clothes, boots and shoes, and am truly happy. My wife knows but so long as I keep it to myself she's OK with it. So, the acceptance was very quick for me. But the Internet and places like Laura's make it much easier to know one is not alone, and to contact like-minded folks.

But the biggest boost from accepting who I am is truly understanding why I have been utterly unhappy most of my life. Now I understand why I became badly depressed after our children were born (I could not be a mother to them - weird but true...) and I also understand now why I can't fit and socialise with men, but form great friendships with women (yet am unable to flirt with or 'chase' them). When I met my wife-to-be she had to push me into more than a friendship. I'm the man in the office who gathers with the women to meet a new baby, adores holding the little one and cooing over the baby like the others. I am remarkably feminine in nature while still outwardly a male. And as for clothes, colours, boots, shoes, jewellery, fabrics - I'm in happy land!

I'm just wired differently. And I understand that now, and it means so much to me. I'm not trans enough to want to change sex, but I'm not that masculine. My first hint that all was not quite what it seemed was when I took a BBC test five years ago on "what gender is your brain" and came out 75% female. I've taken that test 12 times and each time get the same score, and it matches 4 other tests I have done and repeated. So I know my in-built gender is DNA is a bit wonky. Accepting that fact has made my whole life so much easier.

So yep, I am very comfortable where I am even after such a short time. As I get (even) more older I have the advantage of the age-related ability to say "so the hell what"!

Eve

[Guest Wanda Michelle]

It took me a lot of years and support from all the girls at Laura's to truly feel comfortable. I did the guilt/purge thing so many times. Knowing there are other girls like me made a huge difference! I'm sitting here all dressed now and the only thing that bothers me is I have to undress at some point. Thanks to all of you for making me feel better about myself!

Hugs,

Wanda

[Guest actuarylilium]

Short answer: not very

Long answer: It wasn't until I mentioned to my counsellor that I had long had fantasies of being a girl that I even thought about cross-dressing. I mentioned this because I was desperate: I had suffered from on and off depression since 2nd year of Uni. It occured to me that if I didn't deal with my continued unease at self-gratifying now, then I never would. Anyway, my counsellor suggested cross-dressing as a way to deal with my feelings. And he was right: it made feel so happy. I had first tried it out by wearing my Mum's underwear. I did this a couple of times, but knew I would want to buy my own. So I did, in the most nerve-wrecking esperience of my life. Anyway, i tried them on and immedaitely self-gratified. This made me upset. I was still thinking about it a week later when I decided to give it another try. In my bed that night, I knew in my heart I was a cross-dresser. Rarely before had I felt so happy and free

So it went well, but that then my Mum found out because I was sloppy. She made it quite clear that she didn't approve and do never do it again I had to purge my underwear, too. Since then, I've found it difficult. I've got over my Mum, but I'm now feeling guilt for different reasons. I'm scared, really scared. Scared that if I cross-dress as much as I want to, I will be unable to stop myself self-gratifying and using Porn. That I will lose control of my life and be all consumed by my sexuality. I've had such a bad relationship with Porn and self-gratification. It never made me feel guilty until one day I woke up and wondered what the hell I had been doing. This lead to my depression and struggles at Uni. Touchwood, I will continue to avoid self-gratification and Porn for the rest of my life!!!

I don't think self-gratification is a bad thing. But it comes down to this: no matter when I do it, where I do it, what mindset I do it in, what clothes I'm wearing. It always, always makes me feel miserable. Like I should have been stronger, should have known better. And this miserable continues on for a couple of days afterwards. It's like I can't think of anything else but my stupid mistake. It doesn't help that I can't see how you can continue it whilst avoiding Porn - for me, the two are almost one and the same. I think self-gratifying is a basic human need. But I can't do it, because of the way my mind works. I'm really feeling the withdrawal symptoms right now - touchwood I can continue to be strong and not give in to the urges.

I'm also on the process of reducing my anti-depressive medication. So I expect some uneasiness. But this is a bit much. Touchwood, I can cross-dress without shame. Touchwood, I can avoid Porn and self-gratification for the rest of my life. And touchwood, I can be comfortable being me!

Best wishes to everyone

Lots of love and hugs, Lily xxx

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hey Lily, don't beat yourself up so much. I have to confess I have gone through much of what you are experiencing, (and I suspect we are not alone in this). But after the age of 25 or so, it kind of fades away and other things take over. I think it's just typical raging hormones! So just ease back and accept that's the way things are now and don't get so worried about it. I'm 55 and I remember those days with a bit of embarrassment because now I have little interest in porn. I also cross-dress for the way I feel and am, not for 'relief' but in very early days it was for the same reasons as you. I think that is another thing that changes with time and age. So I suggest you relax, don't criticise yourself so much and simply enjoy where you are.

You'll be fine.

Hugs

Eve

[Guest April Kristie]

Sure, there was a time when all the pieces fell together. After an addiction to Dr. Prescribed pain meds for 12 yrs. for chronic back pain, I got off those meds, and my head wrapped around who I am and who I m not. I was sixty, I saw a clarity, a vision that I was getting older and it was now or never! Full speed ahead damn the torpedoes!! I saw that light at the end of the tunnel, my end! I no longer CD, but live in my own gender fluid lifestyle, I have been on mones 14 months, off narcotics 19 months, and very happy about my choices. I am about to purge for the last time. I just moved from the NE, to southern Florida and all my woollies, and sweaters are pretty much a thing of the past. A good purge I think. I hope this answer gives you a different turn on my life.

[Guest baily]

I had trouble w/it being comfortable at 1st w/it. Even though I had support. But, like most after I was able to research the internet about my love of dressing like a woman and feeling the femininity that came with it, I started to feel ok and not have to feel at times after I dressed I needed to do something manly to compensate for my cross dressing.

[Guest actuarylilium]

Hi Eve,

Thank you I know I'm not alone in what goes on in my head. But it quite often feels like I am. I never seem to realise that what you see in the outside of people is not always in the inside. How do I know that they are not going through the same things as me?

I just want to be happy with myself. I don't think sexuality is a dirty word, that self-gratification is a bad thing. The last few days, I've realised that I've been repressing myself inwardly, whilst saying I'm not outwardly. I've been so scared of self-gratification. When I've done it the last few days, I've been so much more productive. I'm finally about to finish a volunteering application, having spent weeks dirthering over it. I was stressing over self-gratifying, and I feel so much better with the pressure released.

I still feel uneasy about this. My instinct tells me something's not right... Having spent 4 years repressing all sexual thoughts, it's going to be strange and uncomfortable at first. Everything feels new and weird.!Self-gratification isn't a bad thing. Sexuality and sexual thoughts isn't a bad thing. We're human, sexual beings. I just have to keep remembering that. If I do, I'll find my equilibrium, my balance. Moderation is they key: finding my comfort zone. I can do it

Thanks again Eve!

Lily xxx

[tracy_j]

I feel a little unusual when I say I have never really been uncomfortable or ashamed in myself when wearing female clothing as such. It is getting the balance with society and the circle of people I know which worries me. Maybe hurting people I know! I always thought that everyone has things they are worried about sharing so I did not feel that I was any different - maybe just wanting to be more open. I could not believe that I could be so different than everyone else (maybe not quite the right terminology but most have 'skeletons in the closet')

That said it has been gradual growth recently to my current state of 'mix and match', at times getting very feminine even in nominally male mode. I have recently had 'ahaa' moments though as I have realised suddenly how far I have progressed, and at times just how feminine my clothing has got when out at times without me getting freaked out over it (and generally without others being bothered either).

After having said all that there are moments though when I look at myself and wonder - 'What on earth am I doing?'. 'Am I normal?'. I think a little off topic as I think these thoughts relate more to Dysphoria coming and going, rather than specifically dressing, but it does make things confusing at times!

Tracy

[Guest Kati]

Tracy, I can identify with so much of what you have written above. I have had so many WOEAID moments (What on earth I am doing?). The whole notion of cross dressing can on occasion be incomprehensible even to someone who does it, much less to the bloke on the street who can't make sense of it at all. I suppose most of the time these thoughts only lurk in the background as I dress, but from a mere whisper to a loud roar they do make their presence known in my mind. Don't get me wrong, cross dressing can be fun, it can be comforting, it can be fulfilling, and even downright exciting. But there is dark side to it. Well at least it can have a dark side for me.

[Guest SophieT]

Hi Marsha, for me I think it was a little of both gradual self acceptance, and in the past year the ahaa moment. I've struggled with my gender for nearly 15 years now, and due to a busy work life never forced myself until recently to seek help. When I did recently, I finally settled into the ahaa moment and have come to terms that should I ever be fortunate enough to find a loving companion, he / she or they will simply have to be accepting of who I am for a lasting relationship. When I was younger I always masked my real self, even to those closest to me. Although I still live with that mask, I know one day when the time is right that will change.

I'm glad you are past the shame and guild feelings as they are so draining and awful.

[Guest KatyDesire]

Tracy and Kati, I am completely with you there. However, long ago I realised that I had lost a few marbles, and so try to tell myself that until, in the most unlikely event that I ever find them again, I am just going to enjoy the moments I get. And if anyone finds a bag of lost marbles, please don't send them - I'm OK as I am!

Lily, my philosophy is simple - if its pleasurable, and I'm not hurting anyone, I refuse to feel bad about it. Ice cream may not always be good for you, but I am not about to give it up either.

Unfortunately, society and religions have drummed into us that certain things are "bad", and it is very hard indeed to get over intensive indoctrination from an early age. But it can be done. I'm not saying that one can't be religious, but none of them are right all the time, which is why they all eventually adapt to the times. They just tend to lag a bit behind reality.

Sometimes one can get a kind of perverse pleasure from just thumbing your nose at convention. Then it becomes fun. Somehow, one has to get into the mind-set that what you are doing is OK - what society is repressing is where the unhealthy bit is. But that is actually their problem. Although we have some difficulty always fitting in, try not to make it your problem. Its their problem - let them handle it!

Hugs.

Katy

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Its their problem - let them handle it!

Wise words, Katy!

[Guest Roni Jones]

I hid my it from my wife for nearly 28 years and then with her blessings I started wearing brassieres and panties daily and she'd even polish my nails but I never felt comfortable with myself until we had 'the talk'. When I told her, "I wear women's clothes as an expression of my femininity" we talked for hours and she understood and accepted it felt like the tons of guilt I'd been carrying disappeared.

I agree with Kati the concept of cross-dressing can be incomprehensible to even us much less to the typical person so I feel truly blessed to have a wife who accepts, encourages and is always ready to talk about it.

Roni

[Guest Stevie]

My heart rejoices in the courage of all you wonderful people but then it also breaks knowing your struggles and pain.

Thank goodness we have a place we can come to for support, advice and encouragement.

One of our precious members mentioned their struggle with self-gratification. I would like to share the wise words of a dear friend.

Self-gratification is making love to the person you love the most.

Big hugs to all of you!!!

Stevie

[Guest Elyssia]

Im not very comfortable at all, i struggle constantly with depression and anxiety. I am trying to cope with it and having counselling but not really having much success in feeling better

[Guest Ellyssa]

Elyssia:

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and I hope you are able to resolve them. If counseling isn't helping, maybe a new counselor is in order. Sometimes their approaches can vary greatly and a new perspective could be helpful. Me and all the other girls (I'm volunteering them and I'm a newbie but I don't think I'm stepping out of bounds) would be willing to talk. They have been very open and accepting and are aware of your difficulties and probably have some great tips on how to handle things. Use those who are willing to help - you're not alone. Fix what you can, deal with the rest, don't try to take on all the problems at once. You are beautiful inside, let a little of that beauty show and see how you enlighten the world.

Cute name, by the way.