Hi There

[Guest Lisa F]

I guess I'll start with ... this is hard but here we go...it's my second time sharing this with anyone and I'm not generally a "poster" on any internet sites. I'll preface my introduction with "yes I'm seeing a therapist". I'm married with a son and wife of 23 years, recently retired form the service and have a good low stress job, finally. I've always known, wanted and ached to be a girl but have lived the life of a man and been a man in every way. Recently I've become more and more aware that this is a facade. I've given in to the thought that I am a girl, truly and it feels right. My entire life I've had dreams and thoughts about being a woman, I've often thought and wished that I would somehow just wake up a woman one day then it wouldn't be my fault, or that I would get some weird virus that changed me....into a girl. I had long hair as a young man and loved it but as service life dictates had to keep it very short. Now I have to go for hair transplants to restore my h

airline, boohoo but i'm setting up a consultation this week- step one. I've shared with my wife that I've been having an identity crisis but have not been completely honest. More that I was a certain person before I joined the service and, in order to survive in that world, had to become someone else. Trust me when I tell you that liking pretty colors and soft things and being sensitive are not acceptable in that world. But now I'm free of that and with my retirement has also come feeling that I'm not what I was for the last 25 years. A conundrum to be sure.

If I back up some I remember that my first inkling that I was a girl was when I was little, I remember having this dream, more than once that my mom had taken me to a doctor, it was at night and she was carrying me in her arms back to the car after the doctor made me a girl. I was wearing white knee high socks, a red and blue plaid skirt, patent leather buckle down shoes and a navy blue coat. Most of my friends growing up were girls and I wished I was a girl then because girls were so much nicer to be around than rough and tumble and often cruel boys. I was always a little different growing up, an artist, very creative and sensitive. I can't count how many times I went into mom's closet and tried on her underwear and clothes and tucked things back. How many times I put on makeup, how many times I looked in the mirror and saw those eyes looking back that were girls eyes. Heck, in most of my school pictures I look like a girl. But then I became a man right? I kept putting those thoughts away in the vault, figuring that it's just part of me and it will go away or it's impossible anyway.

I remember this dream I had a few years back of looking in the mirror and seeing this woman, knowing it was me!! Oh my god I felt so at ease and at peace and whole when I saw myself as a woman in the mirror. BUT then I awoke and realized that I had dreamed this; I fell into a deep 2 week depression, I rmemeber weeping when I realized that I might never feel that again. It haunts me still. My psych doc at the time ( a navy doc) that I was seeing for depression and anxiety (big surprise) told me that it was a representation of my mom and that it was comfort I was seeking. But you see I know it was me, not her. Anyway transgender and the military don't play well together. So here I am, mid forties, 6'4" tall for a guy let alone a girl, have male pattern baldness...yuk.. and I'm pretty sure that I'm transgendered or dysphoric or something else.

Until I get this sorted out I'm doing small things, I put clear polish on my nails and keep my hands very neat, I've trimmed and tweezed my eyebrows a bit, I've taken to wearing a thong because it feels right to have my gear up and out of the way, I'm going to get my hair redone and grow it out, I really want to be able to wear a pony tail! I make sure that my grooming and appearance are impeccable, I wear colors and nice clothes (hard to find colorful and tasteful men's clothes) and I'm telling my story now.....I don't get turned on to do these things it just makes me feel better. I know that I'm sad every day and cry often because this is sooooo frustrating and confusing. I don't consider my age a limiting factor or my height (it makes me statuesque right?) but the thought of my family and friends.....well you know what I mean.

But hey good to be here

Lisa

[Guest Zabrak]

Welcome to Laura's Playground, Lisa.

[Guest Ashlee]

Hello Lisa,

Your story is so much like many others that are here, including myself.

This is a great place to learn and help you understand what you are going through.

Believe me, your not the first one to do any of this! And if you have questions about something, someone will come along with the answers.

The other girls will be along with the treats cart, help yourself - they are all sooooo good!

{{HUGS}}

Ashlee

[Guest Donna Jean]

YAY! LISA!!

Oh. Hon........

You're finally here! We've been waiting for you!

Here...let me get you some steaming hot chocolate and maybe some cookies? Then we can sit by the fire and talk a bit......OK?

I see that you've met Ashlee and Zabrak...they are great people!

Good.......

Now, so that you don't feel too out of place or any such nonsense.....I'm going to tell you some things......

I am a Viet Nam vet.....married 29 years...presently on hormones....HAPPY!

Lisa, Hon, you are not alone, believe me! We have some girls here 57, 59, 61, older, younger....

So, you see? We really like having you here with us....Your story is so similar to so many in so many ways...we all seem to be variations on a theme.

We have others here 6' 2"...6'4"....heck there is even a thread on tall girls..read it if you have the time!

I think you'll come to call this place home as most of us do....we support each other....laugh, cry, share, learn, grow and have fun!.I think some of the others will be by to say "HI"...so sit tight..

Remember...after 5 posts you can use the Personal Messenger and talk to people privately!

So, Welcome to the Playground, Sweetheart!

XXOO

Donna Jean

[gennee]

Hi Lisa. I welcome you to the site. I discovered that I was transgender in 2005 when I was fifty-six. I have felt different all my life but now feel so content. I'm also a crossdresser. Though I'm not going to transition, I feel a special kinship to those who have or will.

Lisa, I'm sure you'll get it all sorted out in time. You've taken some first steps and that's great. I'm am a veteran, too.

Gennee

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

Welcome Lisa!

we all have similar stories sweetheart

i've heard so many on this site

but every time it tugs at my heart

i am glad you found us

we'll do what we can to help you

and we want to hear from you too

so be sure to post a lot!

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear Lisa,

You and I are in the very same boat. I'm in my *cough* late forties and have been expressing my femininity almost full-time since I was 43. Right now, I refer to my gender as female (to myself) and crossdresser to everyone else. Obviously, I still have alot of work to do here, but enough about me. You are not alone and thank you for being so frank about your feelings. Laura's site is like no ther website. You can truely be free to be who you really are, really!!!

Let me offer you some cocoa, and some danishes. Feel the warmth of the fire and relax.

We are here, and will always be here for you!!

Love,

bernie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Lisa

I KNOW i posted a welcome here - it's gone. The site has been weird all day - yikes!

So WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

and you wrote:

So here I am, mid forties, 6'4" tall for a guy let alone a girl,.. and I'm pretty sure that I'm transgendered or dysphoric or something else.

I reply:

So here I am , early sixties, 6'2 tall for a woman... married... three grown children... and I KNOW I am transsexual MTF because I am in transition! Yeaaaa

We all are about the same at Laura's and you are close to several of us in age, and in height. You are gonna be just fine!

WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

Lizzy

[Guest mia 1]

What a relief it must be to be out of the military and now you can ask and can tell. What a burden that must be for nearly a quarter of a century.......Tell all now your tome has come to stop crying yourself to sleep and start looking at that beautiful women, that statuesque beautiful women who you saw in themirror..she is waiting for you and so are we..feel free to reveal your thoughts and dreams to us ...we share them with you daily.....here let me stand on my tippy toes and give you a peck on the cheek.....(5'7" when the wind blows from the north)...joke joke.... Well welcome and if you need a shopping partner...just call..I prefer Wal Mart and Good WIll...if you like upscale I'll give you the name of my high style beautiful long legged sister.......Mwaaaaaa......Mia.

[Guest Lisa F]

OH MY GOD!!!

I thought I was soooo very alone.....This is a lonely place to be. I'm not ready to share this anyone in my analog life. But here, in this place. I see that I may not be alone. Yet still it is lonely in real life; I guess until I get the courage to come out to those that love me. In a sense I'm very relieved to have finally been freed but in another sense I feel more distant and far from people in my life than ever before.

But here, in this forum, this wonderful place where I am accepted without hesitation I can be me....Lisa

Thank you so much, everyone I am truly touched

Love Lisa

[Guest Selkia]

Welcome to Laura's PlayGround Lisa, I'm New here too

About you having dreams of you as a woman, I have those all the time. everytime I close my eyes and hopefully soon I won't have to close my eyes anymore to see the real me. They say Dreams show you the future and also that they are the key to your soul.

also 6'4" is a Great height Alot of Models are tall..I'm Pretty tall myself

Hope you Enjoy your stay here

- Sel

[Paula ult]

Hi Lisa,

Welcome, I had dreams too and there were nights i would lay in bed and say "i wish i was a girl" three times it would happen but it never did and i never forgot. Most of the other woman i talk to have similar stories, you are never alone here, if you have questions someone has the answer or will point you in the right direction. So glad you decided to join us.

Paula.

[Sally]

Hi Lisa,

Sorry I've been away but I see that Donna Jean got you some cocoa and cookies, I'm the 57 year old 6'4" lady that started the topic for us statuesque beauties.

Feel free to as questions make comments, you are at home now, part of the huge family here at the friednliest place on Earth.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Jackson]

Welcome, Lisa.

You are not alone. As you can see, you've met the Official Welcoming Committee. If you need anything, just ask.

[Guest Lisa F]

Everyone is so very friendly!!

Kudos everyone !!

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Lisa - yeaaaaaa - you came back!

We want you to join in. Post something in TOPICS!

Lizzy