Rather nervous about posting, as silly as that sounds

[Guest Rei]

i guess i'll start by introducing myself as rei (a shortened form of my usual online name). nice to meet you all!

so, silly fact: up until very recently, i always thought that there were only 2 genders and that was it. i'd heard of the third gender before, but i thought it was just another internet joke. i'm not sure exactly, but i think it was around this time that i started wondering = what am i then? all my life, i'd considered myself a girl, because i looked and sounded like a girl and i had the parts, but is that really who i am as an individual? when i asked myself this question, i didn't know the answer. i decided to do some research and discovered a WHOLE lot of terms i'd never heard of before, so of course, i got confused by all these new words and definitions.

i started evaluating my past to see if there was anything that stood out to me. nothing really did, other than liking both girls' and boy's toys when i was young (but a lot of children did too, right?) and at several different times in my life, even as recent as just a few weeks ago, i would randomly ask people around me what they would do if they woke up one morning as the opposite sex and i don't know why i did nor why i asked it so many times. i'm fairly certain i want to remain as i am physically, although sometimes i do wish i could just change my sex temporarily - the reason being that i'm bi-curious and especially love yaoi/slash and i sometimes feel like there is a small part of me that's a gay man?

i spend a significant amount of time online, and since i'm extremely shy and introverted in person, i've sort of developed an online persona that i consider my true self where i can speak my mind and i feel like i can really be myself and when i thought about it, i couldn't place a gender on it. this led me to then wonder: what is it exactly that defines male and female? what difference does it make? to me, it all boils down to gender stereotypes and i always did hate stereotypes. i don't mind which pronouns people use for me, as long as they don't use "it" haha. i'm a gamer too (tying in with my hermit habits) and although i started out playing just female characters (mostly cos i thought it was better eye candy), i now play both genders, and i like it. i find that i can relate to both the female and male characters equally well.

i have a bad tendency to think erratically and sidetrack a lot, so let me wrap this up as fast as i can! basically, i *think* i feel mostly female (i guess?) but i don't know whether i switch genders without really thinking about it or i'm just both or neither at the same time. i'm still trying to work this out. i know that no matter what, though, i'm still me and my personality isn't going to change.

one last thing: i'm married and i doubt this would happen, but a friend put this into my head so now there's a little voice in my head that says, what if? a small part of me worries that even though i'm still the same person and my love for him would never, ever change, if my husband disagrees with how i identify myself, he would consider leaving me.

i'm sorry if my post is a little confusing or if any of it doesn't make sense!

[MaryEllen]

Hello Rei,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. Feel free to ask questions. We'll try to provide answers.

MaryEllen

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Rei. I've taken the liberty of moving your thread to the Introductions Forum, so more folks can meet you.

Believe me, you are not alone in being confused, conflicted and in doubt. Many folks here feel the same. You'll meet some of them if you post in the Androgyne Forum, the "What Am I/I'm Not Sure" forum, or any of the others. In time, you may figure things out on your own, or with help from others online, or if you choose to see a gender therapist. We won't push you in any direction, as that isn't our role.

Please feel free to post any comments or questions, and we'll do our best to answer. I do ask our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as the rules help us keep the site safe. A link is located at the lower right of each page.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Melissa~]

One certainly can be nervous. Coming out is measurably damaging, being outed is much worse. And it has happened to members here. So certainly keep your guard up and anonymous if that's your situation. I use my partial real name and pics, I'm past all that, it can be done.

[Guest]

Welcome to LP Rei.

Thank you for your introduction.

It is understandable that you may be nervous. I think most of us were in the beginning, as we began our Journeys.

No need to be around here though, as all identities are accepted here.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest ashleynikole]

Welcome to Laura's Rei.

No matter who you are, you are welcome.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest Rei]

thank you for all the warm welcomes!

[Guest Alaster to Alice]

Hello Rei o/

Welcome to LA! We are all a big family here and we are all here to make you feel comfortable in your skin and make you feel at home. There is plenty of information to study and plenty of people to ask questions

Have a good day sweety,

~Alice

[Guest Opal]

Hi Rei and welcome to Laura's! I was quite nervous to post back when I joined. It is a big step. Welcome aboard!

Huggs,

Opal

[gennee]

Hello Rei and welcome to Laura's.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's dear. For many of us our loved ones are the hardest issue. Read and post here it can help to know you are not alone in having gender issues and the consequences of dealing with them.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Rei]

thank you i have body and self-image issues, but it's mostly related to my weight haha. i think i'm fairly confident when it comes to who i am as a person - i'm just still figuring out the details for myself.

at this point, however, i don't know if i will come out to my family for several reasons: i love them, but we were never the sort of family to confide in each other and as much as i regret it, i don't feel comfortable doing so. as for my parents, there's almost a language barrier? i'm chinese, but while i can communicate with my parents, i'm far more fluent in english whereas they don't speak it at all, so not only would they have a hard time understanding the whole gender identity issue and my sexuality, it would be extremely hard for me to convey and explain it properly to them in chinese. for now at least, it's simpler to just not say anything to them, which i'm ok with.

[KathrynJulia]

Hi Rei:

I arrived on Laura's in early 2012 and this site has become my second home. Being able to communicate with other members has helped me to become the person I weas always meant to be. This site helps people and its a good place for you to discover your true self. So Rei, welcome to the Playground. Kathy

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Rei,
<<< hug >>>
Welcome to Laura's Playground.
Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.
The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.
Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.
One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.
We all look forward to seeing you.
vanna