Depressed as well as Confused

[Guest confused1959]

I have been going through depression for the last 50 years as well as being Confused the last 45. I've been called a

sissy and a Sweetie and my younger brother also joined in the name calling as well , who ever said words didn't hurt must never have

been a confused child going through depression since I was 5 feeling like I was a little girl . then when I was older around 11 I met

an older boy who kissed me and said I was very pretty but I always felt guilty because my family always said boys didn't go with

other boys but I didn't kiss him as a boy liking a boy but something I couldn't describe what I was feeling . Then Halloween of my

my 13th year my sisters dressed me up in panties,bra stockings and my youngest sisters prettiest dress then they did my makeup.

I've never had anyone I can talk to and to add to the depression and confusion I also have guilt and stress, I've been married twice

and was never happy with either but I do have my son I love but like the rest of my family I can't tell them how I'm feeling, I'm afraid

they'll hate and disown me I've even thought it'd be better for all if I was to just go to sleep and not wake up.

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Confused1959,

That's when I was born. And have had the same issues. You are not alone.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's dear. As Gina said you are not alone. I found sharing here and reading about the lives of others helped to find a path towards self acceptance. Oddly with time the guilt and shame that i lived with all my life disappeared. It was a long journey but well worth the effort. Don't give up.

You also might find it helpful to register for chat. The folks there are used to helping those of us who get severely depressed. it can also be fun to simply "talk" to others in real time. Many areas have support groups.

I hope to get to know you better. Laura's has been a magical place for me. Hopefully you may find the same.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest ashleynikole]

Hey Hunny! Welcome to Laura's.

I know what you mean about the guilt and shame. Lived under it for 30 years before I decided (well my body decided) I couldn't do it anymore. I too always wished for the ability to just end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and never have to breathe another breath. Turns out God had another plan and one that I have learned to get on board with and one that has freed me from so much hurt and pain.

I hope you find your freedom to, and until then, we're here if you need us.

God bless

Ashley

[Guest Sarah23510]

Have some similar experiences as a youth....it has been so nice to find out I am not alone! 59 years old and I still aren't sure what I really want or need, just know I need to explore it more for my own sake!

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to Laura's, hon. As you can see, a lot of us here have gone through what you have, and felt what you feel. Please put aside the shame and guilt. You didn't ask to be transgender, none of us did. As Lady Gaga said, you were "born this way."

You have a son who loves you, and who you love. Taking your life will not make him, or anyone else, feel better, or feel happier. It would stay with him forever, and haunt him, and he would probably feel terrible guilt over it. Many of us had lived long lives and had families before we transitioned; I was 55 and my son was 17 when I told him, and my wife. They are still with me, and we are closer than ever. I can't predict how things will turn out for you, if you choose to go that route. But it is not inevitable that you will lose everything, or anything.

Please stick with us for a while, read the forum posts, learn all you can, because that is how you can help yourself survive, and thrive. Ask questions, any questions, and we'll answer them. Please do not despair, hon. You can be happy, but it takes work. We're here to help you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Elyssia]

My life is very similar to what you described, im a little bit younger than you, I've been cross dressing since the age of five. Ive never really got on with many people and always felt isolated and alone. Ive been in an abusive controlling relationship and still am. Ive used drink and drugs to cope with everything in the past just so i didn't have to think about things. The depression is still there, some days i don't know why i keep on living but i do.

I hope that you can find some answers on this site from people who have been through similar situations. Good luck

[StephanieVikingGirl]

I was also born in 1959, and yeah I have a long history too. Both of my long term relationships were with women who bossed me around a lot. I was with the first for 19 years, and the second woman just broke up with me after 13 years. I truly hope that you are still with us. Please, if you can, post again. This is a place of support, and friendship. The medical research proves that we were born this way, do not feel ashamed, it is not your fault. It just is, what it is. Too many of us suffer from depression, including me. Too many of us end our lives, before we actually get a chance to truly live.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest MasterAssassinLT]

I'm confused as well.. I don't know up at I Pam anymore.. I still have a few things about my assigned gender that I like.. just a few... it only started recently.. and I try to tell my family how I feel but I end up yelling in blind rage that I'm sorry and running to my room.. and there are days I just don't want to get up.. I'm tired of forcing the smile and trying to keep everyone happy.. but.. I know it's ok to be this way.. but I don't want to be looked at as a freak.,,

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's dear. I'm sorry you are feeling badly but you have come to a good safe spot where you are not alone.

It often helps to post in the introduction forum so folks will get to know you better. In the meantime take a moment and read the terms and conditions found at the bottom of any page.

Milk and cookies are served at coffee break by the swing set.

Hugs,

Charlize