How to Ask Wife

[Guest robin0417]

I am a closet crossdresser. I do wear panties most of the time and my wife will even buy them for me. However, I do not think she is open to anything else. I do dress in her clothes when she is not around. I have even wore her pajamas to bed next to her. I am now wanting to dress more. I even want my own clothes. How should I ask/talk her about this? Our relationship is more important than the crossdressing.

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Robin

If you look back at my history you will see I began cross-dressing around 3 years ago, right out of the blue at the age of 53 (complex story). Soon after I realised I was a cross-dresser and it was not going away, I confessed fully to my wife. She was...unhappy...but tolerant. She laid down two rules: no going out dressed in public, and do not involve the children. I stuck with those and still do.

Now, she is unwilling to indulge me in any way but I underdress most of the time because it is natural and comfortable for me. She knows this and tolerates it. But I would say to you - do not wear her clothes. In my experience she will feel violated by this. So stay out of this area.

Your wife will also want you to be "her man". Cross-dressing destroys her perception of your masculinity and she will likely feel threatened by this. So you need to be able to step up to the plate and 'be her man'. Keep your cross-dressing to yourself and do not try to draw her into it unless she expresses an interest in it. We joke about it between ourselves, and the humour allows us to cross the barrier and share the discomfort between us.

I buy my clothes from E-Bay. I am discreet, and buy and store and wear when I can. My wife knows and all she says is she does not want to see me dressed because it breaks the marriage contract of me being "her man". Having said that, because I have been open, and abide by her wishes and because I do not try to force anything, she takes the whole thing with good humour. We often joke about my dresses and clothes and we have an easy approach to it.

None of this can guarantee how things happen for you - this is just my personal experience and I hope it helps. But I would recommend two things: 1): stop right now wearing her clothes and never again wear them in the future. She will feel resentful and violated because she will perceive it as a sexual thing regardless of how you argue it, and 2). be totally up front and honest with her from start to finish. She will sense if you hold anything back and lying is worse than giving her the total truth. You may be surprised how supportive she can be but do not 'push your luck'.

After that, be acutely aware of "where she is" with you. Be totally aware of her reactions, words and behaviour so you understand how she feels about you and what you do.

OK, that's my viewpoint. It's only a take on my experience and not a road map or a recommendation. But perhaps what happened to me might help you.

Good luck and let us know how you get on!

Hugs

Eve

[Carolyn Marie]

Robin, since you are already out to your wife (at least to some degree) it does make it easier to ask. I would just be honest with her, let her know this is about compromise and not just about "what I want." Ask her how far you can go and still be within bounds with her, or make a suggestion and see how she responds.

This is going to involve give and take, and the more honest you are about your wishes and desires, the better off you will be, IMHO.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest robin0417]

Thanks Eve and Carolyn Marie. I will update here when I talk to my wife. I need to work up the courage.

[Guest KatyDesire]

Hi Robin,

Eve's experience exactly mirrors my own. If you just change the name at the bottom, it could have been written by me. Great advice. Also good to be able to reassure her that you are not gay, and that you are not going to transition.

Hugs,

Katy

[Guest AshleighP]

All very good advice given here, which is why I love this site so much. You can almost always be assured that you will receive good counsel. I also believe that Eve's experience is pretty much identical to mine. I can also say, from experience, that hiding things is a bad idea. Better that she know what your desires are and what you have for clothes, than to have her accidentally come across some of your things. I have been dressing for decades and have only recently felt comfortable enough to not put things somewhere where they won't easily be discovered. That being said, I do sometimes come home from work and find that my closet or drawers have been "looked through". Fortunately, there is nothing there that I wouldn't want her to find. It is a good feeling to know that no matter where she looks, she won't find anything she doesn't already know about. It is also a bit of a relief to know that when I dress, I don't need to panic that I put everything away. If I inadvertently leave something out, or forget to clean makeup off the bathroom sink, nothing will be said.

Totally agree with the advice of not wearing her clothes. As long as there is any strain between the 2 of you regarding your dressing, that will only make it worse. Besides having your own wardrobe allows you to define your own look, which may differ from hers.

Lastly, my best advice is (and this is borrowed from people here) "Baby Steps". You may only get to the point where my wife and I are of tolerance, or with time to wrap her head around the idea of you cross dressing, she may embrace the idea.

Good luck and keep us posted on progress!

[Guest sandra6sandy9sand]

This is my first reply to anyone regarding cross dressing. I am 70 years old, married 34 plus years and I have been trying to "come out" to my wife for some time. I have my own cloths that I wear all the time; pants, shirts, turtlenecks, shorts etc. that pass as men's. I wear panties 24/7 and for the past 7 months, they have been going in the wash with the rest of my cloths.

Every once in a while I have worn a pair of lacy panties, put them in the wash and they have been thrown out by my wife. I believe she is telling me that she doesn't like lace, but we have not talked about it. It's very hard to talk about a 65 year old secret.

You sound like you have good communications with your wife. I need to pull up my big girl panties and discuss my dressing with my wife. I'll go with baby steps since I highly value my marriage. Good luck to you.

Sandra

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Oh Sandra I do feel for you.

I wear lacy pants, and even suspenders and stockings or hold-ups, camisoles and, goodness the works. But I am long in the habit of washing my own clothes. My wife is fully aware of my cross-dressing and prefers to be left out of it, but I do find it easier to do my own washing. Perhaps you can start doing that? Our teenage kids are apparently oblivious to the mixture of clothing I hang on the washing line! Work shirts next to lacy knickers and stockings... Perhaps if you get in the habit of doing your own washing she might relax a bit?

Baby steps are most definitely the way forward. When I came out to my wife we agreed a set of ground rules that suited us, and since then she has actually been OK about it.

All the best,

Eve

[Guest MaryGennaeAngelina]

Actually back in the days when having a mate was an issue, she already knew I would be different people at will. I went to haunted attractions in nice dresses and heels and she got a laugh out of it. I would need to go outside and grab her coat and she laughed at how it looked. I went to the club in a ball gown and she sat and got a chuckle out of the other people. She figured the whole thing was amusing, when I grabbed the perfume and said "Really. I don't want to smell man smell, I want to smell something nice. Man stuff smells aweful." I used to share perfume with the kids and they came to me when they ran out of eye liner. I know, seems strange but I do me, my rules, my body, my boss. Of course I never controlled her either. She had her own life, money and I stayed out of it. Of course she saw me on film as a drummer (once in boots, once in high heels) and saw me as a pirate, a robber, and other roles, so me being different people was never odd. I considered my body a hotel occupied by whoever at any time. That's just me though.