Mental Entanglements

[Guest actuarylilium]

Dear all,

Some background: I have long had fantasies and dreams about what I would be like to be a Woman. Throughout School and University, I look at my female classmates and wish that I had their body. That in a single glorious moment, they would take control of me. They would strip away my manhood, and render me completely feminine. That I would be one of the Girls, wear their clothes and do the things they do. At some point, I would meet a man I loved and trusted with all my heart. We would kiss, then he would strip me. He would then place me on our bed, rub my breasts and overpower me sexual. I would be totally his: his Woman, his pet, his lover. I was a Woman, and a total slave to my sexual desires

I would spend hours and hours and hours over these dreams. At some point around the age of 12-13, these harmless dreams became mixed up with Porn and self-gratification. I thought I had gone to heaven. I never regretted either of them for a second. Then I got to my second year of Uni (studying Actuarial Science). The study material was a definite step up from the previous year. I woke up one day and wondered what the hell I had been doing. I swore that day to eliminate both of them from my life. At first, I was absolutely useless - if I got to 3 days I was doing really well. Between the stress of Uni and my guilt at Porn and self-gratifying, I became horribly depressed. Ended up on anti-depressants and repeating the year (where I met true friends - I feel like those I graduated with are all my family

4 years later, after endless cycles of : give in, feel guilty, abstain, withdrawal symptoms and then give in again. Here I am. Finally graduated Uni (after going from a mostly A grade student to barely passing and having to do resits years in a row), and starting to reduce my medication. Touchwood, that these cycles are over. Touchwood, that I will never give into Porn or gratification again. Touchwood, that I can cintinue to leave a happy life. I found cross-dressing after mentioning my feelings to counsellor out of desperation. Wearing female underwear in my bed one night, I knew and accepted in my heart that I was a cross-dresser. My heart was so full of joy and relief, and I was happy

I've long since learned that hiding my feelings won't make them go away, they will just come back even stronger. So I will embrace them and work with them. I know I'm currently having a small low phase because of recently changing my medication. Everything feels so hard, my mind is so slow at the moment. But I'm scared. Really, really scared. Scared that if I continue to advance cross-dressing, I will only fuel the fires of Porn and gratification. That I will end up a slave to my sexual desires, and lose all track of reality. I will be unable to stop myself gratifying and using Porn. That again, I will find myself a depressed wreck of a person. Porn has already ruined my life once, I can't let it happen again.

I'm also scared that cross-dressing is still using the fantasies of a female body to pleasure myself. That I am still abusing Women by dressing. I feel so bad for the Women I have self-gratified over. Some are close friends, and I have betrayed their trust. That I'm a massive sexist who thinks a Woman's place is to satisfy Male desires (I DO NOT believe that... I worry that cross-dressing implies this)

I feel that I really need some help coming to terms with my cross-dressing. I want to wait out this episode of down time, and see what happens. But I need help. All these mental entanglements come from my parents being sexual very conservative. They never talked to us about sex and sexuality, and almost seemed to imply it was something to be ashamed of (I love them both very much... But they are wrong about this)

Have I made any sense? What can I do, has anyone been through this? Am I wonder the woods forever and not be happy?

Best wishes to everyone

Lots of love and hugs, Lily xxx

PS. I don't think self-gratification is a bad thing. But it makes me miserable, no matter when or where I do it, what mindset I'm in, what I wear or whatever. I always feel that I should have been stronger, should have known better than to give in. And it makes me miserable for the next 2-3 days. It never used to feel like this. But since my depressive episode... it's never been the same. I don't want to live in fear. But I'm so scared of what might happen.

[Charlize]

I doubt you will be in the woods forever. I know i felt i'd never see the sun but that time has come for me. Hopefully you will find some peace at an earlier age. Therapy helped me as did Laura's. Don't forget the shame is in your head and doesn't have to live there. We are responsible not only for our actions but also for how we feel about them. I do believe we can find peace within ourselves and that can be a major step forward.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

We all know there is a biologically driven component to these behaviours (T). Suppress the T and the problem goes away, sounds simple enough, however some folks really need to live life as a man and perform sexually as a man. Everyone has to find their own unique balance. I can't tell you what to do there Lily with your life. I can say for me suppressing the male sex drive was magic. I am so much calmer and I transitioned socially into female, I became just one of the girls, gone is that terrible T fueled objectivication like when I was a teenager, wow. This might not be for you, but it worked for me. I live as a woman, and life is so much better. I am enjoying learning the finer things about being a woman, it's the best. I am so grateful to be rid of that terrible cycle of guilt, that was biologically driven largely.

Best of luck to you, and may you find some peace.

Cyndi -

[Guest actuarylilium]

Thank you both

I ended up giving in to Porn and gratificiation tonight, but I'm kind of glad I did. I realised that, even if I wanted self-gratification gone from my life, I can't fight Porn AND self-gratification at the same time. You can't fight a war on two fronts. I will never relent on wanting rid of Porn from my life. But I realize that trying to eliminate gratification is self-defeating. The body needs a release, it's simple biology. I do actually feel better a couple of days after I give in, because all the tension is gone. Keeping it all in just makes me angry and edgy. In any case, I don't think it's a bad thing. It always makes me feel miserable, but thinking now I haven't done it long enough without Porn to differentiate between the two.

Charlize: you make a good point that the shame is just in my head. The only problem with that is the Asperger's in me takes it too far. It thinks that you could use that to justify any and all actions.

I've got this feeling tonight that everything would be much better if I were just Assexual. If I just covered it all up and pretended it didn't exist. But I know it won't go away, I've tried it before. It just comes back worse. We are sexual beings, there's no shame in that. I know I'll find the exit. I'm just frustrated. At the start of Uni, I was getting nearly A's in every module. By the end, I was barely passing and ended up doing several re-sits. Naturally the difficulty gets harder, but for my average to basically halve is demoralising It seems no matter what I did (or do) I was powerless to stop me feeling miserable. I tried so hard, and barely got through...

I've got a huge amount of talent. But I'm trying to find any sort of volunteering ot part-time job at the moment. I should be better than these, should be high flying. Instead, I'm a mental wreck. What on Earth happened!!?? Five years ago, life was perfect. Literally perfect. Now it depends on what time of day you ask me...

I'm going to talk to my friends and counsellor about this. I really need help. Normally I would worry about bothering them. But I've got such got friends and loving relatives. They would want me to bother them, to ask them for help. By God, I need it. What did I do that was so bad!?

Lily xxx

[Guest Clair Dufour]

The problem with porn and such is that it does no interact with other people and build relationships and make friends. Everyone needs this. Being TG does complicate things but, at some point you have to go out and find people who think like you and accept you for who you are. Your in a big city it should not be that hard do. You don't even have to dress till you have done a good recon and found a mate or two. You also have a wee bit of advantage over most of us as you can wear the kilt and long hair and have both sexes take notice. Yes its a manly garb there but it does send out messages to those that can see it.

[Guest actuarylilium]

That's definitely been my experience from Porn... it really twisted my mind. Made me think that I was alone when I really wasn't. Fortunately, I recognised how evil it was and have gotten so much better at avoiding it (touchwood that this continues).

As a result of that I've felt able to reach out more and more to my friends and close relatives. Many of them know I cross-dress, and everyone I have told has been supportive (apart from my parents)

I used to think asking for help was bothering them, but they've made it clear I'm not bothering them. And they would rather I ask for help than suffer in silence.

I feel like a new chapter has opened in ny life. And I feel like a total idiot.. For 4 years I've essentially been trying to make my sexuality go away - even when I've been saying otherwise. It doesn't work. And it's because sex and sexuality isn't a bad thing, a dirty word. Now, I can explore my sexuality without embarrasment or shame Honestly, I'm far more relaxed and happy today.

Now all I need is to find a job...

Lily xxx

[Charlize]

I found much the same thing as i came here and found that there was more to my female feelings than porn had ever shown. For most of my life i felt dirty and thought others would only see that aspect of me if i transitioned or otherwise expressed my feminine side. "Man up" was my mantra; unfortunately it only caused pain.

I'm glad you are finding some peace within yourself.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest KatyDesire]

The self-gratification and porn stuff is completely normal. Completely Normal. Have a look at some of the major studies on sexuality - Masters and Johnson may be a bit old, but it remains valid, although there are a bunch of newer ones.

Think of it - the porn and sex-toy industry is huge - if you could get just a small percentage of it you could retire tomorrow.

If that was all an aberration, then either everyone is abnormal - which is a contradiction in terms - or else it is totally normal.

So go and get yourself a job, stop believing the propaganda, and be yourself.

Hugs,

Katy

[Guest actuarylilium]

Hi Katy,

Thank you for reaffirming this to me I still feel like a massive idiot for trying to cover it all up and hope it would go away. Even when I was outwardly saying I would embrace it, I was still inwardly trying to cover it all up. It just goes to show that I am not the sole source of knowledge in the Universe, Uni degree or not!

My parents are very conservative sexually. Their sex life is non-existant now, and their relationship disfunctional (as much as I love her, my Mum is an alcoholic). They always told us not to out our hands anywhere near our gentials because "it's bad". Never spoke to us about sex or sexuality. Th only thing is I got caught twice (once on Porn, once cross-dressing, both several years apart)'and they made it quite clear that I should that this stuff was unacceptable and to go nowhere near it again. Yet for the first few years of self-gratifying, I never ever felt guilty. It was only when Uni got difficult (very difficult) that I started to question it. Was so depressed I tried and tried to make it all go away

This really does feel like a new chapter. For 4 years I've been trying to make this go away. Even managed to make myself depressed and on medication because of it. I don't know how it happened, it occurred to me again on Saturday that self-gratification won't go away. But this time, I decided to accept it rather than fight it. No idea why. All I is the last couple of weeks had been so difficult trying to repress it. And that I've been talking to people more and more about my sexuality, and that's helped to take some of the stigma away.

I'm feel noticeably more relaxed and calm today. It also helps that I've now been on my lower dose of medication for 4 weeks, so my brain is starting to settle down. Suddenly, I feel excited and optimistic about life again

Thank you all for your help..... I have no doubts that I will need more help in the future!

Lily xxx