Girl Slob--

[VickySGV]

I have been going through a period where I am turning into as big a SLOB as I was back in the guy days, and for the same reasons I was a slob then, I don't give a damn!! I was cussing a blue streak with some people on Saturday, and I rarely swear or curse. I am feeling like wearing my most masculine grundgy and maybe not even clean stuff that is not what TG dreams are made of for when you become post. I did not wear make-up at all today and did not care one bit if I was correctly gendered and for a bit hoped someone would so I could sneer at them. I guess I am going through some minor depression, but I am thinking of all I have been through to look and think as I am at the minute. It seems nuts. It is not regret of any sort, but its a reality on par with some of my pre-trans* days as "him:,

I wish I knew why I am grumpy, and it may be I need some IRL hugs, but I wish I knew.

[Guest]

Menopause?

Then again nothing says we have to be purdy every day.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Kenna Dixon]

Vicky, I've slipped into the same mode. But it's not depression in my case. I can attribute it to the fact that I have a part-time job in a very male-oriented environment. Since I otherwise work at home, I lost the motivation and got stuck in neutral.

However, I'm on the verge of being able to give up the job in favor of some computer work that's beginning to pay off.

So just this week I've found a small salon and asked the stylist/owner specifically to help me recover and sustain my feminine mojo. That's a luxury I haven't given myself in about four years. And tomorrow I'll be meeting with the director of a local hospice program who's desperate for part-time volunteer assistance to keep the office organized. Unless I sense that the atmosphere is hostile to transgender people (highly unlikely), that will be another opportunity to re-energize the real "me".

[Guest Sarah1967]

Could it be PMS !!!! I get like that at times..

[Charlize]

Vicky please remember you are a winner. You are sober and living beyond any dream you've had. Being down can come and go as unfortunately can our joy and the newness of being ourselves. Fortunately we have an HP to help.

I know i need a meeting. It's one reason i'm looking forward to being home.

Hugs,

Charlize

[JJ]

Here is a big hug from me Vicky. We have to work so hard for so long I think it is only natural that some part of us demands a break once in awhile. I've had times a little like that though am nit post-op and the barriers to that is the source of most of my down times. For me there is also te realization that though I am far more than I ever dreamed I could be I have also maximized what I could do. This is what I am left with like it or not. Kind of like knowing the limits to all the secret big dreams. I didn't think I would ever get this far but secretly dreamed of being more . Instead of looking at working toward something the time came to look at my lim itations. That was depressing. I think for us who transitioned later the old habits sometimes push back too.

It helps me to work on something productive then-I'm catching up on 10 years of neglected projects around here and it will take at least a year to catch up. I keep reminding myself of how much better it really is and get tough with myself. But that is what works for me and what I have to do. I tend to just get worse if I pamper myself or give in but for some people just backing off ad being good to themselves helps.

It will pass. That I'm sure of. And when it does the Vicky that you have worked so hard to realize will still be there al ready and waiting to embrace life again once you are recharged. Even strong people need to take a break sometimes.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

Vicky,

Do you have some health issues That may be catching up with you from years long ago ,some times its internal and your not aware of that, are there any meds your on now that could be effecting you , .what else have you noticed about your self that may be a trigger, and of cause when did you have your blood tests done some time ago, maybe be there could be an issue underlieing in how you are feeling,

Your a year under me , and try this how well do you know your body it could just be a simple detail and find that and then you can work out what needs to be done or changed ,

I would look at your meds side of thinges just a thought,

may be nothing ,, i would look at meds dose rates concistincy effective and over how long a period ,Iv worked with meds over many years and seen a few things happen both good and bad and sorting them and in how they work and side effects ,

Any way worth looking at if nothing else peace of mind, email me if you need to,,

...noeleena...

[Drea]

So what if you are feeling lazy now and again.

On the other hand its been my observation that a large portion of MTF tend to become somewhat affected during transition doing things to fit social role or how they look. After some years the affectations slowly fall by the wayside. For example a friend a friend when she started to transition would only wear dresses and went really "girly" dropping her interest in cars and customizing them, selling her jeep for something more appropriate. A few years later she had gotten much more casual in her dress mostly wearing jeans and one day shows up in a jeep and starts telling me all the stuff she had done to it.

So maybe some of that going on. In any case no big deal, kinda par for the course in my view.

[VickySGV]

Thank you all, I think Drea has nailed what is really going on here. It was two years ago that I got my notice that my GCS date was being moved forward by three months, and at the time I was just a bit over a year of being Full Time, which even though I had eased into for over half a year, I was still butting my head against folks who did not see me as being "girl" even with the changes I could see by then. Surprise, surprise, but now that I am closing in on being two years post-op, the same damn folks still do not see the <censored> differences and my surgical status is irrelevant to them since they are close family members. It is these folks who have been in my life pretty heavily for a couple of weeks, and I have realized that a couple of my old behaviors which I thought I had buried with HIS corpse are coming back to haunt me. I wish those behaviors had been customizing automobiles, but these are a little darker involving how I let people in my family control me and my time, and the negatives I let them dump on me. Now that the shock and novelty has worn off of them, it is their business-as-usual, because they only needed to change in very tiny ways compared to what I had to. That crap has got to stop, and I am working on it.

Another element of this is that I am up to four invitations for wedding's and a few more people I have come to know announcing their engagements that will probably be wedding invitations in a while. All of these have involve super cute pictures of the couples who look soooooo happy together. The weddings will be next Spring and will mean some travel time involved which should be a nice, since I do like to travel. but lets face it, this is about couples, the youngest being 7 years younger than me, and I am single with no prospects of changing that status. I am still friends with my Ex, but the intimacy we had years ago is dead and we know it cannot be revived. When our marriage broke up I knew that for many reasons that I was not going to seek a committed couple relationship again in my life and up until now that has been my life that has simply happened. Seeing lovebirds though, looking so darn happy and cute is hard and hurts, I just do not see a change coming that way in my life, as it has been.

I am still happier with the "me" of today, but I feel like I did back in my early 20's when my friends then were getting married. The fact that the weddings I do want to go to would not have been possible back then, and possibly would have horrified me then, does not change my being able to see the beauty in the people and their relationships. Yes, all but one of them involves at least one "T" person as the partner. The other is a lesbian couple. This has awakened an old old old dream that to me still seems to have no chance of coming true. (Is it therapist time??)

Noeleena: I am having a few minor allergy problems, and the allergy meds are not helping, but I have been on them for years at this time, and the rest of my health stuff is the best it has been in years!!. Thank you for the thoughts though.

[Guest CassieX]

I can relate Vicky, sometimes I feel like being Invader Zim instead of Hello Kitty. I think it's pretty natural.