No Sense of Self

[Guest Janice24]

I'm going to warn you all ahead of time that this will be a long one.

I forget whether or not I mentioned my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety. It seems like if I go even a couple of days without my medication everything goes to hell for a while. Today was no different.

Before that, though, a history of myself. For months now I have identified as "Transgender" instead of "Crossdresser", even if the former is vague compared to the latter. When I first discovered the label it made sense at the time to identify as such; I grew up a boy-turned-man with no inner thoughts of being a girl. Inside I was confident I was a man, just a feminine one who liked to dress up as a woman. Thus it seemed obvious that the "crossdresser" label fit me.

Lately though I have become more aware of my motives for dressing up as a woman. Since the beginning it was more than just the clothes, it was the desire to "be" a woman (or at least as close to one as I could). However, while I wanted to look like a woman and behave like a woman, I didn't want to take the permanent steps to become a woman. I mean, if I had the magical power to transform back and forth between male and female, I'd abuse that power like no other. Still, the idea of permanently becoming one or the other scared me. Because of this I've lately thrown around the idea of being "genderqueer" inside of my head. I mean it would explain why I was reluctant to become a binary gender, right?

I wish.

That brings us to today and my depression. Usually when I get depressed I can chalk it up to a million reasons: lack of money, horrible job, no relationship, etc. Today, though, it really felt like I was depressed because of my gender dysphoria. The only reason for me to be depressed, I figured, was because I still keep it a secret. Out of fear for my safety and livelihood, I have told very few people about my gender dysphoria. I always knew it bothered me, but now I'm starting to see how much I really hate doing so.

As the day went on, I began questioning why I do and don't do certain things. Like do I not shave every day because I am lazy or because I simply hate being reminded that my facial hair will just grow back by the next day? Do I not practice makeup because I hate it, because I'm not going out, or because I still feel like I'm just a guy in makeup? Do I not dress up because I feel comfortable in men's clothing or because I don't own enough women's clothing?

The biggest question though was the one that shook me the most: do I not want to become a woman permanently because I still feel like a guy, even a little, or is it because I'm scared of what that road entails? In other words, is it because I am afraid not of being a woman, but the transition itself?

All my life I've taken the path of least resistance. I put on a mask showing people what they wanted to see (or at least what I thought they wanted to see). Not just my dysphoria, but my love of geeky things, my sexuality, everything was hidden so that I could be the perfect young man. To this day I'm still taking off pieces of that mask, and it seems like every time I take off 1 piece a million questions come forth. This is no different.

What doesn't help in the slightest is that my personality isn't all that "feminine". I mean sure I like the occasional chick-flick and some romance in my stories, but I also never was into fashion or beauty and always loved sports and other "manly" pursuits. I also just don't act "feminine" naturally; others see me either as a guy or (as one rather blunt person put it) "butch".

I don't know who I am; it feels like I never have. Every time I think I'm beginning to get an idea something like this happens and I just feel confused and scared all over again. What only makes it worse is that I don't know where to go. I know the best option is a Gender Therapist but I still lack the resources (especially money) to see one regularly. On top of that, there's no telling that what I believe now will not change in the near future, just like what I believed six months ago was different than what I believe now.

I'm sorry this was so long. I just hope somebody out there can help, even just a little.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

I know exactly how you feel in being confused over exactly what it is you want, what you are, what to do about it, and self-doubt. Honestly you're story sounds very similar to mine. Unfortunately I don't really have any words of encouragement.

I too struggle with not being all that "girly" and therefore questioning if I really am trans or not. On that point into important to note that there are many, many cis-women that are not feminine much at all. I know, knowing that doesn't help me much either.

And I also empathize with your esperience in general. While I never dressed, I would intensely fantasize and dream of being a girl all the time, and would have killed for the ability to go back and forth. Yet I wouldn't have called myself trans because I didn't want to go though transition to permanently change.

And as time has gone on I've realized that it is indeed mostly the transition and unknown/unguaranteed results that prevents from hoping on board. If there was a magic wand that transformed me overnight and made everyone not make a huge deal over it I'd probably have waived it long ago. But still the doubt lingers on in my mind.

I've written numerous blog entries on topics surrounding this, perhaps it might be helpful to know that you are not the only one haunted by these questions.

I know it can be frustrating, cause so many trans people seem to have it all figured out. They've always been super effeminate, are attracted to men, love fashion and makeup, and high heels. It's obvious they are trans and hoorah for them. But for the rest of is the decision is much less clear - one I still personally haven't been able to make.

Also yes gender therapists = $$$ and with all the other therapy I've taken on for other issues, alas too-probably not happening for me for a while.

All the best.

[Guest ZombieDracula]

I don't have any advice really, but just want to mention that a person can still be trans even if they decide against hormones, or surgery. It's definitely not for everyone.

I do hope you're able to figure out everything for yourself. Writing it all out can be helpful in the long run.

[Charlize]

I am sorry for your confusion. I have certainly felt much the same. It has taken years to find some peace. Unfortunately this isn't a 3 lane highway or even a one way street. It's a tiny road, filled with switchbacks going up quite a mountain. Hang in there and just take your time. If you can enjoy the view but know you will find peace and that your not alone on the road.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest NeutraLee]

Yeah, pretty much the same but opposite. Always living as a not-very-feminine woman, suddenly discovering the notion of gender queer, gradually wearing more and more masculine clothing, more overtly, actually shopping in the men's section instead of searching (unknowingly) for the most masculine clothing in the men's section... now wondering where I really lie on the continuum. FTM? FT-? Genderqeer? Currently depressed -- seemingly due to no job, crappy job, no relations. But there's this gender thing underlying it all.

I envy those who clearly know who or what they are. I'm in limbo, and I'm not entirely sure whether my current depression is linked to gender stuff. It makes sense, but the job and relationship thing still applies. Limbo. Gender limbo, job limbo, relationship limbo. I just wish I could figure it out.

I have no answers. Only commiseration.

[Carolyn Marie]

It would be nice if we all fit into those convenient boxes, labeled "straight" or "CD" or "Trans" or whatever. That would make life a lot simpler for many of us. But it doesn't always work out that way. There is no need, Janice, to feel bad or depressed because you can't fit yourself into one of those boxes. Perhaps you never will. But that doesn't mean you can't find some middle ground where you are happy, or at least satisfied with things. Things do change, too, and what seems like the answer right now might not be in a few months or years, or vice versa.

That may not sound like much of an answer, but that may be the one that comes closest to the truth. Look, if you can find the time and the resources to see a gender therapist, that might help. But if you can't, it isn't the end of the world, either. You can still talk to us here, research things for yourself, try different things on your own, and see if your mind and your attitude and your needs change over time. It isn't unheard of to figure things out for yourself.

In the meantime, please try not to stress too much over your doubts and indecision. Not rushing headlong into something is sometimes the best answer.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest devida]

Hi Janice

You wrote that all your life you have taken the path of least resistance. I wonder if this is true. When I was young I worried about much the same thing but it really wasn't true. I felt that because I was comparing myself to some ideal of the perfect me, perfectly successful, perfectly courageous, perfectly productive, etc., etc. I found out everyone, including the people I thought were perfect, felt the same way. There's even a term for it - imposter syndrome - a state of mind in which you second guess yourself all the time about your actual worth. Let me suggest that nobody who is dealing with issues of gender identity in as deep and searching a way as transgender people are can be said to be taking the path of least resistance. If you are trans what you are doing all day long is fighting against resistance, resistance from society, resistance from your friends and family or resistance from yourself. That's what you're doing, isn't it? Struggling? Fighting? Don't sell yourself, your courage and motivation short. Being trans is not easy.

[Guest Sarah23510]

It's just comforting to know others have the same feelings and experiences....thank you.

[Guest Janice24]

Sorry if it feels like I'm bumping a dead topic.

Thank you everyone. I feel like I'm on a one-way roller coaster that doesn't loop into itself. It is a scary road of self discovery where every hill is followed by a bigger hill. Right now I feel like I'm simply accepting what I already knew and feared:

I may want to live life as a woman.

If that is true then what I fear is not being a woman (as I said before) but what the transition into one may bring. The people I lose. The doors shut. The varying levels of negative responses. I'm afraid of being alone. Like I may have a couple of people in my life but for the most part be even more alone than I am now. I have never been in a real romantic relationship and a lot of people I know are very religious.

That said if I want to live life as a woman then I can't see myself not transitioning. I don't like the idea of living a lie or being "a guy in a dress" or something. Nothing wrong with it except it is not me I feel.

Really I just feel scared of being right AND being wrong.

[Guest Mickey]

I can admit that when I first started to trasition, I felt much the same. I didn't want to be a man in a dress. Well I wear what I want to these days, only female clothing, and I am happy. I am being myself for the first time and people see just how much happier I am these days. A friend told me, after I had come out to him, that "You're not such a *slang term for female dog* now that you're a chick." And ya know what? He's right. I'm much more pleasant company now. Also, the old saying about 1 door closes and another opens, well, in my case it has been more like 3 or 4 opening when the 1 closed.

I guess the point is, I was scared also but went ahead and did what I needed to. I'm not finished yet, still growing into the woman I am to be. But the journey is fun. Way more fun than the closet.

[Guest Ky_Ki]

Janice youve said the exact same thoughts which are berating my mind these days. The transition is ridiculously frightening and I'm afraid if all it could bring. And the guy in a dress thing is something that also causes me great angst. Best of luck.

[Guest Janice24]

I'm sorry for bumping such an old thread. I would start a new one but it'd basically just be a sequel to this one and would feel like a waste. Bear with me as it's nearly midnight and I'm suffering from an insomnia attack, meaning I'm more likely to post a rambling mess.

Right now not much has changed in the last few months. I've talked to a couple of girls about possibly wanting to transition and at least one was not surprised in the least. It seems that I gave off a vibe I wasn't even aware of.

The problem is that, between work, school, and other stuff, I simply have not had the means to analyze this further with a therapist. Even if I did, though, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm angry, afraid, and depressed all at the same time right now. Angry because a part of me hates this feeling of being at least partly a woman and wanting to be one; I'd much rather it not exist at times. I'm afraid of losing people close to me. Not necessarily distant family so much as my best friend and/or his family. While I have hopes for my friend, his family is pretty conservative and his parents love me like a son. I am deeply afraid of losing that relationship forever since they have been a strong source of support for me since high school. Finally, I'm depressed because I don't know if I'll ever be happy no matter what I do.

I also don't know when to start seeking a GT. I mean I can come up with excuses until I die, but eventually I'm going to have to tackle this. For instance, if I keep putting it off until after I finish school and start a new job, what do I tell my new employers (assuming I'm still closeted at the time of the interview)? I don't think it's fair to them if I keep this to myself until after they hire me if I suspect something now. However if I come out before then how will that affect my current, already crappy, work life? What about my school life?

I want to be happy, but it feels like the more I think about things the worst I feel.

[Guest Janice24]

I'm sorry for bumping such an old thread. I would start a new one but it'd basically just be a sequel to this one and would feel like a waste. Bear with me as it's nearly midnight and I'm suffering from an insomnia attack, meaning I'm more likely to post a rambling mess.

Right now not much has changed in the last few months. I've talked to a couple of girls about possibly wanting to transition and at least one was not surprised in the least. It seems that I gave off a vibe I wasn't even aware of.

The problem is that, between work, school, and other stuff, I simply have not had the means to analyze this further with a therapist. Even if I did, though, I'm not sure what I'd do. I'm angry, afraid, and depressed all at the same time right now. Angry because a part of me hates this feeling of being at least partly a woman and wanting to be one; I'd much rather it not exist at times. I'm afraid of losing people close to me. Not necessarily distant family so much as my best friend and/or his family. While I have hopes for my friend, his family is pretty conservative and his parents love me like a son. I am deeply afraid of losing that relationship forever since they have been a strong source of support for me since high school. Finally, I'm depressed because I don't know if I'll ever be happy no matter what I do.

I also don't know when to start seeking a GT. I mean I can come up with excuses until I die, but eventually I'm going to have to tackle this. For instance, if I keep putting it off until after I finish school and start a new job, what do I tell my new employers (assuming I'm still closeted at the time of the interview)? I don't think it's fair to them if I keep this to myself until after they hire me if I suspect something now. However if I come out before then how will that affect my current, already crappy, work life? What about my school life?

I want to be happy, but it feels like the more I think about things the worst I feel.

[Guest VioletDharma]

Hi!

I've had many of the same thoughts you've described, and continue to have them from time to time. Depending on the type of school you are at, many offer low-cost counseling-- it may not be with a therapist who specializes in gender issues, but it can help with depression, anxiety and other related issues. Similarly, many cities have sliding scale or low-cost therapy available through community services. And some employers have an Employee Assistance phone line where you can get anonymous support and referrals. I've taken advantage of all of these many times!

While it would certainly be good to find a gender therapist, ANY therapy can be helpful in the meantime. Just having someone you can talk to about all of these racing thoughts and emotions can help you identify and clarify your feelings. Like looking at yourself in the mirror before going out for the day-- you know when you get everything just right. Thinking too much about things often has a way of turning little ripples into giant, crashing waves!

Violet

[Guest Charlotte J.]

What grabbed me was "no sense of self". YES! Over the years, it's gotten better, but at the root of my depression is... identity. Alienation. For a long time, I've measured my alienation by my anger and frustration at... various soocial phenomena. I begin to wonder, though, how much of that anger and frustration is due to being gendered wrong. I get frustrated when I'm expected to act in ways that are stereotypically male. I get frustrated when guys assume that misogynistic humor will make me laugh, or that I'll chime in on the virtues of being a man.

I just dressed in a bohemian skirt, my favorite top, a necklace. I put on lipstick and foundation. This is the first time I've put on foundation in several years. It wasn't the perfect shade, but it sort of worked. I stood looking at myself. Is this the more authentic me? What is going on? I feel happy when I present this way, but is it just because it's novel? Or is this something deeper?

Like others in this thread, I go back and forth. Here lately I've been in a positive phase of trans affirmation. I hope it lasts. I do have support from my wife, but this is such a journey into the unkown. I plan to drop in at a local LGBT center this weekend and try to make some connections.

Transition? Yes, that's frightening. I'm not close to being there. I'm far in the closet, but I'm not playing around. This is me that I'm working with. It's not just "my femme side". It's my sense of self. When I dress, I see myself blooming. I'm kinda a freaky flower. Too hairy in the wrong places. Thinning hair cropped short. I'm going to let that grow, though, I think. Fortunately, my hair grows fast. Even with the thinning hair, the too-pale foundation, there's something radiant happening when I present this way. I take that as a pretty strong signal that I'm on the right path.

It's going to be a slow walk.

Now as far as losing people in this process. Well. Part of me shrugs and says "their loss". But that's flippant. I imagine it will be difficult for my older family members: parents, in-laws. I imagine it's going to be awkward in many instances with old friends. Awkward with current friends. Just awkward. It's an awkward thing, being trans. But as I begin to accept more and more that this is really who I am, that I am a trans woman walking a path of self-discovery, emergence, and social confrontation (which, you know, I didn't ask for, but can't do anything about), I realize that I don't have much of a choice. I can keep over there, riding on the boys' side of the bus, and feel blunted and not fully myself, or I can step out into the sunshine of my birthright, my human right to be me. And to all the people that's going to weird out, well, I know myself and know that I'll be sensitive to their discomfort. But the shame there is that the people who feel entitled to feel discomfort around out trans people probably have close to no awareness of the discomfort trans people feel daily simply being with a whole load of gendered assumptions projected onto us that do not fit.

So I guess what I want for myself and for all trans people is for us to feel confident about ourselves. I don't like that we are often diagnosed with a "gender identity disorder" and I don't like that I may need to seek that diagnosis out at some point and be expected to be grateful for it so that I can simply be more fully myself. From my perspective, it's not trans people who have the disorder. The disorder is the gender system that assumes that because I was born with a penis I will behave in certain ways, live up to certain expectations, and process my emotions (or fail to) in certain ways.

That's just... I don't even know. I mean, think about it, before we are able to hold our own heads up, before we can feed ourselves, other people have judged us and put us in one of two categories based on our genitals. Once you're in the category, no going back without severe social stigma.

Being trans is uncomfortable. The discomfort of being trans is waaaaaay unfairly slanted onto trans people. So of course we struggle. But if we've come this far, we've shown immense strength. If we choose to keep moving into our authentic selves, we'll be amazing.