response to sense of self

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi,

I was going to make a response to the thread 'No Sense of Self' and I didn't want to just piggyback on the things said there but maybe try to put down my feelings about the topic in my way, which will end up talking about me and probably not help advise the person with that post at all.

There were a number of things that I think many of us have felt, and some of us are still feeling. I just finished reading the WPATH document, or parts of it, and it really does all seem a little too much. The whole transitioning thing. So much to go through, so many hurdles to jump through, so many people that you may lose, and so much pain. I sure can't believe it's all a great experience for everyone.

In a way, I guess I am already transitioning. I am becoming more of the 'real' me everyday. I go out in public more and more and am feeling so much more at ease being me.

The WPATH document defines me as a CD because I have not taken any body altering methods in my transition. It seems so wrong to me, as many of you know. I have a very true sense of my self. So in that respect I am much different than you, Janice. I am Faith all day. When I get home the first thing I do is change. Not to get in touch with a feminine side, but because I have no choice. I'd love to just throw back and relax. Who wants to get dressed yet again after a long day at work. I have to get rid of that person I am forced to hide behind all day. I need to be me totally. I wish I had a choice. Some nights I am so tired, but dutifully shower and apply my make-up.

Janice, I can't even relate to the feeling of being kind of a male. Maybe it is something that will change for you the more your own personal journey develops. I feel totally like a female inside. I absolutely don't want to take part in any manly endeavors. I don't think it was always like this. There were times in the past when I enjoyed some more male activities. Not anymore though.

I have an appointment with my therapist on Saturday and the reason for going was to start the discussion about hormones. Do I want to take hormones? I don't think I do, not 100%. I believe I'm in for a world of hurt. It may help my dysphoria, but the WPATH document cliams it is not guaranteed to relieve it. So, will I possibly lose the only people close to me and still not get rid of these feelings? Will I then have to take the next step and hope that helps? It's a question everyone here has faced or has likely thought about, I know.

I may then be considered a MTF and not a CD but I don't think it will change my sense of self one bit. I know who I truly am. I am Faith. I have been for longer than I can recall and I will be tomorrow as well.

I think you have to find that sense of self Janice before you start worrying too much about things. If you feel like doing male things, do them. Be happy that you have that choice. It may be gone someday. Believe me, I think it's a little harder once it leaves. I can't find any pleasure in those things that would be easier for me with the help of my biological body. Everything I take part in, that doesn't help my GD adds to my depression.

Faith

[VickySGV]

WPATH and the Standards of Care 7th Version. are guidelines but they indicate a direction and do not mark the edges of a road or even its center line. There are no guarantee's in them, nor does any specific medical professional have to follow them as a religious dogma or lose a license (or go to Hell). The good, conscientious professionals, pardon the phrase here, use them professionally to arrive at an end that will help the client without damaging them. I carefully say professional and define that as being someone whose experience and judgment have been tested and found adequate. A true professional knows when some rule or part of a rule will have a negative impact on the health and well-being of the client and will not apply that rule or guideline just because it is there. That is what makes them a professional, because they do apply principles and do have the approval of a variety of sources to make decisions that seem to defy seemingly "written in stone" requirements. We ourselves do not have the ability to make those judgments that go against the guidelines, nor do these professionals have an ability to do it for themselves. Thus we and they need other professionals when it comes to our health care.

A person who by law or by training can only apply the written rules in a way that does not deviate from patient to patient in any fashion, is not a professional, and is not what we need in regard to the deepest parts of our care. Another brick wall for us when we try to apply the standards to ourselves. We will either want to break certain rules that will harm us, or we will apply other rules to ourselves that we do not need to, and thus will also harm ourselves. We cannot apply the guidelines in SOC 7 without specific help, and personal journey. The need for the journey to be completely honest without regard to what we have read or are trying to manipulate to our uninformed desires is actually our contribution to the process.

In my case, I had begun my journey by admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and could not control it by myself. I also could not control my Gender Dysphoria without help either and the two were intertwined. My first goal was to find control over alcohol in my life. I essentially forgot about the GD but it came out in ways that I did not know about until I said them in a counseling session. Without even thinking about it I discussed my GD with my Professional Level Therapist, who early in the game I had no idea knew anything about GD. The deeper I went toward resolving my life's issues, the more it became apparent as to what was happening. I had been using the alcohol to avoid the GD which terrified and sickened me to think I would ever transition and live full time as my True Self Female. To continue to live and have any enjoyment in life, I found that I had to give in to the GD. This finding was what my therapist guided me into, and but I alone stepped out of a dark cave into some light. I did get HRT shortly after, and it did control the debilitating part of the GD and helped me to be fully in touch with a tiny person inside of me, who then grew and smiled and laughed as if she had been holding all these things in for my early years, and she was the owner of that peace, not who I had thought all along.

Do not decide what will come from therapy, and do not go in with the idea of serving a jail term that has no possibility of parole until the sentence is finished in years. Do not withhold the doubt, nor underplay your certainty. Admit that what you "know" at the minute is very likely flawed in many ways. This is a journey of release and not entombment. Be you, and trust your therapist until they prove you cannot, and only then find another whom you can trust.

[Guest Faith gibson]

Thank you for your reply Vicky. I would like to think about your last paragraph. I would also like to talk to you some more about it.

I certainly don't think or pretend that I am sure of anything. I admit that I have lots of doubt about my future. So, I thank you for your advise about not condemning myself too early. I will try to be more open when I see my therapist, thank you

[VickySGV]

Faith, this topic in the Post Op Forum that I began two days ago shows where doubts and minor changes will keep happening in this the rest of our lives. It is a steep and grueling climb to making a transition that seems to last forever, and yes I did go "all the way" in some people's idea of dreams, but for what?? I have had some people leave my human life FOREVER, but they did it by dying from a variety of causes. Others have not left violently, but they have faded into the distance, mostly because they were friends for a season or a reason, and seasons have changed and reasons have been fulfilled. For the people in my life who have stayed, there was a period of what I call "shock and novelty" that has worn off, and damn it, some of the past I would like to have gotten beyond is coming back into it's old familiar place. I am going to have to go back to work to shovel out and sweep out crud that my now resolved ( ???) GD and transition issues have revealed once again, Stuff I thought I could forget or just cover up with time was not resolved, just swept under a rug, and I find myself tripping on that damn lump the dust creates. GD has turned out to be ONE issue in my life, but only one single issue and to those who are in my life who see only a change in physical appearance, it is over and little has really changed that was not going to change as the result of time alone.

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=64309&hl=

Regrets, not at all, sour look on my face HELL YES.

[Guest]

Dear Faith,

VickySGV has answered wonderfully as always.

I have said this in an early Post of mine.

There are only 2 guarantees in life. Death and Taxes. The latter may be avoided for some time but the earlier will arrive no matter what.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

Sense of self,

i will say for myself i have allways known what and who i am, maybe not in words while i was young of cause, yet i knew about myself in many aspects all so knew my life would be fullfilled not in a complete manner yet with what i had it would work out and it has,

Theres allso something many miss , its about ...growing... what takes place will of cause be different for each person , male or female, and in my case a lot of for what im talking about has nothing at all to do with wether i was / am male or female, in my case never did matter. yet i had to learn lessons that would help me to become a woman ...grow....

my body started changes some 21 years ago . and has still been happening some may say oh yes HRT and surgerys..yes just the fact is not more than 11 years ago. my own hormones have done so much in changes for me i never would have thought possible ,

added synthic meds drugs what ever , were never going to do much for myself any way so i quess i was not that bothered, and i knew not to be,

i did not follow any set down quide lines as we did not need to , and nor would i because i was different in a number of ways , and there was no Wpath or such like that i would follow any way . as i hear about in the States, and the UK. I see and hear there seems to be a quide line in Austraila as well, yet that would not have applyed ether,

So i know what many of you have to go through , any way,

One detail that stands out to myself is , many are not sure of thems selfs or some of you in knowing who you are and what you should do or be doing , this of cause is strange in my thinking and so i have to step back in some of what i say,

so as not to offend others because of my difference how i see things and know things about my self that many dont have that insight,

The insight i had / have goes back to age 10 , and even later at age 17 i knew things about myself and my body and females bodys, this did not come about by being told or learning, i just knew ,

So when i put all this together i never had the issues or problems that many here and else where have, and i have spoken to many 100,s of Trans people dresser.s and intersexed ,

I think to my self i have been so privileaged so blessed in so many ways that i have been through life and had so much going for myself it beggers the ? i wonder why i was given this,

Now dont get me wrong i have had issues ,problems and concerns and your normal life, plus other details about myself that have and do effect me both mind and body its just overall i cant complain , because i have , well over the last I,ll say 15 years a lot going for myself that im very thankfull for, dont for get i owe a lot and Thanks to those who went out of their way to help me and they did not even know who i was or have to ,

So remember many people come into our lives .....And just for a short time. when we or my case needed them. and some with out asking,

...noeleena...