feeling scared

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi,

I've been using the forum more in the last few days. Most people here say, in the intros etc., that we are not alone, that there are people who will listen. So I need someone to listen tonight.

I'm not sure if it's because I have spending the last three or four days as myself, whether it has to do with things I've read today, or perhaps because of the baby steps I have been bragging about. In any case, I'm starting to get that frightened feeling that completely throws me off the rails.

I was cleaning out my closet today (not because of Charlize's thread, I had it planned anyway). I packed away a whole container of 'his' clothes. As I was going about this it occured to me that many of these clothes hadn't been worn for over a year, some much longer than that. Then I arranged the clothes that I had been wearing recently, on the hangers and shelves. When I was finished I looked at my handiwork and had a startling realization, my closet is a women's closet. It really is quite obvious that the person using that closet is female. My work clothes are still in there, and my kilt etc., but all the regular stuff I used to wear after work, just hanging out etc. are gone.

My house is full of flowers, I have at least four bouquets at any one time. If anyone comes in here, looks at my closet, my vanity, or just the things like flowers on all the tables, it would be pretty obvious. I even have my name on a plaque on my door.

The bottom line is, as I said, I took a look at what was happening and it's got me feeling really nervous. I still have been holding on to the hope that I would not have to come out and start hormones. I seem to be wavering back and forth on it. I don't want to go into too many details of that on the open forum.

Hopefully, I'll be able to speak with some of the people that have friended me over the last year and get some comfort. It's tough I know when everyone seems to need that comfort themselves. I really need to have a good cry I think.

Faith

[MaryEllen]

I hear you on the nervousness. I assume that you're not on any timetable in your transition. If any of the forward steps are bothering you, take a step back until you are absolutely sure that this is what you want to do. There's no hurry. You've got a lifetime to get there. If you have a therapist, tell him/her about these feelings. Don't do anything you'll regret later.

MaryEllen

[Guest Mickey]

A good cry can work wonders. I know I've cried a lot more since last January, when I started HRT. Most of those tears have been happy ones but there has been a few sad ones also. And I did feel better after. Like MaryEllen said, take a step back if you need to. The only person that has the power to speed things up, or slow them down, is you.

[Cyndee]

Hi Faith, it is indeed eye opening at times, when you start to compare against what was.

Like others say, take a step back if you need to, just be you, no worries.

I had an odd moment this last weekend, I decided to put on some old straight cut 501 jeans and a flannel shirt to work in the yard and change the oil in my truck. I don't think I've worn 501 jeans for years now, I just decided to wear something from the "old days" and gosh that was kinda interesting as I was feeling that old ruff denim on my smooth legs and it was just an odd experience. Made me really appreciate going back to my stretchy girly jeans after the grubby work was done. The point is don't be confined to anything, do what you feel. You don't have to transition, you can enjoy the finer things without going through all the medical or social steps, it's a lot of hassle. However the "slippery slope" effect as it's known is quite real and should be taken seriously. Talk to your therapist if needed. I am sure you will get many replies here.

Take care, be you, be happy

Cyndi -

[gennee]

Faith, earlier this year the realization hit me as to how far my life has moved forward but didn't really notice it. Change can be subtle and when the realization that transition could be closer than you thin, it can be frightening. Consider the alternative. I just put away my summer clothing. I actually have more clothing than my wife. Same goes with jewelry.

The life that you knew is going away. A new one is before you. Scary, yes. Exciting, yes. It's when you walk along the seashore and your footprints are left to show that you were there. Come back a while later and your footprints are gone. That's how it is with transition is. I haven't had the surgery nor plan to but my life has changed quite a bit. I certainly wouldn't change a thing.

[Carolyn Marie]

Faith, I understand completely how you are feeling, and where you are on this journey. it is very easy to get overly excited about the whole transition thing. I went through the same feelings of euphoria and wanting things to happen too fast. You get going on that sort of ski slope of progress, only to find that you're going too fast, and then try to figure out how to stop before you crash into the proverbial tree.

As others have said, take a step back and regroup, and really think about where you want to end up, and even more importantly, how fast you want and need to get there. There is no urgency. The one who seems to be pushing you right now is you, so you can slow down if you need to.

Transition can be a life saver, it can do a lot of things for you. But it isn't a race, and there are no losers for getting there after someone else. Not transitioning, or going part of the way, or going slowly, are all valid ways to cope. You should talk to your therapist about your fears, and work out a timeline that makes sense for you, and eases those fears.

Your house sounds lovely, BTW.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest LizMarie]

I second Carolyn's thoughts. I know that my therapist had me do a Word document extensively listing various goals for me to achieve and she let me set the dates when I planned to achieve those. That "plan" never materialized exactly as envisioned, but I've referred to that plan repeatedly over the last couple years, modified it to fit changing criteria, and still use it as a yardstick about how far I've come and how far I have yet to go.

I heartily recommend making a "plan", not because it will happen exactly that way. Odds are super high it won't. But just making the plan helps you begin to organize your thoughts, realize where you are, and decide where you are going.

[Charlize]

I know that feeling of sitting on a fence with a foot on both sides. It certainly hurts and makes one want one side or the other. I came to a very similar position and by talking to my GT and looking at the alternatives i swung a leg over. Part of me has stayed behind. I don't think any person is fully "male or female" . We are all mixes and while our presentation to the world may change the person within does not. Take your time....this is in no way a race. It is a path that hopefully will bring us peace. For me the deciding thing was how best to find that peace within the journey. We all find that in different ways.

Hugs,

Charlize

PS i'm glad your housecleaning wasn't my fault. I need to do a bit more myself.

[Guest Faith gibson]

Thank you to all of you that replied.

I went for a walk and thought about things a bit. I appreciate your thoughts and advice.

I know I'm on no timeline right now and as LizMarie suggests, maybe I should get some kind of plan written down and make things more real for me. The trouble is that I don't really want to slow anything down too much right now, I am really, really comfortable being me. I am talking to the GT about things and it will unfold as it will I guess. I just got a little overwhelmed for a sec.

I do not plan on doing anything without a lot of serious thought. This time, right now in my life, is the time I think I'm using to make sure this is what I want. I spend so much time as me now that the line gets blurred a little and I am without a doubt feeling better as me than when I'm not.

It's just so incredible, this whole thing. Up to a couple of years ago, I actually thought I had things under control. How do you fight against being yourself though? It's pretty much a losing battle.

Hopefully tomorrow will be back to normal.

Thanks again

Faith

[Guest devida]

Your closet sounds like mine. I do have some men's clothes, mostly shirts, in there but the closet certainly doesn't look anything like it did a few years ago.

It is my aim to be absolutely at ease with wherever I happen to be on the gender spectrum. I have some health issues that would make HRT a bit dangerous and I'm actually too old for hormones to have that significant an effect anyway so I don't think much about transitioning medically. I am more interested in presenting myself the way I feel. My primary goal is peace of mind, something I really could not achieve while I identified as a man but I'm not convinced that identifying as a woman would be less of an emotional roller coaster. Where I am on the gender spectrum from male to female varies a bit from day to day. I try to be alert to my level of comfortability and I dress accordingly. What I don't want to do is to push myself as a result of some idea of my actual gender or rather what it will be that day when absolutely everything works out. I try to remind myself that my gender and my happiness exists in the present moment, not in an imagined future. This isn't an easy thing to do. Human beings want to be able to control their futures. But for me at least the only way I can find contentment is to be satisfied with who I am and what I have right now. The more I do that the happier I am.

So I'm always trying to explore my gender today, which is kind of exciting and it certainly beats the drudgery of fighting against it, which is what I did all the years I was trying to be a man.

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi Devida,

Thanks so much for your views. I started reading a book by Kate Bornstein that talked a lot about what you are saying. I agree with you that in some respects it would not be easy to accomplish that lifestyle. It would make it very confusing for the people you interact with as well, wouldn't it? It would be a relief to not be tied to one gender so rigidly.

Unfortunately, for me, my feeling of being female is fairly strong. I was at a informational presentation on gender diversity last year, and the presenter, who I had spoken with before the talk began, asked me in front of everyone to come up to the front and point to where I thought I was on the spectrum. I was horrified and declined. I know, if I was being honest and I can't not be most of the time, I would have pointed as far over on the feminine side as it would have allowed me.

I love your smile.

Faith

[Guest]

Hi Faith.

Your closet sounds like a mirror image of mine.

Unfortunately I have not purged his clothing yet.

Thankfully the suits and ties were "mothballed" many years ago.

I still wear some of my old clothes while working on equipment or in the yard.

Who's want to ruin pretty clothing?

As my friends have mentioned. Don't rush your Journey. We are all on our own timeline.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest LizMarie]

Faith, there is a saying used on other transgender websites but not often used here. It's a phrase that describes what happens to many middle aged or older transgender women. They've spent their entire lives fighting against their inner self, then "their bell rings".

That's how it's often described. "My bell rang" one woman would say and another would affirm that, agreeing because her bell rang once too. And the saying of "my bell rang" is meant to define a demarcation point in their lives. Before that point they kept the inner transwoman under control. But after that point they couldn't do it anymore.

So, to borrow a phrase, it sounds to me like "you bell rang", Faith.

Good luck to you going forward. May your self-discoveries bring you as much joy and insight as my own have brought me.

[Guest Faith gibson]

Thank you LizMarie. I really appreciate your understanding and kind words. I agree with you. I have crossed a threshold.

Faith