Rambling: The Return

[Guest EmmaPark94]

Hi, everyone.

Yesterday was my cousin's birthday. We had seen the movie, Interstellar, and had spent the night at his house. There were two separate parties: one where we had seen the movie with some of his friends, and the other was the party with his family. The one with his family was today, so my brother and I just stayed until family started to arrive.

Here's where the tone changes. His girlfriend came, with my mother, who had driven her. Something else came with her, like a ghost. It plunged at me, guttering, choking, drowning, smothering me. What a lovely surprise! Social Dysphoria, again, we meet! I try my best to ignore it. We all go into the basement to play Cards Against Humanity. Something to get my mind off of things. It never truly worked. I knew it was still there, tucked away inside my head. After we had left, we had dropped his girlfriend off at her house. Even then, it lingered within me. I suppose it's always with me, just getting more attention at times.

His girlfriend and I are on very good terms. We share common ground, inside jokes, take your pick. She's really friendly, funny, and a bit quirky. I'm not developing feelings for her, but I do want to connect more with her. Because I don't want to be just one of the guys, rather, one of the girls. That's all I want. I complimented her on her scarf, and it sort of went a bit awkwardly. Which isn't bad, really, there are much worse ways it could've gone. But still, wouldn't it be nice to not have it go that way? I don't know. Life is weird. I really don't want to come out to her, because I am really afraid of endangering the relation I've built up with her. But that is always a risk, isn't it? Maybe sometimes, more than others.

On the plus side, my cousin's little sister wanted me to play with her for countless hours.. Got to wear a tiara for five seconds, so.. Worth it? I got to play a few female roles, too. Got a little practice in for my femme voice, and I just ended up sounding like the stereotypical gay guy voice. Which I would say is a step up from where I usually have to speak, the 'Morgan Freeman' step.

I ought to wrap this up before this looks like a novel. If you've made it this far, I present to you a medal! -gives you medal- Thank you very much, take care!

~ Emma

[Guest rexxmarksley]

Social dysphoria sucks, it's like this weight all of a sudden when you're around people like 'oh', know exactly how you feel.

Hopefully some day it won't be as bad

Aaron

[Charlize]

Thanks for the medal. Although it kinda clashes with my locket. I understand your distress and desire to just be one of the girls. At some point you may well be the woman you want to be. I'm beginning to notice that in social situations i'm no longer included with the guys and that if i complement someone on a piece of jewelry or clothing it simply starts a conversation.

That may happen to you in time but take your time and make certain it's the path for you.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

Social dysphoria stinks Emma, sorry you experience this, it can be very painful.

I know I've attempted compliments like that before I transitioned and they fell flat, they just look at you with a puzzled look, like "why would you be interested in that ?".

However since I've transitioned compliments are easy to give and are almost universally accepted. I've also been on the receiving end of many compliments from women, that's even cooler. It's like welcome to the girls club.

Solving social dysphoria for me required transition, I never could totally conquer it, until I did.

My suggestion is to simply not magnify social dysphoria by dwelling on it, it's best to try and diminish it, make it smaller any way you can. In other words, move on.

Hugs

Cyndi -