Being honest with yourself

[Guest DanielleH]

So I've been sober for ten months now. I've worked my steps but I feel like I left something out of my 4th & fifth steps. Basically, that is my desire to be a woman or transition I should say. Yes my wife knows of this, but I also told her that I would not transition. Lately I have been feeling guilty about this, and I am also having a stronger desire to do so. I feel like I am living a lie by not transitioning, I'm lying to myself by trying to convince myself that I'm not transsexual but just like to crossdress on occasion. I do have an appointment with a therapist again next week. LOL, part of me wants to just go in there and ask for the hormones. I'm trying to live in today and not focus on the future and what it may hold for me, but it is hard. I'm scared that I lose everything in my life due to being transsexual, but I'm also scared of relapsing because I know I can only lie to myself and everyone else before I start feeling the need to drink again. How have some of you managed this ? I know it has probably been discussed ad nuseum on these boards before but sometimes I can be a little dense.

Thanks

[Charlize]

Danielle thank you for sharing. When i first did my steps i was also honest with my sponsor to the extent i understood. I was expecting the release that is spoken of in the big book. It didn't come. I felt at the time that i being myself was a character defect. After several years i shared my reality with a women's group while on a business trip. I was dressed as a woman and was accepted. Life began to improve but it was when i was finally honest with those closest to me that i found so,me real peace with myself. My higher power had to help me. I had to let go of all of those fears and let the rock of lies fall to the side. Therapy helped and also helped me find a way to come out with the gentleness and compassion that i feel has helped to keep my marriage together.

Give yourself time. They say in early sobriety we should make no big changes the first year. That is good advice. Ten months is awesome but be gentle with yourself. We have to accept much and part of that is that this takes a bit of time.

Hope you can join us here on Sundays at 9:00 and if your interested i can aim you to some trans* AA meetings that use Skype.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Danielle..

Congratulations on being sober for 10 months.

I realize that you love your wife and do not want to do anything to hurt her.

I want to tell you that there are MANY members and Staff on Laura's Playground, that WERE able to maintain their marriage after transitioning.

I am very happy that you have an appointment with your therapist, hopefully they can help both you and your spouse.

There is also an AA Group on Laura’s Playground.

Transgender AA and NA Online Substance Abuse Support Group. A meeting for alcohol abusers and drug users based on Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcitics Anonymous AA/NA Style. The groups Moderators are : Michelle Doe, VickySGV and 2 charlie whom are AA members. Meets every Sunday Night at 9 PM in the substance abuse chat room.

Also, this group may also be of some help to both you and your spouse.

TG Couples This is a meeting both for the TG and their wives partners or husbands. Over 18 as mature subjects will be discussed. Both partners should attend. Meetings will be held every Saturday starting at 7 PM Eastern time. Moderators : Angel Wings and Tamar.

I am going to be honest with you, any time someone Come-Out as transgender is always risky.

Sometimes it goes extremely well, and other times it goes extremely bad.

In my case, I Came-Out Full-Time in my 50’s, and my entire family could not accept me, and did everything possible to hurt me and wanted me DEAD.

Eventually, they finally “Disowned”completely, which was finally a relief from their torture.

Even though, I lost my biological family, I have made so many more True Friends that accept me as me, which I now consider my NEW family.

Finally,

This information and FREE publication may also be helpful for you.

PFLAG (Opening the Straight Spouses Closet) http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf

Finding out a spouse is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender can be difficult. Questions about sexual orientation, fidelity, self-esteem and fear often go unanswered. This recently updated and expanded publication provides insight into issues facing spouses, including coping stages, identity crises, concerns about children and support avenues.

PFLAG Support for the Straight Spouse http://community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=314

Finding out that a spouse is LGB or T is a tremendous challenge and the beginning of a new, unexpected journey. The straight spouse is often devastated and feels isolated from most family members, friends, professionals and even LGBT organizations that do not understand or know how to address his or her unique issues.
The process of discovering peers helps straight spouses realize that they are not alone. It is through the support of these peers that many straight spouses are able to resolve issues and help their family to heal.

I hope that I have been of some help to you.

I wish you Success and Happiness in your Journey, AND maintaining your marriage.

Hugs,

Carla

[VickySGV]

This is a link to my first post here in this Forum where I described the intersection of my GD and my Addiction, how I "went out" and came to a sobriety that has lasted 6 years when I did not intend to ever get sober again. My battle had been on the honesty and on the place my Higher Power had lead me. Enjoy it and use what your can:http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=33881

[Guest DanielleH]

Thank you all for sharing. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Charlize, yes I would be interested in the AA skype meetings.

[Charlize]

I will Pm the information. You will need to request to join the group. Mention my name to Stuart if you wish. I have asked if it is ok to get folks in from Laura's and you will be welcome.We meet on Thursday at 9:00 eastern for a topic discussion meeting and on Saturday at 6;00 for a big book study. Would be happy to see you there.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Michelle 2010]

Good meeting for me when starting to come out. Have since found acceptance though not necessarily understanding in straight and Lgbt aa communities. Sometimes it can be helpful to be with aa'ers who "get it", right? Life has not allowed regular participation in the skype meeting much this year but I still cherish it and urge you to see if it is a good fit. My Thursday mornings start with a 645am meeting with a Sponsee followed by a meeting... Then work... Then dinner... Friday I attend a 7am meeting so 9 on Thursday night can be a bit much for me. Wonderful group of folks there when I was a regular. I think it probably still is :-)

Michelle

[Guest foxyjj]

Danielle,

Your post sounds identical to my situation with the exception that I don't have 10 months sober. My wife knows about my issues, both with drinking and the transgender aspect, and has told me straight up that she doesn't think I'm being honest with myself. I felt that my drinking was a way to decrease inhibitions so that I could more openly talk to her about my transgender feelings and I feel better about getting everything off my chest, but still feel deeply isolated and unsure of my future. Please feel free to PM me if you ever want to share thoughts or coping mechanisms. I would be interested to here more about how your wife is managing to deal with things.

Jess

[Guest PainterByNameOnly]

I have really struggled with honesty in my program even at 3 years sober, especially when in comes to being rigorously honest with my sponsor(s). I still have not come out to them out of fear of what their reaction might be. I find though that if I keep working on it and being as honest as I can be in each moment though that it does help. I have come out to other friends in the program that I do feel safe talking to and that does help a lot, and I am slowly working my way towards being 100% honest with my sponsor. As the book says its progress not perfection. I figure that as long as I stay sober, keeping going to meetings, keep working a program, and keep trying no matter what that I will eventually get there. I have definitely been on the "sometimes slowly" path of things and I am okay with that because I have found that staying sober for me is really a game of survival and learning how to be happy.

[Guest cerise]

Again I was going to start a thread to do with coming out as TG but this seems like a good place to post.

When I first told my mom that I was TG I packaged it in an easier to swallow pill by saying I was Gay. This was after my 50 th birthday at a restaurant and I was a bit gunned after the wine. Quickly I told her what I really was TG, Twin Spirit, etc. Later that spring she gleefully told my brother I was Gay when he arrived from the airport to visit, and from what my brother said, it sounded like she was delighted to have something juicey to tell him so I didn't really have to squirm with the news.

Still I was drinking at that time but prior I had two six month spats of sobriety over 3 or 4 years.

My depression started to fade after coming out and I felt at peace with being able to be me (dress within certain boundries) around someone.

I joined AA less than a year later and have been sober since. Not easy and not noble as it was under duress (charges) but it was my first experiance with faith in a higher power.

I told my first sponsor and a group of people in a hospital sponsored meeting that I was twin spirit or Transgender about 4 months in as I really couldn't see getting on with the program until that was cleared up. I must of thought about how to word it for three of those months.

It was a "No big deal" moment which was a relief, and instead of scorn I was met with interest and a few "I think I'm transgendered as well'.

(As a point of interest I lost my fear of heights that week which I had attained the day on my honeymoon which I popped the cork to the chamgagne atop a mountain on the San Juan Islands in Washington. the fear of heights has not come back.)

I went from there and had meetings with my sponsor who although a good councelor was not really savy with being TG and its realness.

Since then more people know including my kids and one close friend (a woman) who I thought necessary to tell.

Now I am probably at the point of going to LGBT AA meetings mostly to talk about how using was related to my Girl self.

Although I posted that I felt little shame about being Tg I remembered that one of the reasons I smoked pot all the time was because it stuffed any desire to be Cerise and as long as I was high I would stay in the straight world without fighting what was inside trying to be free. If I was sober and with any private time I couldn't last more than an hour in my male role

I was in effect numbing Cerise and making her gender neutral by drugging her.

The honesty part of the equation regarding coming out only strikes me as important when I can look back and see the time line between coming out as TG and going into recovery ( less than a year from "Moms Juicey News").

I am working on my 8 year cake in May 2015.

Maybe the one issue I have today is a lot of people think I am gay because of some of my mannerisms and I never date but the truth is I can't give a straight woman what she wants in regards to normality. Been there, done that. I have my kids and they know who I am.

They really do know and thats a blessing.

I don't know if I will transition all the way but there is still a lot of road to cover till I get to that point.