What has been the most important thing your SO has done for you?

[Guest esoterickayos]

Hello all. My name is Sara and I am an SO of an FTM. This is still new for both of us. Even though he's always struggled with his identity the acceptance and taking steps is only a few months old. I am trying to be supportive as I possibly can because I love the person, not the plumbing. But it has been hard for both of us. So for those of you who have had SO's while going through this phase of your life what would you say your SO did that made you feel the most supportive, showed you the most respect, or maybe something you weren't expecting that he or she did that blew you away? TIA

[Carolyn Marie]

My S/O has done many things that made me love her all the more, and made me proud of her. One of the first things she did was allow me to share her jewelry and other accessories. Of course, one of the most important, and simplest things she did, was to make sure she called me Carolyn. That meant so much to me, and still does.

Thanks for asking such a lovely and sweet question, Sara. It actually brought tears to my eyes.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest esoterickayos]

Thank you Carolyn. My partner has been using the name Adrian for a long time so the name part isn't hard for me. Making sure I'm using male pronouns has been harder but he understands I may slip up from time to time. But that, to me, is a simple small change, even though it's officially the beginning of this big scary journey ?

So you and your SO have made it through this transition? How long has it been since you came out? What has been the hardest part for your relationship?

[Carolyn Marie]

Yes, we have made it, and we are as close, and perhaps closer, than we have ever been. It's been five years, and the first year was the toughest. It was filled with fear, doubt, confusion, pain, and for her, a sense that everything she had counted on, going into our retirement years, was over.

Those fears have, for the most part, never been realized. We have done, and plan to do, everything we wanted to do. There are complications here and there, but we make allowances and figure it out as we go.

I don't think there is a single "hardest part" about keeping our relationship together. I think its been a process; of education, understanding, and figuring out what works and what doesn't. Telling her family, who are very Catholic, was the hardest thing for her. They were supportive, sort of, but did whisper things to her like "have you talked to a lawyer yet?" But they came around, eventually, and are OK with me now. Her younger relatives, especially. There is definitely an element of shame in it for many.

I think what has made it easier for her is the realization that my personality hasn't changed all that much. I cry easier, I do some things differently, but my jokes are still as corny, my temperament is about the same, and I still enjoy the same things I did before.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest esoterickayos]

Your post made me smile Carolyn. I've told him that as long as his personality doesn't change dramatically that I would still love him. I know small changes are bound to happen with hormones. But if he can say, in five years, what you just did about corny jokes and things you like to do, then I think we'll be fine. I've been with men before so the thought of being intimate with his post surgery body (if that happens) doesn't bother me as much as it probably does others. I'm mostly worried about his personality changing.

He's started telling his family. His mother was very angry and not supportive. But when he came out as lesbian almost 20 years ago she threatened to kill herself, so I hope in time her mother comes around. I haven't told my family yet because I want to wait until he's ready for that, but I hope they'll be supportive as well.

I've heard from a lot of people on this site that the relationships that last are even stronger. I hope the same thing happens with us. I love him, I do! Thank you for your supportive words.

[Charlize]

Sara these are such pleasant questions (for the most part). When my wife went out with me to get my ears pierced almost 3 years ago our lives changed. It was extremely hard for both of us at that time. She was certain that society could not accept me and we would be shunned by friends and family. I'm glad to say that hasn't happened. We still haven't confronted some of her relatives as we rarely see the cousins in Mississippi etc.

It is affirming now that she has given me both makeup and jewelry. She is a bit dismayed that i'm more "girly" in my tastes than she is but mostly in jest. Time has given this issue what it needed to mellow into a non threatening part of our 43 year marriage.

You know your husbands style. Maybe you cold get him a tie? Unfortunately for you guys don't accessorize as much as women do.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest esoterickayos]

Ooooo Charlize he's never worn a tie! But I do like the idea of doing something affirming to or for him. I know he wants to get his ears pierced - with studs not hoops cause hoops are too feminine! So I'll make sure I go with him for that. He's been pretty good at trying to include me. So I'm thankful for that.

[Guest SKA66]

Your post made me smile Carolyn. I've told him that as long as his personality doesn't change dramatically that I would still love him. I know small changes are bound to happen with hormones. But if he can say, in five years, what you just did about corny jokes and things you like to do, then I think we'll be fine. I've been with men before so the thought of being intimate with his post surgery body (if that happens) doesn't bother me as much as it probably does others. I'm mostly worried about his personality changing.

He's started telling his family. His mother was very angry and not supportive. But when he came out as lesbian almost 20 years ago she threatened to kill herself, so I hope in time her mother comes around. I haven't told my family yet because I want to wait until he's ready for that, but I hope they'll be supportive as well.

I've heard from a lot of people on this site that the relationships that last are even stronger. I hope the same thing happens with us. I love him, I do! Thank you for your supportive words.

Your post made me smile Carolyn. I've told him that as long as his personality doesn't change dramatically that I would still love him. I know small changes are bound to happen with hormones. But if he can say, in five years, what you just did about corny jokes and things you like to do, then I think we'll be fine. I've been with men before so the thought of being intimate with his post surgery body (if that happens) doesn't bother me as much as it probably does others. I'm mostly worried about his personality changing.

He's started telling his family. His mother was very angry and not supportive. But when he came out as lesbian almost 20 years ago she threatened to kill herself, so I hope in time her mother comes around. I haven't told my family yet because I want to wait until he's ready for that, but I hope they'll be supportive as well.

I've heard from a lot of people on this site that the relationships that last are even stronger. I hope the same thing happens with us. I love him, I do! Thank you for your supportive words.

I love this post. One because my wife has told me (finally, after a few years of saying she would divorce me I transitioned) she will support me but she doesn't know if she can stay with me. She too has been with men and has told me she doesn't want a man. Your SO came out as a lesbian about the same length of time I did, I came out in '96. My mother accepted it far easier than my dad.

I can see your struggle with the pronouns in this very post as you switch from him to her back to him. But the fact that you are trying means so much. It means a lot as an outsider so I can only imagine what it means to Adrian.

I think it's awesome you are choosing to continue to love and support him thru this. I hope you guys just get stronger along the way, like Carolyn and her SO have!