Came Close to Drinking Again

[JenniferB]

I thought I had defeated alcoholism. I hadn't thought about drinking since close to when I started going to AA. Also I am active in my church so I assumed that would take the place of AA. Well...this week hit me like a ton of bricks. My desire to drink after work came back, and on Friday I was close to the obsession to drink before I stopped drinking. It's like the guard wall was down. I knew it wasn't going to be long until I was going to drink.

Two things made me take action. One is I accepted that I was an alcoholic and knew what would happen if I took that first drink. I would return quickly to the point I was at before AA. And the other was I knew I would be worse off than the first time I quit, for the guilt of losing the time of sobriety, and having to start over, would bring me down to a depression where coming back to AA would be unbearable. I would be worse off and could die from self disappointment. So I called my sponsor and told her how I felt. She knew I would eventually get to this point and was concerned about me. She said I had to get to a meeting right away and helped me find one close by, and made me promise her I would go. So I did find one close by, a meeting I hadn't been to before. My concern was I have attended many meetings in the area and none of them made me feel I belonged. This one was different. It was small, 11 of us, but I felt very comfortable there. They were very welcoming and it was the best meeting I've attended, close to home, since I moved to Phoenix. We read a story in the Big Book about a hobo who reached the point of surrendering. It jogged my memory and was exactly what I needed to hear. I came out of the meeting feeling much better and the guard wall returned. This meeting is held once a week on Friday nights, exactly when I need a meeting most. Over half the people asked me to come back. I feel I belonged there and will be a meeting I will attend regularly. I finally found a feasible AA meeting I can call home. I needed this desperately.

Cunning! Baffling! Powerful! I learned something. AA must be a part of my life for as long as I live. I don't have the freedom to live without it. Alcoholism is too powerful and it patiently waits for the opportunity to strike again, and I now realize it never goes away. I was lucky this time and took the initiative to get back to AA, even though I didn't want to go. I would probably have a beer in my hand right now if I hadn't gone.

Jenny

[Guest]

A blessing in disguise, Jenny.

Sounds like you found your new home group.

I am happy to hear that the drink was "only" close.

Huggs,

Joann

[Charlize]

Jennifer i'm so glad that you picked the phone and not the drink. We are all subject to that possibility. How many have i met now who felt safe and then lost everything before coming back and those were the lucky ones. It might be me at any point.

Cunning, baffling and powerful is certainly correct.

Hugs,

Charlize

[JJ]

Jenny I am so proud and happy for you that you made the right choice. I have not battled that demon myself but my life has been deeply affected by those who have and did not find what you have -or could not surrender to it. Good people who ultimately left nothing pain and loss and ruin in their wake. Creator bless those who help others avoid that and have good lives.

My daughter who does not drink attended a group with her S/O at his insistence and though he is dead they still call and make sure she is doing well and urge her to come to the group sometimes just to visit. I have been so impressed with the commitment to caring and unconditional acceptance. If only the world could follow their example.

Hugs for a wise decision

Johnny

[Carolyn Marie]

Jenny, I'm so glad you found the will to hold off, the knowledge that you needed outside help, and the desire to find another group. It takes so much courage and determination to stay sober. You have both in great amounts. My bonnet is off to you, girl.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Alexx21]

i know how you feel i never got use to the AA groups mainly because there where too many people for me to handle but av found away to talk to others in AA

http://www.aaonline.net/

there are men and women there that can help you online i started to use it again i have found it helpful

there are online meetings and chat before and after

you can join as a guest and you can remain anonymous

i hope its ok to post this link

[Michelle 2010]

An important lesson for sure. Happy for you. I've known a number of folks with double digit years who went out because they placed church, career or relationships ahead of Recovery. The "daily reprieve contingent on the maintenence of our spiritual condition" requires things of us not found in church or elsewhere. It's a very good life but it is best traveled in the company of fellow recovering addicts or alcoholics, at least on a regular basis... Glad it worked you right into a new comfortable group!

[Guest Jamie61]

Proud of you Jennifer, for taking care of you! We have to love and invest in ourselves which you have done so well here! I have experience with ALATeen. And I've seen first hand the battles that play out, and how impossible it is to go it alone. You won a big battle.

Love,

Jamie

[Guest cerise]

Glad you didn't pick up.

There's stories in the big book about church goers who can't stay sober.

I go to church as it is another support group plus I get something there that's a little different in message.

Big But here! But I go to meetings too whether its Alanon, AA, or OA it's all good.

It's all about giving up your will. However ....

There is a lot of things in the big book that can be taken wrong and one is thinking self will is bad.

It's self will run riot if yee wants to get specific.

All that being said I am a step one kind a gal and it sounds like you get step one.

Cerise