A costly mistake, and an apology

[Guest Kayla Grace]

Hi all,

Some of you know that I lost my job over a week ago, but don't know why. I've come to terms with it, wallowed, cried, screamed in frustration, and learned from it. I want to tell someone about it now, and I can't think of a better group of people then all of you.

I made a choice that was entirely my own lack of thought processing to drink on the job while under antidepressants. I'd like to say I lost my job because of my antidepressants, but I didn't. I hadn't slept for days before (the anti's inhibit sleep for about a week - a side effect the ones I take have) and wasn't thinking straight. I remember it whapping me in the face and I could barely stand straight let alone do my job properly. I was hauled into my bosses office and babysat while my boss was on his way. The longest half hour of my life.

Even the glass of wine sitting beside me now as a celebatory for getting over all of this crap heap (and due to my being in serious pain from Moom For Men - I thought it wasn't supposed to hurt?) that I inflicted upon myself has taught me that alcohol is a poison. While I do enjoy a good challenge and something that opens my mind to new ideas, I scoff and execrate myself for making that stupid, stupid judgement error. It will not happen again. Maybe it controlled me before, but it has shown me that it is not to be trusted, and it will stab you in the back at first chance it gets. You control me no more!

So I owe all of you an apology. To name a few, Charlize and Vicky, because I know this will not be pleasant for you to read. But I don't deny that I have let each and every one of my family at Laura's Playground down. And for that, you all have my deepest, and sincerest apologies.

I have nothing else to say besides learn from your mistakes. I don't condone what I did, but I'd still be in that job if I didn't, and I believe I've found a better one that better caters to my needs, so ... it's not a total loss. I'm a firm believer that when one door closes, another opens.

There's some chastising due to me and I accept it. Your turn to be blunt with me. You may begin when ready.

God Bless

Natalya <3

[Guest Mia J]

Natalya, We are all human. Actually the biggest person you let down was yourself. The most important thing is to learn from your actions and grow. I don't know what demons you faced to get to that point. I only know the ones I faced and what it finally took to make me change and stop. It is hard and it takes time but we all love you and support you.

Love and strength to you.

Mia

[Charlize]

No apologies are necessary. Those of us who are addicts have a disease and nothing short of a power greater than ourselves can help us. At the end of my drinking career alcohol was my higher power. It was my spiritual solution to all my problems. For a short while it seemed to even work.

I just came back from a GLBT meeting where the topic was honesty.The shares were beautiful. Tomorrow i have a trans Skype meeting. Sunday we meet here at chat. At this point my sobriety is so important to me that i make 5 meetings a week. Perhaps today i'm still tender from transition but i find sharing and being with both straight cis and gay cis folks as well as trans people show me how much i still have to learn. If i stopped and felt i was safe then i might well slip as well.

Please don't beat yourself up. Dust off stand up and do something about a problem you know you have. If your like me your powerless over using and need help. Keep reaching out. While it isn't necessary to go out to find we have a true problem it does help us to understand how cunning, baffling and powerful addiction to any substance can be.

Thanks for sharing. Your going out reminds me of how easy it is to slip. I'm blessed to have this day sober and you can join in that blessing.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I didn't add in that I let myself down, Mia? *reads* oh, I guess not. I did let myself down as well. and my posting it here was my way of telling my story of how I made a mistake. That's what it was, a mistake. And in spite of we all make them, it was a mistake that I'm sensitive to. I come from a long line of alcoholics. A gathering I had in Thunder Bay I met a ton of alcoholics that were only fine to be around because there wasn't enough alcohol for them to "get drunk" on. They had to settle for the standard 5-6% beer, and I seen "Uncle Andy" polish off at least 12 of them in an hour.

That was another thing I wanted to let everyone know, Charlize. Like Mia said, we're all human and we make mistakes. I did beat myself up over it in the beginning not physically but mentally. I sat in my bed and didn't move for a day or two. I decided to post it here to hopefully let others know that they aren't alone, and because I wanted to be over it before I shared it. I havent told anyone in my family outside of my SO and the playground because they'd immediately think I was going down the alcoholic road.

I truly learned from this experience. I'm happy that I learned, I just didn't like what it cost me to learn.

God Bless

Natalya <3

[Michelle 2010]

The AA "manual" distinguishes between heavy drinkers and alcoholics. A heavy drinker can make a huge mistake, realize that alcohol is a problem, stop drinking, and everything is better... They leave booze alone because it is a problem for them. An alcoholic on the other hand, stops drinking and life gets edgy and irritating. Their problem isn't alcohol, it's alcoholism. Alcohol fixes the problem when we are young, it is the solution to alcoholism in the beginning. If at 23 or 24 years old you can stop drinking and all is good, God bless you.. If you are an alcoholic, you will almost certainly drink again because you will become Restless, Irratible, And Discontent with events or people or yourself. Then you will drink to relieve the pressure, again achieving a sense of Comfort and Ease.... this is the nature of Alcoholism described by a Dr Silkworth who wrote a medical opinion for the AA book. Countless alcoholics believe it to be true based on their personal experience. Hopefully you simply made a mistake. But if you experience the feelings described above, Charlize and Vicky have much they can share with people coming to grips with the extent of their problem..

Best wishes

Michelle

[tracy_j]

Just to learn from experience and carry on!

The ball is in your court Natalya - you messed up and you realise - and you can and will - just think logically - no extremes - pick yourself up and carry on with life!

Give us the good news as it comes

I will look forward to that!

Tracy

[VickySGV]

I saw my name mentioned above, so somewhere I have done something, maybe, sorta, kinda right. A "Reading From Part Of Chapter 3" which I do about twice a month at one meeting or another has the line "For we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling and powerful!" NO KIDDING!! You have not disappointed me because I know what old "Al" can pull off. Sounds like you did not appreciate how powerful he was there and made some mistakes which Alcoholics have been known to do. I am sorry it was bad enough to cost you the job, but it may be a hidden blessing to give you time to adjust to your other meds. I used booze to slow the world down as well.

I am here if you need me!!