What the heck am I doing

[Guest alexaz]

Hi everyone

My name is alexa and I've been on chat for a few weeks. Love it and have some real friends now.

​I will try to convey my issues here in hopes that someone will understand and help me with it.

Other than having a therapist (2nd session ) and knowing that Im a woman (since I was 2 or 3 ) I am pre everything.

I still have short times that I say to myself "What the heck am I doing " or " Im not going to do this"

But I know that I need to and will.

I am much older than most of you here and have all of my life either tried to ignore the feelings that I was born in the wrong body ( the feeling was always there ) or been a woman if only in my own mind.

​Most of my life was ( "a day late and a dollar short ") I believe, because I wasn't the person/woman that I should have been.

My question to you is....Have any of you had these feelings/thoughts, and if so what have you learned from them and done about them ?

​Any input would be appreciated.

thank you and be safe

alexa

[tracy_j]

Hi Alexa

Hello and welcome

The things that you say will echo well with many here.

Initially I would suggest that you first read the terms and conditions (bottom right hand corner of the screen) as adherence to these greatly help to ensure the high standards of the site, then spend some time looking around and reading relevant posts as there have been many others with similar experiences / backgrounds - you are not alone!

Please feel free to post questions and replies, and ask questions as you wish. People with similar experiences will be happy to reply.

It's nice to meet you

Tracy x

[Charlize]

Welcome to this side of Laura's. We may be a bit slower but also have a bit of time to think and fortunately spell checker improves my writing. I don't know that you are older than many of us here. This tends to be a slightly older crowd than chat. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Mine was extremely helpful in many ways that i might not ever understand fully. Just opening to another face to face was so important to me.

I have had many doubts along this road. they can still pop up but seem to fade faster as time goes on. I don't think my gender issues were a big factor in my career. I would have had to fight so much prejudice as a woman in construction. Being a "macho" man was perhaps better in that situation.

I know now in retirement as i farm that since i am the one with the product others want i do not have a trouble with being female.

Take a moment to read the terms and conditions found at the bottom of any page and enjoy.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the forums, Alexa. I think you'll find that there are a great many more calendar-challenged folks here than there are in Chat. I didn't begin my transition until I was 55.

When i expressed my doubts and fears to my therapist, she said she was relieved, because it showed that I was really thinking about this, and not taking it lightly. She said that doubts and fears are entirely normal and expected, and she worries about clients who had no doubts and no fears as being naive and unrealistic in their expectations. So you have good company in how you feel about this.

It took several months of therapy to come to the conclusion that i was not only doing the right thing by transitioning, but that I had little real choice in the matter. Not doing anything would have driven me into depression, anxiety and despair. Whether you feel the same I can't say, but if you continue with your therapy, you will (hopefully) arrive at a point where the decision, whatever it may be, is clear and unequivocal.

Not everyone who feels dysphoria or believes themselves to be female (or male, in the case of FtM's) finds it necessary to fully transition. I know of folks who went on HRT and had surgery who never did the social transition. On the flip side, I know of folks who socially transitioned and lived life as their true gender, without any medical intervention or assistance. And I know folks who did some, but not all, of the above. It is not an all or nothing proposition. Only you, with the help of your therapist, will know what is right for you.

Please explore the forums and post questions and comments wherever you like. We'll do our very best to answer them honestly.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Alexa,

I fought off my gender dysphoria (a term I learned last year) for 55 years. I had a super macho persona for most of my life, but it got harder, and harder to keep up. I worked so hard at it, that I almost became a statistic last year, but managed to survive, and start transition. Yeah, I had big, big doubts. I went full time as a woman a couple of months ago, and I don't doubt my decision now (most of the time). Sometimes I go into a light trance just to remember all the times when I felt like I should be a girl, and all the times even at a very early age asking gender questions of my mother, and sisters. This seems to calm any lingering doubts that I currently still have. I lived a life many guys would envie, yet took only a little pleasure in it since I never felt comfortable living as a guy. I do feel quite comfortable liviing as a woman, and that makes some other things bearable (I am in some financial difficulties at this time).

Yep, despite my misgivings, and starting at such a not quite youthful age, I am very pleased to have chosen life as a woman. For reference, I have only been on HRT for a bit over seven months, and I only "came out" at work around two months ago. I hope my perspective is helpful.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest noeleena]

Hi,

Born in the wrong body. what the heck am I doing ,Was not the person / woman I should have been ,

Age .

Okay ,I was born in the right body just the right size shape and fit.

What the heck am I doing ....living my life as I have from conception and done 67 years.

Was not the person ..... woman I should have been ...I am the person im meant to be and have grown into the woman I am ,

I was born different and very pleased in the way my life was and has been and is going .and with out my >>>past <<< iould not have been able to get where I am now .

Different ....OH ....YES.....very much so , okay the down sides , were they maybe......... depends on how others saw me and see me now and that goes back over 57 years .the first 10 were a mind blank...... kaput......

I was a happy kid and was known as the smiling kid yes even though it was in an abusive family the male side for fear of our lives Mom and I we had to flee.

I was perceived as a boy / male ..wrongly, born male / female still not an issue and just as well in many ways as I found out in life,

None of my life has been waisted in fact it was a blessing in many ways and helped me to get here where I am now did I change as far as being a woman well first off im female not in every way no womb and organs so was not able to have my child missed out on that , other wise I have changed as iv grown into being a woman yes I had to grow to become a normal woman ,

This started over 21 years ago , as my body went in to changes it was very hard for both of us Jos and I and our 3 kids we went through ...HELL....for 8 years . Jos did accept I was a female and we stayed together for 14 more years together after we talked about every thing , Jos now is marred to a lovely chap and they are happy we still see each other and that's great ,

I had corrective surgeys and as far as it goes im just a normal female like any other ,

Am I like what I was before , this concerns my Psychological Mental and Emotions and how I thought yes and no , the best way to explain is im hard wired as a normal female no changes there , how I express my self oh yes because I was shut down I could not express myself as a person let alone male or female though if you look at it I it was very little yet both to gether if any ,

As iv grown my whole being is open and others see it in my expression how I interact with others and my whole demeaner and my out going personality others have taken note and watched me and some had wondered was I a male and taking on the personer of a woman , they later come to me and said your not a male are you they knew I was female so did I put on a good act as I interacted with people , , they very quickly would have sussed me out had I, so no im just who I am and well accepted as a normal female . woman .

I knew what and who I was at age 10 never a 2 nd quess ever . I also knew I would live as a normal woman and that has taken place over the 21 years remember I had to grow up and become a woman we are not born women though the detail is there for us from birth ,

If you were able to meet me youd see, .....some one with masculine facial features body of a female and manirisms and how I interact with you so I give out mixed messages of both male and female well just part of my being though youd soon over look how I look and see a woman

Im very well accepted in our community of Waimate pop of under 3500 people and other Towns and well known and a member of our groups ,

some times we need to change our thinking....

and look beyond......

what...... we think we see,

What we see.....

is not how others see us,.........

...noeleena...