3 years ago, A journey

[Charlize]

I first posted about this experience two years ago but hope that perhaps my experience of acceptance can help others so i am reposting with several changes (hopefully making for a better read). Many of us face the fear of acceptance in our steps toward sobriety. My experience has shown me the the third tradition of AA can and mostly does work if we allow ourselves the chance.

Three years ago i sat in front of my AA home group as a speaker. The month before i had lead the meeting as Chuck and had sat up front facing the room as him. Here i was as her( at the time called Charlie) and i was scared to death that the people i had grown to trust and rely on would turn their backs on me. Some of the members of a GLBT group where i would go as female attended to support me and it helped to see their faces in the crowd. I was scared. Some folks had only known her but most only knew him. I had lived a lifetime of hiding in a closet as so many of us do. Drunkenness was one relief for me and for some time it worked until the addiction took over my entire life. Getting sober i spent 3 years hiding again and gave up any exploration of my gender issues. The only time she appeared was going through the steps of AA when i told my sponsor about what i considered my biggest character defect. He barely noticed the significance of my statement and it passed in a moment. It was a step for me however. I began to work past the feeling that I was a character defect and look at my feelings and the reality of who i am.

Certainly there was perhaps more acceptance in the rooms. Heck we accept anyone . No person is condemned to death by alcohol if they ask for help from the fellowship. Being able to see others with problems was indeed helpful in letting go of my own fear and self loathing. The loathing i mentioned was perhaps even worse than anything else. I had to somehow find peace with myself. That did not happen with drink. It did happen with time working the steps of AA. Even though my sponsor didn't understand, he allowed me begin to be honest with myself. That alone was a miracle. The rooms gave me the space and helped me spread the wings that were growing out of my caterpillar self. I stopped crawling as a worm, ashamed of self, and feeling stronger as myself broke out and flew.

So here i was with my home group, still filled with fear. They had seen me crawl into the room 5 years before as a hopeless drunk close to death. Over the years of sobriety i slowly found a way to be honest about myself. I went to a woman's meeting, gay meetings and tried to hide in some straight meetings out of town as myself. My home group was the final step. The fear of rejection by the people to whom i owed my sobriety almost overwhelmed me. I gave it up to a power greater than myself and sat down at the desk facing the room as the nights speaker.

At first only a few people recognized me. I was given a gift of speaking what i needed to say and what i hoped might help others. I was honest and vulnerable as i had never been. I was greeted with tears and hugs not rejection. I found yet another reason to be a grateful alcoholic and realized that a power greater than myself had given me strength. Shortly afterwards i came to Laura’s playground and found others who shared my feelings about gender. I started to see a gender therapist. A few months later i went full time.

I owe not only my life to the rooms of AA but i owe the realization of a power and acceptance that has allowed me to grow. No longer a drunk killing myself but instead a person working towards self acceptance and spiritual progress.

Sharing those things that have hurt us is one of the things we do in AA to help ourselves and others. When i shared my deepest secret with a room full of people including strangers i took the first step in accepting that my Higher power could carry me through anything that came of it. I began to accept myself. That was simply a miracle. Scars of the past were healed and i glimpsed a freedom i never thought possible.

Hugs,

Charlize, an alcoholic

[gennee]

Thank you for sharing, Charlize. This has helped someone, I'm sure. Just when you think you can't, the spirit takes over. Congratulations on accepting yourself because how you feel about yourself is essential to healing.

[Guest Emily_E]

Charlize,

Thank you so much for this!!

A few years ago, I recognized I was Trans, but didn't do much about it -- married, kids, 40+ years of life as a straight cis male, that kind of radical change seemed impossible. At first I believed the self-awareness would make the difference. All tha awkwardness, just not getting the whole guy thing, now I thought I understood where that was coming from. That, umm, didn't work for long. Things got worse, rapidly. I felt MORE isolated, lonely and trapped than ever before. I need to be Emily. Maybe just sometime, maybe all the time, but not just playing dress up.

Eleven months ago, my life fell apart (again!) and I finally came into AA. In groups in my area, reading "How It Works" is a part of almost every meeting. So every meeting I heard about the need for ruthless honesty. I was in trouble. I contacted a gender therapist. But I couldn't find a sponsor...how can I be completely open and honest with someone and keep this huge part of myself hidden?? I stalled out, stopped going to meetings or therapy -- I was stuck, and lurching from crisis to crisis.

I'm trying to un-isolate myself, so hearing positive stories about acceptance of transition in AA is hugely important. Thank you for the ray of sunshine!!

[Charlize]

Emily i'm glad you found my experience helpful. I was able to tell my first sponsor about cross dressing but at the time i didn't really know or rather couldn't admit to being trans*. I'm not sure it had ever seemed at all possible to transition. Years of sobriety and trying to make spiritual progress helped me find myself and some peace with myself. The promises that you often hear at meetings as well are coming true over time.

Join us if you can for our meeting on Sunday at 9:00 eastern at chat in the substance room. There are also meetings on Skype with trans* alcoholics from around the world. You are not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Michelle 2010]

Hi Emily, I hope you are doing ok today. Your story is a common one I think. My journey is similar to Charlize's. I too started attending lgbt meetings, started attending the progressive church which housed the meeting, ultimately going to women's meetings and traditional meetings out of town. Today my journey has taken me to living a "gender nonconforming" life, married to a wonderful new wife and my story is known by all I love and respect in aa. By getting real, the fear of what others think was removed over time. It really is like the caterpillar emerging from the cocoon. We must struggle through the process in order to have wings strong enough to fly. My first sponsor died, my second was a gay man, and my third is a woman. She will remain my sponsor. A word of caution about lgbt meetings. My experience was that gay men are as binary as straight men and will accept us be not understand us. They know we are coming out and what that means but there was no true understanding. Women understand and accept far more easily. When you are strong that won't be an issue but it's good to know going into the process IMHO....

Charlize, thanks for carrying the message. Maybe we can skype sometime. My life is so full with church, aa, sponsoring and the local arts and culture scene it is hard to get back here. I sponsor five people and am preparing to rework the steps with two of them. As you know, the "new normal "can be amazing. You are an inspiration to all.... Thank you for being who you are and doing what you do

[Guest]

Thank you for sharing your story, Charlize.

Huggs,

Joann, a recovering alcoholic.

[Guest]

I'm an alcoholic, my problem is JodyAnn:

I love my phone app Twelve Steps The Companion. It is a Big Book and 12&12 all in one. I use it almost daily. I usually only get free apps but this one was the best just under two bucks I could have spent. Today I have 3.26 years, 39.16 months, 1192 days, or 28585 hours of sobriety. Take your pick.

I started in HRT in July of 2011 so I was still a drunk for six months. HRT was a life saver but I knew I couldn't enjoy it all boozed up. Drinking only added to my confusion and moodyness. The alcohol only masked my pain as I was hitting my gender wall and suffering in silence. Sorry John Barleycorn, you and he needs to go! I kicked them both out of my body and with more difficulty, my heart and head!

Old whazhisname found the AA program in 1992, stayed clean&sober for ten years and then went back out. Next he spent ten years going in and out of the program like a pinball. Well sorry Dude you didn't quite make it so buddy, move out of my spirit space. Girls only!

Since our separation I have found my own new sobriety, my half brother may still be around but this sobriety is mine all mine. So far with moving my family around I am on my third sponsor. All these women are very dear to my heart, each enriching my life.

I was still quite lost and alone as I needed help from people like me. I found ease and comfort when I found Laura's Playground, I feel at home here since August of 2012. It's been a long sober journey yet feels like a minute sometimes.

So wanted to take a minute to express my gratitude for all of you. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing your story with us Jody. Learning to be honest and accepting of myself has helped to keep me sober as well.

He is still here(and sober) but when i let go and let a HP help me accept her the biggest difference was made in me.

We can only get through this together. Glad your here to help.

Hugs,

Charlize