Another Day Another Thought On Being TG

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi,

It’s probably no surprise to some of the people that have been in transition for a long time, that the more time you spend online or living as yourself, the quicker/stronger the feelings are to do just that. And at first, these feelings are really scary. Still are for me.

Once I found out just what had been at my core all these years, the quicker the acceleration was to be that person as much as possible. As frightened as I am about going in public as myself, now I find I don’t want to participate in anything outside my home that means I can’t be me. This is causing, yet again, another huge set of problems for me. Firstly, I now spend pretty much all of my time indoors, by myself. Secondly, I am missing a number of things life does have to offer that I can’t go back and replace. Finally, it is affecting my time with family in a big way as now I even am reducing that time because of my ever increasing desire to be myself and if not, simply to excuse myself.

So to the first point, I am alone pretty much all the time. For me, this is not as big a problem as it might be for others because generally, I don’t mind my own company. I wonder though, it this is just not something that I have gotten used to over the years. It affects my ability to communicate with others, I’m sure. At work, as long as the topic is work related, I do OK. When a group of people, especially males, start talking about things outside of work, I’m lost and generally don’t participate. Even here, on LP, I feel so strange trying to speak to those that pm me, and I am dismally bad in the chat rooms. I feel the need to speak out though, so I am using posts like this ever so often.

I am finding that I am not doing things that have some relevance for me. I don’t really go to events or try to do things like simple workouts at a gym, if I can’t go as me. A couple of weeks ago, a young boy in my class asked if I would please go and watch him play hockey. I used to go watch the kids I teach do all kinds of things, from sports to music festivals, outside of school time. But two weeks ago, even though I went, (how can you not?) I resented it somehow and just wanted to get home. Last year, I did not go and listen to any kids in the music festival.

I feel so guilty about wanting to cut short the time I spend with family. And when I’m with them, my mind is always recycling the same thoughts, that of course being how they will react when they find out. It takes me weeks to try to get my frame of mind to the point where I can quit focusing on me, and just enjoy the experiences we’re having together. I should tell you that I do live by myself for the most part and only visit family on holidays and summer breaks.

Things were different before. I knew I was somehow very different. I figured most people must have secrets, and of course I assumed I was somehow possessed by some freakish perverted thoughts. No one, I ever heard of, spent so much time wishing and dreaming ‘he’ was a female. But, I did manage to go places and get some stuff done. I played the guitar so much more, went biking, had a family, etc, etc.

Now, I know so much more about ‘me’. Now that’s all I can think of. My self-confidence, never great, has taken some major hits over the last couple of years and I have retreated into myself even more.

So, is this the result of finding yourself? Well, to be more precise, in finding the true definition by societies standards and by finding out that there is something I can do about it? I think that is what really puts a wrench into things. Before, I just was trying to get out of this world alive. Struggling and doing my best. Now, I have an option and more understanding. I’m not 100% sure it’s a good thing to have that knowledge now. This is all the result of discovering that dreaded word ‘transgender’.

I realize that in time, I will develop ways, or make choices, that will hopefully allow me to move forward. I do see some online that don’t seem to be doing that though.

I may be all wrong about things and maybe it’s just my personality that is confining me. I guess I’ll find out at some point.

Faith

[tracy_j]

Hi Faith

I can relate to much of what you have written. I can understand the lonliness and chat rooms are a no no to me as well. I can talk to males at work but I have less interest a lot of the time. I find women's talk more interesting even if it is often more superficial.

I am somewhat in a constant state of flux though as I am neither one yet the other but both. As such I do have a life as male (my old one) which I don't reject but it is not totally what I want either.

I have another life as female. In this I am usually very much alone and need to gain friends. I do meet people but these experiences are somewhat fleeting. I am happy in this role but it feels far from complete.

Ideally I would like to combine both lives. That will work to some extent but I fear that it may blow up into a total disaster. Without a gradual change (which I have followed at home) I can see many old friends and more distant family having difficulty coping.

Recently I went to a party (fancy dress) in which I dressed very feminine (skinny jeans and womens shirt though so not really girly but it was noticed) and saw afterward photos of me posted online with other party photos so some old friends have seen me and as yet I have no bad comments, only good. Maybe I can steadily introduce things like that?

It is my intention to combine both but it is the fear which makes me hesitate and consider carefully the options.

Tracy

[Guest Carla_Davis]

Hi Faith,

I am sorry that you are feeling the way you do.

Being transgender can often lead to social isolation and depression.

My suggestion is to locate a Local Transgender Support Group where you can be with other transgender women.

You can discuss how you feel with the other women in the group, and get some advice from them what helped them.

They also often have events where you can attend as your “True Self”.

I have been Pre-Op since 2006, and Support Groups literally save my life from suicide.

IMO, this is NOT healthy for you “I am finding that I am not doing things that have some relevance for me”

You need to find things to help you increase your Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence.

I would also recommend that you look into some therapy to help with your transition.

I am sorry that you dread the word “Transgender”.

Hopefully, his link can help cheer you up.
Reasons To Cherish Being Transsexual

http://transsexual.org/cherish.html

Hoping you feel Happier soon.

I wish you Success and Happiness with your Transition .

Hugs,

Carla

[Guest Tamar]

Wherever your journey leads you Faith,always remember you have friends here. ((Hugs))

[Drea]

What you describe sounds much like one aspect of depression. Things you enjoyed in the past you see as a chore, etc.

That doesn't mean that it is unrelated to the trans issues.

It is very common when folks start to deal with their trans issues, to find a site like this for the first time, to feel some really strong emotions.

While I some speak of transition as the only option and I often point out the contrary that depending on circumstances, depending on intensity of dysphoria there are other options.

In any case hower, when one starts to deal with their issues there is a bit of a opening up of pandoras box. Suddenly what you were handling in some fashion consumes your life out of proportion.

Till one sorts out their path things tend to be unsettled.

It is particularly difficult maintaining contact with the community if one is trying not to transition because there isn't a great deal of support for that.

This is a period where one sees and even talks with people transitioning. Often hears how great and a relief it is. This adds even more pressures. What are you missing out on? Are you sabotaging yourself?

I feel some therapy during this period can be very useful. My apologies Faith if I don't recall if you are seeing a therapist, my memory is terrible.

The big rub for folks who are married and hope to not transition because loss would outweigh the gains is that most of the non-transition options aren't available without getting one's spouse involved. Other than therapy, and some things like underdressing and dressing away from one's spouse, there aren't many more serious options. Even then these items could be a problem.

Part time cross living, or going on hormones and not transition are things that one really has to beak with spouse on. Unless one's spouse knows and is accepting those possibilities they aren't options.

I know this is not really an answer Faith. I do think I have outlined some of the boundaries and dynamics in the situation you find yourself in.

[Drea]

I should add that telling one's spouse is another Pandora's box.

[Charlize]

Faith i can certainly relate to your post. When i first found Laura's i was spending as much time as myself as i could in the outside world simply to be able to get out of a rut of isolation. Seeing that there were others here who were free to live 24/7 as themselves was inspirational but brought up so many problems as well. I also lost interest in people , places and things that kept me from being myself. Family suffered as did my work.

perhaps it was the fact that i became almost possessed that pushed me to finally go full time. None of it was easy but at this point i am again involved with my world and have found some peace in transition.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Faith gibson]

Yes Charlize, thank you, that is really the essence of what I was trying to say. I just got to rambling too much there and confused the issue somewhat. I just wanted to say that as things are progressing(?) for me, I don't care to do anything or be anywhere that doesn't involve me being totally me. I don't want to pretend to be that other person. Things have changed with the knowledge I have gained. Sorry that I went on so much.

I'm really not all that sad over the last couple of weeks anyways. I know I have had my moments, but lately things are a little better. Mainly because of things people here have said to encourage me lately.

Just after posting this thread though, I decided to go for a walk to the post office. I ended up running into a coworker and had a very unsettling night. I felt like my world might end to be exact. Over the last two days, he has said nothing about it. He is the teacher that I went with, and his class, to the sexual diversity and gender identity presentation last year. Maybe he is really being sensitive and is allowing me to be me. Maybe he didn't recognize me. At this point I'm not sure. He looked right at me and had a questioning look on his face.

And my comment about the dreaded transgender word, I'm sorry but I can't see how anyone is thrilled to be transgender. Life would be so much simpler without.

Thank you all for your caring words

Faith