First Time Being Seen

[Guest Faith gibson]

Hi,

The last post I entered here, I was basically saying that I do not care to do many things anymore if I am not able to do them as me. Right after I posted that thread, I went for a walk to the town's post office. I forgot my box key so I went back to get it and then got nervous and decided to drive instead. Well, I didn't get a full block from the house before someone I work with and who knows my car really well, saw me. I was very upset. I went through some very scary emotions for the next 16 hours or so. The next morning at work, this fellow decided to not say anything about it. (I'm pretty sure he is suspecting something.)

He is the only other teacher in our school that agreed to take his class to the sexual deversity and gender identity presentation we had just over a year ago so maybe he is deciding to be cool about it all. Three days have passed now and zip.

It was very trumatic for me but now that it's sort of over, I kind of feel funny about the whole thing. Not exactly good, but not as afraid anymore. Like maybe it's not the end of the world if I'm seen. Of course, that might also be total folly.

It may sound silly in saying this, but I'm kind of feeling that I don't care so much about what others think anymore. Well, maybe I care less. I'm not coming out just yet.

Then again, it's possible that he didn't recognize my car because he saw a girl driving it and didn't put it together. Either way, something changed in my thinking as a result of that experience.

Lately it seems lke something is changing in my thinking all the time. Can anyone relate to what I'm trying to say?

Faith

[VickySGV]

Faith, I was right there with you 7 years ago. I found out though that we are not the elephant in the room or the bull in the china shop that we see ourselves as. Believe me I was there. I would actually circle my block until I was sure none of my neighbors were outside doing yard work, or seeing house guests off, no matter how late at night it was. I doubt your colleague saw your car at all though as I have learned. When I did come out to my next door neighbors whom I WAS SURE had seen me and hated me, they told me with actual obvious surprise that they had not seen me, but would not have thought anything about it if they had. Today they all wave and smile as I wave and smile at them whenever I go outside. Oh the fear and depression at first though, I was such a damned freak then.

[Guest Mickey]

Girl, I know exactly what you're sayin'. When I was in the hospital in April, 2013, in the cardiac unit, I decided then and there that I truly didn't care what ANYBODY had to say, I WAS going to be happy being my TRUE self. Things have been pretty good since then. I've never been happier, my whole life.

So yeah, I understand the change in your mindset. Mine was sudden, rather extreme, and resulted in my being happy with who I am for the first time in my life. I wish you as much grace and acceptance as I've had.

[Guest Kaylee]

Hi Faith,

It's a funny thing, that each and every person believes that people know us, know our car, and are paying attention to us right at that moment when we really wish they weren't!

I've been told "I'd pass you on the street, and never know it was you". (after some recent photos.)

I worked with near 100 people at my last job. Though most of them would recognize my car as "my car" in the parking lot, I can't say that more than 7 would know it was me at any other location.

Most people simply arent that observant because they are more involved with whatever happens to be going on in their own life.

Other things I worried about in the past... "what if the neighbor is looking out his window right as I go outside? What if he comes out at the same time? Will he notice that these are heels, a skirt not shorts, pantyhose not bare skin?"

Busy + distance+ speed = un-noticed!

Just my take at this point ha ha.

Cheers!

Kay

[Guest alexaz]

Hi Faith

Giggle....Sorry just felt that come on.

I totally understand stealth and fear that someone will see me. So much so that I haven't gone out anywhere yet.

I did go to my therapist appointment, dipped into the bathroom and put my pretty top on and went to my session. After it I dipped into the BR again and changed back. cluck cluck.

tomorrow Im going to my 2nd LBGT womans meeting.

Im going with my makeup on and dressing there....cluck

Im working up enough courage to walk around the area for a bit after then change back and drive home...mini cluck.

​I really dont know whats going to happen but my mind thinks it does and it sounds scary

But as Kaylee said. Most people are so wrapped up in their own thing that they wouldnt see you if you stood in front of them..

​We quite often are our own worst enemy.

Good luck to us all and when we stop"clucking" I know we all will feel soooooo good and giggle at ourselfs.

Alexa

[Cyndee]

It may sound silly in saying this, but I'm kind of feeling that I don't care so much about what others think anymore. Well, maybe I care less. I'm not coming out just yet.

Not silly at all, compartmentalizing one's life can be so costly, so taxing, sounds like you are feeling this based on the comment above. It's one thing not to advertise yourself (hey it's your business), it's another to just live, to live for yourself and not others. Only you know that threshold, only you know how live your life Faith.

Worrying over what other's "might" think sure can be a path to unhappiness and doubts.

Like others elude to, most people are so busy with their own lives they hardly have time to notice others in much detail as we pass by each other in the world.

I do take notice that nobody is really noticing me. Maybe a passing glance, perhaps a smile or a perhaps simple greeting from a stranger I may pass when out walking for exercise.

We build up these encounters in our own minds largely. Does not mean we should close our eyes, situational awareness is a good thing.

good luck Faith with "real life"

Cynthia -