One month after coming out to the Wife, and the Media doesn't help one bit.

[Guest CD Laura Savatore34]

Ok,

About a month ago, I come out to the wife that I am a crossdresser. With a slight possibility, not certain, but feels right in my heart, I am transgender.

Wife...

will not tolerate it, will give it not a second thought, and basically call me out as being selfish, self centered, perverted and border line mental issues. Oh, and mention the D word, yes, Divorce.

Now the Media...

Bruce Gener, I think that's the spelling, makes a circus of what, I feel for some girls out there, is a self honest and TRUE life goal and decision.

And to make matters worst...Avvo, Avve, the commercial about the lawyers with the guy in the nighty and dominatrics woman....

Wow, only to be shown as she and I sit in silence in the living room, at a time when our conversations consist only of simple careless words like "See you later", "I'm leaving", "I need you to do this...", "You need to do that..." And referred to each other by only our names, no Honey, no Sweetie and no Baby.

And the show Catfish, decides to run a interesting episode on a transgender girl.

Is it a sign?

Is it like when you buy a Jeep, you tend to see more Jeeps on the road?

Or is it like a blind person telling you the scenery is beautiful?

(That I shouldnt give too much credit to unreliable sources?)

I will keep strong at it, Ladies!

[Sally]

I don't think that it's just the, "I just heard about something" syndrome because it does seem to be in the negative side of the news right now.

I think that the biggest problem for the entire community is that the extreme radical right wing is going after same sex marriage and where we use the bathroom with a vengeance.

None of this is helpful when it comes to trying to salvage a relationship.

It is difficult for spouses to understand, they don't have these feelings so how could they.

We like to think that love should be enough of a reason to stick it out together but there are an awful lot of negative images associated with our community and they are automatically transferred to the spouses who stay.

Along with totally not understanding what we are going through they also face the stigma of being considered to be gay or lesbian if they stay and also of encouraging this 'perverted' behavior that we are supposed to be doing.

Add in a good dose of the church for a lot of them and it takes an incredibly strong and caring person to try to learn about it and stay.

I wish I could paint a rosier picture but that is the tip of the iceberg of what she has to deal with, I don't have to tell you what you have to deal with.

Love ya,

Sally

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm sorry you both are going through this, Laura. Spouses really do struggle with this,and its hard for most to understand it. Our culture has never approved of cross dressing or gender change, and when you grow up hearing about how aberrant it is, with all the stereotypes, then when the day comes and you are face to face with it, all that learned negative stuff is dredged up and comes pouring out.

Sometimes, after a lot of talking, explaining, pleading, and more explaining, wives do come around. There are often conditions attached to them staying; don't do it when I'm around, don't go outside dressed, don't talk to me about it, etc. But sometimes, like Sally said, its just too much to bear.

A month isn't a terribly long time for your wife to come to terms with this. My wife and I struggled for the better part of a year, and it took going out with me a couple of times to see how well Carolyn was accepted, before she realized it wasn't so terrible. There is still hope for your relationship if you keep talking, give her the time she needs, be understanding and help her understand that her life doesn't have to turn upside down.

Unfortunately, there are as many negative things in the media these days as positive. It's pretty hard to escape. it's also true that, once you learn about this TG stuff, you are more sensitive to all the media hype that goes on. A double edged sword, for sure.

Hang in there, Laura. My heart goes out to you, and your wife.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[JJ]

There does seem to be an increase in coverage lately but when I had my epiphany I realized there had been information around me for a long time I had completely blocked out. In all probability it is a combination of being more aware and more coverage both.

This is a hard thing for people to understand and come to terms with. And when they seize the old myths and stereotypes about this being a choice we make instead of a physical condition dating from our development in utero then it is much harder. You are not only trying to deal with the realities but overcome those misconceptions at the same time. But one thing I have learned and seen here time and again that time does change things. Many marriages don't survive and some people just cannot open up to the truth of who we are no matter where e fall on the spectrum. And all at a time when we may also be under enormous internal pressure that is forcing us to face and address this in ourselves as well. It's hard. For everyone involved. But sometimes people do work through it and forge a new and usually better relationship.

Perhaps you will find a way to communicate again. To let her know this isn't something aimed at her or because she failed you in some way. Have you considered seeing a gender therapist? It is important that it be a therapist with real gender knowledge and experience because the field has changed enormously and a therapist outside the field may well hold some of the old ideas about this being a mental rather than a physical condition. But a good gender therapist can guide you in discovering where you fit on the spectrum and what you need to do to find peace. They can also help guide you in dealing with your relationships with those in your life and validate the realities of what you are feeling for them as well as you.

Meanwhile please feel free to vent here. Many have faced the similar challenges and if we can't always help in other ways we can always listen

Johnny

[Guest CD Laura Savatore34]

I feel I will have to apologize, sometimes the frustration in my marriage really makes me want to just quit trying to convince her this is who I am, and that I am really so happy and WE could be happy if she would see how open hearted I see everything now that she knows.

You are so right Carolyn, I should give it more time, sometimes I don't know, I let the comfort of this "secret" being out get me ahead of everything.

Carolyn,

In your experience, did it ever cross your mind, the desire to "run away"? Like drop everything and follow your hearts desire? No matter what ties or responsibilities you might have had? Especially during the difficult times; during the time your wife wasn't accepting.

Like I said before, I will be strong, I love her and will fight for us!

I just don't want my battle to end in sadness.

[Carolyn Marie]

No need to apologize for anything, hon. Venting is part of the service we provide. With a smile, of course.

No, I can't say that the thought of just giving up and leaving her in my dust ever occurred to me. There was always some glimmer of hope, and there was never any knock down, drag out fights. We aren't that kind of people. I had come to terms with the fact that I might have to leave, or she would, I was willing to face that possibility. But I would have had a terrible time leaving my son. Losing his love would have been far worse. Happily, none of that came to pass.

But there are issues that the families of trans folk face that CDers don't usually have to. CDing can be an entirely private thing. I know CDers who do fine with never dressing in front of their wives, and fine without ever going out in public. There is no name change to worry about, no workplace transition, no necessity for coming out to the whole extended family. Theoretically, it should be easier for a couple to stay together and work it out. But real life is usually more complicated than the theories, and sometimes spouses react in a very visceral way, not stopping to think whether compromise is possible. That is where the open communication really matters.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Crossderssers and FTM's are most often different in that we don't want to be women. Rather, we want feel what they feel and understand them at the deepest level possible.We want to be one with them even if they are the stronger. We don't to always be on top as a reward for handing over our paycheck. We want to know why? Were not taking some of their womanhood, were giving them some of our manhood. Why not some have taken everything else! (sic) True, not everyone can go to that place with a mate but, its worth the try. Also, if your in Richmond or other such places, there are places to go with or without wife.

[Charlize]

Laura i feel for you. I held back for years to save myself from hurting my wife and the pain that would cause both of us. i've been fortunate. It took time but with love and patience we have gotten through my transition.

Hopefully after the original anger you will be able to work things out and find a way to stay together.

As to leaving or breaking up.....i did go through times when i thought that might happen and at those points i thought about my future. I certainly could have ended up with a different life with both of us having to find a way to continue. Fortunately that didn't happen and today we are closer at least in part because i can finally be honest about myself.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Ellyssa]

Laura:

A bunch of issues here, very serious stuff and the board is providing great feedback.

I want to concentrate on one item: Bruce Jenner is a media sleeper. That's how he chooses to live his life and make his money and that's okay by me, not my life, not the way I would do it but if he's okay with it, I'm okay with it. I have watched a grand total of one episode of the Kardashians and was completely bored by it. He is apparently keeping some of it behind the scenes right now, the big reveal, the discussions with family and friends and is either handling it in a private (until his next show debuts) manner or keeping it behind the scenes and providing enough leaks to drum up ratings for his eventual show. I don't know which it is, probably some of both. This could make a separate discussion thread, moderator?

But anyway, my main point is that it is a Hollywood thing, but in contrast to the way he has lived his life otherwise, I think he is going to try to make this a much more deliberate and conscientious show (but then again, how could it not be more intelligent than the Kardashians?). And at this point for the CD/TG community, the old Hollywood axiom applies, "Any publicity is good publicity". Please don't flame me for this, I know I'm sticking my neck out, but I see this being the crack in the dam that takes us from CDs and TGs being presented in the media as freaks (Silence of the Lambs, anyone?) to at least 2D and eventually 3D characters, the same as the gay community is now presented and is gaining more broad social acceptance. I think we're in a position where any progress is good progress right now and I'm reserving judgement on Bruce Jenner (other than his media prostitution) until his new show debuts.

All I can say about him now is that he was an elite athlete, and he has the mental discipline that once he sets his mind to something, it is only a matter of time and training until he achieves it. I believe he has already resolved after a lifelong struggle that his transition will go forward and if he has can make the show, he will get it done. And I will watch and hope that it is better than the Kardashians, doesn't belittle the TG community, and presents a positive image which helps us move toward more general acceptance.

[Guest Ellyssa]

Laura:

Best of luck to you and your wife. I empathize with your struggles and admire your courage in coming out. Keep your head on straight and keep the long term goal of your ultimate happiness and truth to yourself in sight. I hope everything works out for the best and anytime you encounter an obstacle, I hope you reach out to the board for assistance, a sounding board, support, whatever.

Keep the dialogue alive with your wife, communication needs to continue, even if it is unrelated to the elephant in the room. Keeping the channels open will help her realize that you're still connected and might get her over this initial shock, hopefully to move past it and continue a relationship of some form. Things are going to be different, for sure. But communication is what will help work through it.

We're all pulling for you!

[gennee]

Laura, it took my wife some time to process all this. We kept communicating answer any questions she had. About three years ago, she stated publicly that she supports me 100%. That really made my day!

[Guest CD Laura Savatore34]

Thanks for all the help girls. The kind words and reminders to be patient are helping. It's still pretty tense when it comes to the topic. After some personal time of analysis; what hurts more is that the way she "was", the way I thought I knew her, she wouldn't said the things she said. I have not let it stop me and my happiness. I just pray that my ending, turns out similar to all of those here.