Passing With Depression

[Guest MrAwesome]

I've had depression for a long time now, and it went untreated a long time, and I got to the point that I'm suprised I'm still alive. And I guess a part of me really wanted someone to notice me, notice how much pain I was in, and lately I've been feeling kinda crappy and it's hard for me to act Confident, and obtrusive and strong when I'm depressed and anxious. Can you guys give me some advice on this? Me and my mum decided to move to a bigger town (about 1/2 an hour, or if my mom's driving literally 10-15 minutes away) And I'm going to be starting a new life there as "Lewis Raymond Smith", as a boy, and I don't know if I can but my mom's gonna call our lawyer tomorrow and see about having my name legally changed if I can since I'm a minor. Everyone gonna know me as a boy, no one except for my mom's friends and any employers I have will know I'm trans outside my family. anyway, I want to spend this next month or so before we find a place passing as best as I can to perfect it before I move. So ANY advice you can give would be nice

[Guest StrandedOutThere]

First off, congratulations on having a supportive parent. That's really something! It sounds like your mom is being very helpful.

I know how it is when you are hurting inside. You really do want someone to notice, anyone. It's like part of you is yelling out. It's frustrating when people don't see it. When I was in high school I used to think about hurting myself on the outside so people would have to notice. I'd think about how they'd feel sorry when they saw how I was suffering and they'd ignored it. Know what? This isn't a productive way of thinking. Share your pain with people who are close to you and accept their help. It sounds like you've at least talked to your mother. It also sounds like she understands and is trying to help you. This is a victory!

If anything it should be easier to change your name as a minor, so long as you have a parent's consent. People do it all the time, like when a kid gets adopted and takes the adopted parents' name. That's a name change. It's grown ups that have all the trouble with name changes. There's all kinds of silly stuff, especially if you have debt and own a house and have a bank account. It's maddening! Take heart! You should be able to have your name legally changed.

As far as acting confident when you are depressed and anxious, there is no easy advice there. I think a lot of us have been depressed and anxious at some point. I know I was. A lot of the time I just couldn't manage anything that resembled confidence. I just stayed to myself a lot and spent time online.

When I feel bad I sometimes just "decide" that I'm not going to give in. Even if I feel like staying in bed and telling the rest of the world to hit the road, I just don't do it. I make myself get up. I make myself wash my clothes and feed the dog. It's just sheer will that gets me by. The thing with depression is that sometimes you can keep it from taking hold if you just break the cycle. At least part of depression is a self-perpetuating cycle. You feel bad, so you stay home and are grumpy. Because you are grumpy, no one wants to hang with you. Then you are lonely. Then you feel even worse.

Sometimes you can put on a "non depressed" face and that makes you feel better. Sometimes you can't. It's really kind of a personal thing.

If I were you I'd probably focus on gathering information about transition and keep my eyes on the prize ahead. If you feel really bad maybe you can't go and look all confident and together, but you can do something. Read up! Be a student of men's behavior and dress habits and everything.

Also, remember that you can't be perfect. No one is. Just be the best you can be and be proud of that.

[Guest Jackson]

I do think it will be much easier for you to change your name now than later when you've got a college degree, mortgage, etc. Just even thinking about my old college having to change my name makes me tired.

I notice that my self-confidence is sometimes tied with whether or not I've gotten enough sleep or how well I'm feeling physically. I have suffered a lot time with chronic headaches. So there are a number of days when I just don't feel like I've got that "devil-may-care" attitude. I usually just try to not worry too much or focus too much on the negative.

I'll do little things that make me feel better. For instance, today I have had the worst headache in a long time. All day long. I splurged and got a doughnut and coffee from the hospital cafeteria this morning. For whatever reason, the cafeteria has some of the best coffee I've ever tasted. It brightened my day a little.

If like yesterday with seeing a large part of my family for the first time and worried about nerves, I went and listened to a few favorite songs right before I arrived at the church. That always seems to put me in a better frame of mind too.

Just the new start may be enough of a big step to keep you in a good frame of mind. It's the first day of the rest of your life.

[Guest joe0117]

Congratulations on being able to move and have a fresh start. I've struggled a lot with depression so I know how draining and frustrating it can be. Maybe you can use this next month to work on being comfortable with yourself. Try to relax and use your interactions as a learning experience. You can see what works best for you and what make you feel most like your true self. You can observe how people respond to you and how well you pass. I would think you would be able to pass much more easily when you are relaxed and being yourself. You can take into account what makes you feel good and in how people respond to you in different situations. You can use all that information to help you feel more confident in hopes that when you move you will have a better understanding of how people respond to you based on how you carry yourself. When you move, you won't have to struggle with people knowing you as born in a female body and transitioning. Hopefully, that will relieve some of the stress of having to feel you have to prove yourself to other people. You can just concentrate on being yourself. I hope for you that relieves some of the stress you feel and lightens your depression and anxiety. I hope you feel better soon.

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Congrats on starting to transition, and it sounds like your mother is really supportive, which is fantastic.

I would give you two pieces of advice for dealing with depression. One is to find someone to talk to. I'm terrible at talking about stuff, so I feel a little hypocritical in suggesting it, but it really does help if you can manage to talk. The second piece of advice is to exercise. Sometimes when I'm feeling really down I'll go for a really long run. The runner's high you get is kind of an artificial and temporary way to feel good, but it's a respite from feeling bad all the time. Exercising can also make you feel better about your body in the long run, which may help you.

Good luck with everything and take care of yourself.

Best,

-Pól