Update

[Guest Laura1977]

Not sure where to put this. First of all, I have come to the honest conclusion that I am not, as previously supposed, a crossdresser. I think I suspected that that was the case before, but I was afraid of the other answers. I have read Jennifer Boylan's book She's Not There. I loved it. It made me cry, it made me laugh, and it scared the hell out of me. Because I can definitely identify with Jenny a whole lot more than I thought.

I have been to see a counselor through work, and she referred me to a psychologist, who I went to see for the first time yesterday. It was so hard to talk to her at first. I mean, the first half hour was the easy part; tell me about your history, your Family of Origin, your kids, your relationships, blah blah blah, but then she flipped back to the first page of her paperwork and said, "Now for the hard part. Why are you here?" I stared at the floor for a long time, and then said simply "Gender dysphoria," and went on to explain my story. It was pretty hard to talk about it. I go see her again in a week. In the meantime, I'm feeling quite depressed again, a feeling which has been growing on me over the last few weeks.

I know I'm doing the right thing in seeing her, but part of me is scared to death at what is going to happen as a result, to me, to my family, and to my wife. The last thing I want is to hurt someone else by wanting the impossible.

God, I'm not making sense, either.

[Guest leo]

you are making sense

so im guessing you want to change to a female

but you feel you will hurt anyone around you

but this is a big change and when you start the journey you'll know what you wont

you got to do whats best for you, i know that easy for me to say as i dont have a wife or kids

but if you are confident and sure what you wont im sure your family will be right behind you

[Guest Donna Jean]

I stared at the floor for a long time, and then said simply "Gender dysphoria," and went on to explain my story. It was pretty hard to talk about it. I go see her again in a week. In the meantime, I'm feeling quite depressed again, a feeling which has been growing on me over the last few weeks.

I know I'm doing the right thing in seeing her, but part of me is scared to death at what is going to happen as a result, to me, to my family, and to my wife. The last thing I want is to hurt someone else by wanting the impossible.

God, I'm not making sense, either.

Laura, Honey.......

I'm so sorry that you feel so badly....This is a hard place to be, though....

I too, didn't want to hurt my wife either...but, sometimes living with a miserable person who is trying to hide their true feelings is harder than coming out and taking the consequences.

You are doing the right, Laura...seeing the therapist and telling that you are gender disphoric. They will take it from there...you may be at many places along the scale..crossdresser to Transsexual. But you can get a diagnoses from the therapist in time and then you'll know where you are....

Laura, I won't sugar coat....this is hard for all involved...But it's not impossible....

I'm 59 years old...some here are 57...61..ansd so forth...it's not impossible...we're all in some stage of transition....

Your therapist may find that you are satisfied by cross dressing and you may need to take it no further....

You'll see in time....you are doing the right thing, Hon...figure out yourself first.

We do care about you...

****BIGG HUGG****

Donna Jean

[Sally]

Laura, Sweetheart,

I know what you mean about Jennifer's book - if it had been set in Texas it could have been my autbiography.

I am not going to lie to you and say it gets easier in a hurry - it doesn't, but it does get better and the more you accept it the more likely those around you will accept you.

I had reached the point that when I went to see a therapist when she said, "Girl, we need to get you started on your transition.", it was a moment that I can never forget.

I had never understood what a transsexual was and had even hated the sound of the word, but my feelings finally made me open my E-mail account as Sally and start a search for Transsexuality.

I then made friends with a post op lady in California and at her urgings I finally decided to seek a therapist - I found a great one and when she agreed that I was transsexual and probably headed all the way to the SRS it somehow became one of the happiest moments in my life.

My wife left me, but she was never the type to accept anyone who wasn't just like her and her all important family.

She could not see a black and white couple on TV without making some sort of comment so I really saw it coming from a long way away.

Donna Jean's wife loves her and said she would stay and now is discovering how loving and Caring DJ can be when she is no longer trying to hide her true self.

Everyone is different, but I am happier now than I was when I was married so things have turned out for the best - they have a way of doing that if you just don't fight it and let it happen.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest leo]

sally's right

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Laura

I think you may realize this already, but you have started a journey. As with most journeys you suspect you know where you will end up. - but you can't be sure and you don't know what will happen on the way. Ironically, Donna Jean mentioned her age and the ages of two others here at Laura's. That was Sally and me she was describing, I am 61 - and then we show up!

And we all know where you are right now - TERRIFIED!

I started my journey in October. It's not easy, but it is truly where I need to be. You will find out it can be expensive, in terms of relationships, your job, and your entire way of living. There are changes coming but many that will surprise you. My wife finally accepts me - it was close. My kids accept me, it has always been uncondional. But they fired me yesterday because having a transitioning transsexual on staff confused them, and they were scared of me. But I can always find another job - a wife, son and two daughters are priceless - and my way of life has to be right for me

AND - and this is important - I am finally at peace.

So listen to us all, and see how each of us is working toward resolution. Read how others are trying to make it work. We ALL deserve to be happy, and so do you.

I hope this helps a little.

Lizzy

And Leo is such a sweetheart!

[Guest DeniseNM]

Laura you have already heard wonderful words of wisdom from wonderful people here (yes Sally even wisdom from you ). We all know where you are at right now because we all have been there in some way or another. I am forty and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt my wife and son, but like DJ said living with a miserable person who is hiding who they are is worse than living with a TG/TS. It was only a year ago that I finally admitted to myself who I am and now that I am learning more about me and being me I am happier.

You may think you weren't making sense but you did make perfect sense. You will find out that everyone here has lots of love to share and there are many wonderful shoulders to cry on and ears to listen to (even some stern kicks in the rear when we are being just down right dumb ....lol), but most importantly we are here for each other no matter what to help each other out, to laugh and cry and smile and just be silly with each other as is needed. So welcome to our little slice of heaven.

Denise

[Guest Laura1977]

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. It made me feel a little better.

The wife and I had a really long conversation last night, and kind of cleared the air. A lot of things are a clearer now, and I don't think I'll feel as bad today as I have for awhile.

You're right about feeling terrified, though. Because I know that once I have started on that path, there is no real return. As my therapist said, there's no closing Pandora's Box, and I don't know what all is in it.

Anyway, thank you for the love, and ((HUGS)) back.

Sometimes all you need is a shoulder to cry on.