Coming Out to Myself; Struggling

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Just a quick post to introduce myself, and I plan to post more later.

I'm reluctantly and joyfully transgender.

Reluctantly because this is soooo hard. This is hard because I'm balding and approaching 40. It's hard because misogyny. It's hard because transphobia. Hard because married and I love my wife. She knows about my gender dissonance to an extent, but lately it's been increasing and I'm anxious about that. It's hard because I can't shop for women's clothes in public. Not alone. I fear other eyes on me, judging. I fear my self-loathing. I fear my socialized masculinity and the male privilege of others. I fear vulnerability. I fear being female in public.

Joyfully because I identify so much with the feminine and feminism. Joyfully because I am maternal. Joyfully because I know that to embrace the feminine as a male body is courageous and needed. Joyfully because, yay the internet and ebay and I don't have to shop for women's clothes in public. Joyfully because I have so much to offer as a... woman? Femme? I'm not sure what the right word is here. Joyfully because when I shift my perspective and view myself--my history and my personality--through the lenses of femininity and trans-ness, the world brightens. Joyfully because I am hopeful that embracing my trans-ness will ease the depression that has darkened me since I was a teenager. Joyfully because I look forward, anxiously now, to being female in public... sometime later.

Who I'm not: my avatar. That's just a picture that I like and that resonates with who I am. She's natural, beautiful, simple. Who I'm not: someone who knew/claimed trans-ness early in life. I became conscious of trans-ness as a possibility for me about ten years ago. For the past several years, I have buried it. So I'm coming to terms. Coming out to myself. And I need some support from a welcoming community, so here I am.

Who I am: a reader, a writer, artistic, curious, passionate about social justice. Looking for community. Someone who loves soft clothes. Someone who loves music. Someone who loves springtime and children. Someone who loves innocence and loathes oppression and arrogance. I'm maladjusted, but recovering, and I think I am and will become more beautiful with age. I'm looking forward to my journey, but I'm also scared as a trembling voice.

Thank you all for being here and for your courage. I'm looking forward to connecting with you.

[Guest Raya]

Welcome, Charlotte!

I'm new to self acceptance also, and am so glad to finally quit fighting me. The playground has been really nice to hang out at.

I know about the balding part, im 52 and I don't really think I'll ever get enough hair back even with hrt. So, wigs coming.

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Charlotte. You'll hear from a lot of folks that they identify with you, with where you are, with your feelings about yourself and your possible future. It's because your story is so much like so many of ours, and like mine. So you are in good company here. We understand you, we understand your fears and uncertainty, we understand your feminine side, and we understand your doubts about where this all might lead.

If you don't have a gender therapist, I suggest that you should at least consider it. A good one will surely help with a lot of things, including dealing successfully with your wife. Do know, too, that full transition is not necessarily what is best for you, that there are other options and half measures that often work well. We can't tell you what will work for you, and neither can a G.T., but we can show those options to you to help you decide.

I do ask our new members to please read the site Terms and Conditions, as they help us keep the site safe. A link to the rules is at the lower right of every page.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Welcome Charlotte. If your worried about thinning hair, don't. I shave my head and wear a wig all day. Finding acceptance of myself has been the the hardest and also the most rewarding part of this journey.

Your not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Astrosmurf]

I was actually looking at regaine in the pharmacy yesterday since I have the same hair thinning problem (I'm 41). It works for 90% of people roughly, but it's crazy expensive. I can't afford it and I'm hoping the hormones might stop the receding hairline, but if you have the budget it might be worth considering, Charlotte. I think they call it something else in the States, also beginning with 'R'. Online customer reviews and pharmacies etc say use the liquid not the foam, since the foam doesn't get to the scalp as good.

And welcome to Laura's!

[Guest Lara-Saphire]

Hi Charlotte I am new to these forums also but find much I identify with in your post. Thank you for putting into words, things I seem to have such a hard time saying or writing. This is my first post to this site. I've admitted my cross dressing ways and feminine nature only 4 months ago and also experienced reluctantly and joyfully all the things you speak of. Thank you for sharing.

Thanks a Bunch! Hungs

[Charlize]

Lara i hope you will also post an introduction in that forum. Welcome and thanks for your sharing.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks everyone for the welcome.

[Guest Charlotte J.]

If you don't have a gender therapist, I suggest that you should at least consider it. A good one will surely help with a lot of things, including dealing successfully with your wife. Do know, too, that full transition is not necessarily what is best for you, that there are other options and half measures that often work well. We can't tell you what will work for you, and neither can a G.T., but we can show those options to you to help you decide.

I don't have a gender therapist, but that's a thought. One of the things that I'm wary of is the pathologization of gender variance, so I'm more inclined to seek support from a local LGBT group first, where people will have personal, rather than professional, experience. I was able to have a good conversation with my wife last night, and she was encouraging and supportive. I'm thankful for that.

I'm certainly not commited at this point to any particular course. The first task is emergence, coming out, beginning to understand what all of this means. Embracing a trans feminine identity, right now, is largely about being gentle and loving toward aspects of my personality that I believe have been supressed due to being socialized as a male. I've had a lot of anxiety, anger, and fear about male authority over the years. That's indicative of my not feeling safe around traditional expressions of masculinity.

I am smiling more around friends and strangers, being more open and verbal. Some feminine mannerisms that I've consciously adopted over the past little while may be becoming less conscious. So right now it's about experimenting with being in my body in a way that feels more natural.

One thing that's been really helpful to me is reading books by trans people and activists. A key "a-ha" moment for me was picking up a book at the library. From there, I sought out Kate Bornstein's Gender Workbook. She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan after that. Recently I've picked up Trans Bodies, Trans Selves (which led me to this site, actually) and I'm almost done with Whipping Girl by Julia Serano, which I find incredibly insightful. Critical thinking is very important to me, and the way that Serano approaches and attacks conventional understanding of gender is very useful. Her thought on misogyny and the privileging of masculinity/maleness are going to be key for me moving forward, I think.

To me, embracing trans femininity seems to be more a psychological experience than a physical one at this pont. I don't dislike my body or my genitals. It's possible that I might be more comfortable in an estrogenated body, but I'm not to the point where that's really a question yet. I might be comfortable enough in my body as it is when I'm able to adequately express my natural femininity.

It's a journey. Into a wilderness. I took a few steps into the forest years ago, stopped, even turned around a bit. Now I'm moving again, aware that there's no clear path and that the exploration of the wilderness is crucial.

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Welcome Charlotte. If your worried about thinning hair, don't. I shave my head and wear a wig all day.

Yeah, I've been considering wigs. I've also considered just shaving my head bare. Right now I wear my hair quite short. Hats are also useful and fun.

[Guest Charlotte J.]

I was actually looking at regaine in the pharmacy yesterday since I have the same hair thinning problem (I'm 41). It works for 90% of people roughly, but it's crazy expensive. I can't afford it and I'm hoping the hormones might stop the receding hairline, but if you have the budget it might be worth considering, Charlotte. I think they call it something else in the States, also beginning with 'R'. Online customer reviews and pharmacies etc say use the liquid not the foam, since the foam doesn't get to the scalp as good.

And welcome to Laura's!

Thanks. Yeah, my mom actually bought me some Rogaine (that's what it's called in the States) a couple Christmases ago. I almost used it until I looked at the ingredients and saw that it contained BUTANE.

BUTANE.

I was like, nah, I'll skip it. I'll cope with hair loss some other way.

Freaking BUTANE.

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Hi Charlotte I am new to these forums also but find much I identify with in your post. Thank you for putting into words, things I seem to have such a hard time saying or writing. This is my first post to this site. I've admitted my cross dressing ways and feminine nature only 4 months ago and also experienced reluctantly and joyfully all the things you speak of. Thank you for sharing.

Absolutely! And thank you for posting this. It really means a lot to me that what I wrote resonated with you. One of the things I need right now is to connect with others who have similar experiences. And as I posted earlier, reading about other trans people's experiences has been crucial and empowering for me--so knowing that I wrote a little something that spoke to you or articulated your own thoughts makes me very happy.

[gennee]

Hi Charlotte and welcome to Laura's. I'm a late comer to trans-ness having discovered it ten years ago at age 56. Now I'm 66 and have never been happier.

[Guest Astrosmurf]

thanks, Will have to check out Whipping Girl, it sounds great. another really great mtf autobiography I read was Conundrum by Jan Morris, brilliantly written and an interesting life story.

Here are some links to scientific studies done on the brain structures of pre-treatment transsexuals, which you might appreciate. There are probably many more studies out there by now, since I found these a few years back. They helped me to see things more clearly and erased some doubts I had as to my 'motives' for thinking and feeling the way I did, and maybe you'll find them interesting and helpful too:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23224294

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18056697

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18761592

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23923023

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18980961

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19751389

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21467211

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23724358

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19341803

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20562024

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21195418

You're right, this is a psychological journey, but it's funny the further we go towards better integrating our true selves, the more and more it seems to centre on the body. I feel like I'm getting more grounded and closer to my physical self, as well as to the people around me who share my secret, because they know the real me now, and to the physical world. I'm a writer too, and I love reading and all kinds of abstract theories; and then I realised that escaping into intellectual things or vivid imaginings -although there's nothing wrong with that- was for me a compensation which I'd developed very early on, a way of avoiding the realities of my dysphoria. I do understand it's different for everyone, but I've also read that a huge amount of transgender people do this too. Here's a really interesting essay all about it, lol:

http://www.linfraser.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/DepthpsychotherapySRT.pdf

It's so cool that we have this site, where we can explore things like this in safety, make connections with others who are on similar paths, and breath a little more freely, without having to rush any of the physical changes (as I've done previously), if we ultimately decide we want to make any at all.

P.S. Don't read the ingredients in Veet!

[Guest]

Welcome, Charlotte. I appreciate your post and know exactly what you mean and likely how you feel.

*hugs*

-Fiona

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks, Astrosmurf. I may check out those links. And thanks for the essay link, too.

You're right, this is a psychological journey, but it's funny the further we go towards better integrating our true selves, the more and more it seems to centre on the body. I feel like I'm getting more grounded and closer to my physical self, as well as to the people around me who share my secret, because they know the real me now, and to the physical world. I'm a writer too, and I love reading and all kinds of abstract theories; and then I realised that escaping into intellectual things or vivid imaginings -although there's nothing wrong with that- was for me a compensation which I'd developed very early on, a way of avoiding the realities of my dysphoria. I do understand it's different for everyone, but I've also read that a huge amount of transgender people do this too. Here's a really interesting essay all about it, lol:
http://www.linfraser.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/DepthpsychotherapySRT.pdf

For me, reading and writing can sometimes be an escape--like when I'm reading or writing fantasy--but it can equally be me facing the world. When I read about trans lives, trans issues, and other social justice issues, when I read about history and even literary theory, that is about me acquiring and deepening a framework for how I can deal with and approach the world. Reading empowers me to be more fully myself; I first discovered this transformative power of reading about a decade ago when I began reading different works of non-fiction (before that, I'd mostly read fiction) that validated my intuition and feelings. This validation isn't exclusive to my trans identity; it's largely a political, moral, and intellectual validation. I grew up in South Caroilna, and as you may know or can imagine, that's a pretty conservative environment to come up in. It wasn't until I was well out of school, including college, that I really began to find my feet, intellectually, emotionally, and intuitively. So for me, reading isn't an abstract intellectual exercise, it's about me acquiring and integrating knowledge and arguments that I need to navigate the world in a healthy way. It's largely an exercise in becoming mentally and emotionally healthy.

And yes, I am beginning to understand how physical my trans identity may be. I think I'll probably find that, as I progress on this journey, I need to make certain changes to the way I present my gender to the world. Right now, that kind of transition needs to be very gradual. I've often had a beard, so shaving my face every day (often twice a day now) is transformative and empowering. I'm wearling jewelry again. These physical expressions of gender are subtle, gentle, and genuine. They don't feel threatening to me--meaning that I don't fear for my safety when I am presenting in public this way. I imagine, and I could be wrong about this, that this will be a slow process for me, and that I will want/need to feel as natural as possible moving forward.

Thanks so much for taking the time to post in my introduction. You too, Fiona! It's very nice for me to have this space where I can feel safe and comfortable and see how others are being in the gender identities. I know that a lot of people are putting a lot of work into this site. I appreciate that!!

[Guest Astrosmurf]

You're welcome. Subtle, gentle, and genuine sounds exactly right; I wish I'd been a bit more subtle and less imaptient at times, being outed too early and gossipped about and ridiculed by some of the people I'd liked and trusted, and who I hoped would understand. It was profoundly humiliating, heartbreaking, and full of panic for me at the time, but I've kept moving on and things are good now, thankfully. I'm proud that I endured it with inner dignity at least. I'd just been imprisoned so long, it seemed very right to break out all at once and it was hard for me to remain restrained and cautious at all times, once I'd begun accepting and trying to integrate who I really was. Partly I unconsciously outed myself, by leaving 'incriminating' things lying around my apartment and forgetting to close windows on the computer etc when friends arrived -- sort of like a Freudian slip, but through neglegent action.

Mean, unhappy people who are themselves quite limited, against their own wills, in thier own ways and forms, they just love a great scapegoating opportunity when it appears! I think that's universal, but I imagine maybe South Island New Zealand is a tad more tolerant than South Carolina So I do hope you'll be careful.

Anyway, not trying to scare you or preach It's great to hear you're smiling more, and great to have you here

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks, Astrosmurf. I'm glad you were able to keep your head up, but am sorry to hear about your earlier experiences. I think I'm going through a similar breaking-out right now and am beginning to accept and integrate, as you did. I can see how it could be easy to gain momentum and suddenly end up somewhere that is maybe too far. I appreciate your words of caution, but don't worry, you haven't scared me.

I no longer live in South Carolina, by the way, so that's a plus.

I am smiling more. I'm seeing a smile that I didn't really know I had, actually. Took a picture of that smile today. Am thinking about making it my profile pic.

[Guest Raya]

Smiling, what a great indicator, both in terms of accuracy and what it indicates.

[Guest honeynocturnal]

Welcome, Charlotte! I have to say, as a writer, I found your initial post a work of art! So eloquent!

"Joyfully because I identify so much with the feminine and feminism. Joyfully because I am maternal. Joyfully because I know that to embrace the feminine as a male body is courageous and needed. Joyfully because, yay the internet and ebay and I don't have to shop for women's clothes in public. Joyfully because I have so much to offer as a... woman? Femme? I'm not sure what the right word is here. Joyfully because when I shift my perspective and view myself--my history and my personality--through the lenses of femininity and trans-ness, the world brightens. Joyfully because I am hopeful that embracing my trans-ness will ease the depression that has darkened me since I was a teenager. Joyfully because I look forward, anxiously now, to being female in public... sometime later."

Particularly, these words of yours express how I am feeling right now... what I am embracing. I feel like I'm truly free for the first time in my life. A miracle saved me and now I am truly blossoming into the loving being I was always meant to be. It is exhilarating to connect with people like you who know exactly what I'm talking about!<3