Feeling Scared, I Did Something Brave

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Starting last night and continuing through this morning, I was feeling overwhelmed, doubtful, and quite terrified. How hard and alienating it is to be transgender was really sitting heavy on my chest, my shoulders, my head, my brain, my heart. On me. Got a taste of an old familiar feeling of hopelessness.

This process of coming out is really lonely. The only person I've shared this with (aside from y'all, obviously--whjch, this being the internet, I guess means the whole freaking world, potentially. But anyway--) The only person I've shared this with is my wife. She's been supportive. We've talked about my dressing, about what this means for our relationship and family, about the social challenges that come with being trans, and about the unknown future.

We've talked about my dressing, but she hadn't seen me dressed until today. I've been wanting to show her, but did not want to push her too fast or out of her comfort zone. And I was nervous. So I waited. But last night and this morning were too much and I told her that I needed her to see me, that I needed to be visible to someone else.

She agreed, which wasn't a surprise; like I said, she's supportive. Turns out she was waiting for me to let her know I was ready. I told her that I've been eager to show her--and I have been, and I've been scared, too. The last and only other time she saw me dressed was years ago. On Halloween.

Today I told her that it wouldn't be a big production, no makeup, simple. I just needed to be seen.

She saw me. We talked. It was good. She had questions. I had some answers, and I didn't have others. She now has a better picture of how I am trans, of how I see myself as transgender, and how it is not me transitioning into someone or something different, but of me becoming more freely and fully myself.

The binary concept of gender is so limiting. There are real, essential parts of me that have been constrained and supressed by gendering. Being trans is not, for me, about flipping my gender, about going to the other side, necessarily. It's about opening myself to the supposed other side, the feminine self that has been constrained and suppressed by social conventions and conditioning. There's a lot that I can do to be more fully me without dressing femme in public. But I am also beginning to undertsand that dressing femme works for me as a tool--seeing myself and being seen femme is freeing. The physicality of dressing unties knots in my psyche, loosens the cultural bonds that keep me from being fully myself. Not only seeing myself and being seen by another, but the sensual feeling of my body in women's clothes connects me to parts of myself that have been walled away. This sensuality is not crass. It's fine. Fine in the sense of okay, but also fine in the sense of delicate, refined, detailed.

This morning I was feeling stuck, stumbled, stunted. Now I feel free again. I feel more authentic.

Turned out to be a very good day for me.

[Guest Raya]

Yay!

-for the very good day, for feeling fine, and having a great wife

[Carolyn Marie]

Here's to very good days, and for many more to come. I'm glad for you, Charlotte.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

I'm glad your wife is supporting you. I certainly understand the fear, shame and guilt you are living with. Small steps moved me forward and you are taking those steps as well.

I particularly liked this line of yours: "The physicality of dressing unties knots in my psyche, loosens the cultural bonds that keep me from being fully myself." It describes a feeling i've had for my whole life. Keeping stepping as you can in comfort. Soon you'll be well along on your journey.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest honeynocturnal]

<3 seeing someone overcome their fears and finding acceptance and happiness. Life is poetry, sometimes...

[tracy_j]

That is so nice to hear

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks, everyone. Small steps, absolutely. Guilt, Charlize, may require a thread of its own sometime. Actually, I imagine there's already at least one somewhere on these forums. I should check. Hmmm... keyword search returned a lot, may need to do some digging.

[Guest]

Oh no! Not another Jodyism story! Well make a cup of tea and put your feet up, here goes:

I have a favorite little black dress that I look nice in since the beginning of my transition. I had been dabbling with the rock star look but nowhere near out en fem in public. Oh yes it will be my usual TMI so put the little ones to bed. At that time my ex would come over weekends and we would usually knock our boots together. Giggle.

Come bedtime we were amorous and warm under the cover sans any clothing. I asked her if she would give me a minute. "Sure?" I think she thought I would escape to the bathroom but I slipped into the walk-in closet. I was nervously shaking as I adjustedy my dress.

I stuck just my head out the doorway. I said "Would you like to meet a friend mine?" "Yes" she said. I poked my head back in. Willing to accept any result, I stepped out and said "Hello, my name is Jody, would you like to play?"

I love the movie IN HARM'S WAY where Patricia Neal and John Wayne are in his apartment. She asks if they should leave it at that? Wayne calls his roommate to ask for a night of privacy. He then says "Maggie?", she says " Rock?" and then she slips her shoes off. That scene is so sexy because you know what happens next, but only in your imagination.

Well my little exposé ends the same, I will say the whole girl-girl weekend was a hit. She gave me new shoes, we thrift store shopped for a few new outfits, she gave me a complete make-over and I went out completely en fem in dresses with her Saturday and Sunday nights. Oh Lord was I Cinderella!

I wish everyone here could come out as successfully to their true love too. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest LesleyAnne]

It's a very good thing to ease out of a stuck day, and turn it into a good one. Sometimes there just aren't enough of those, so revel in it for as long as you can .

Happy Days yeah!

[Guest honeynocturnal]

What a great way to come out, Jody! Doesn't get much better than that! So brave and imaginative!

The first time I ever dressed up for somebody else was also the first time I ever made love to a man... what a quantum leap THAT was...