A hurdle I still need to jump

[Guest Kayla Grace]

All in all, the ship seems to be sailing quite well considering transition isn't a quick process (quite the opposite really). My mother I can only assume is in denial as per "I just don't want to talk about it", and my father has absolutely no idea about my transition yet. I've told myself, day after day, that I have to do what makes me happy; and that I can't let other people stop me. I still feel horrible about this though. I feel horrible that the circumstances have forced me to have to hurt others that I didn't have a great relationship with in the first place - now I have to toss this suck salad at them - in order to make little old me happy.

I know that some may take a while accepting me. Hell, maybe they won't ever. But one thing's for sure, when I tell them, I'll never resent them for taking a while to (or even not) accepting me.

I just ... I just wish I could get rid of this guilt ...

I hope this makes sense. This is kind of my feelings slipping out through the cracks when I can't hold it in anymore ...

[tracy_j]

As a father one thing I will say is that we bring our children up to good standards giving them love and affection and setting a good example for them to follow, but there comes a time when we have to let go and let them steer their way through life. We are still here for guidance and help if things get bad but generally they have to live their lives. This does not change if they are transgender, gay etc.

As a child I have felt guilty for some of the things I have done in the past but now I am a father I understand far better.

I know your situation may well be somewhat different but you have to live your life. Your parents can expect you to keep in touch and update with things but you are essentially on your own! It is only human to feel guilty if you have feelings. Most people will become accepting given time. Just be as open and honest as you can bearing in mind that (at least in my experience) most people have great difficulty in understanding whereas they have less difficulty in accepting.

Tracy

[Charlize]

Kayla,

I felt guilty just as you did. In fact that guilt was one of the reasons i kept hiding and lying. I didn't feel it was my right to hurt my family. My therapist helped me with that feeling. It is something that shouldn't stop us from being ourselves. We are not responsible for the lives of others nor can we control how they react. At some point honesty is the best course.

I think this is even more true of our parents. They may have hopes and dreams for us that we could never live up to so we just have to be true to ourselves. I know it is easier said than done but talk to your therapist.

We are here and can help but it is your mountain to cross. I can say, however, that it can be crossed and many have been on that path and survived. Often they have found results they never could have anticipated.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

I also felt tremendous guilt for a long while, as I got closer to my own days of reckoning. But with the help of my therapist, I got past that, and luckily things worked out very well. I think most of us are far harder on ourselves than anyone else is hard on us. We think we are damaging other people, but in truth, we are not. Yes, you should keep the feelings of others in mind, and try to mitigate things if possible, but at some point you have to decide if living for others sake is the wisest choice. I think in most instances it is not.

I wish you luck, Kayla, and please know that we are here for you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Kayla Grace]

I knew I could count on you all to tell me what both me and my therapist say. I suppose I'm extremely hard on myself. At work? I get upset and frustrated that I don't perform to what's expected even though I'm still learning (I've been there for slightly over 2 months). But that frustration turns into a positive because that's what drives me to work harder, and push myself to become stronger.

Perhaps bad phrasing, but I wish to be superior. Now don't take that the wrong way. I wish to be superior; a Jane of all trades, so I can help others to become stronger as well. I simply cannot settle for being the weak link, nor do I flaunt when I'm the strongest. At the very least, I wish to be able to keep up with others when I'm working in a team situation, and excel in secret when I work alone.

I've hand-written my father a letter which I'll post here tomorrow. I've construed that he must find out through a letter because I simply can't bring myself to tell him face to face. Perhaps there's a slight intimidation involved, or I'm afraid he may do something rash and my safety might be compromised. It feels a bit petty, but as

I think most of us are far harder on ourselves than anyone else is hard on us. We think we are damaging other people, but in truth, we are not.

Most of the situations I've made it through have been FAR better then I originally thought.

This is likely a mood swing from the T Blockers. Now, I'm feeling pretty good about it all. I hope it stays.

I know I'll make it through. I always have a way of getting through these things, but it's certainly nice to have all of you to talk to when I need some light in the darkness. For that I thank you all from the bottom of my heart

God Bless, Loves,

Kayla <3