Scared to death

[Guest Some_Geek]

Hello . . . I suspect I'm one of the most ignorant people on this site, so do bear with me. I very recently got quite sick, in part because I wasn't taking care of myself emotionally. Now that I'm having to look over my entire life to find ways to make sure that doesn't happen again, I've sort of re-discovered this gender dysphoria thing that I thought I had magically caused to evaporate years ago.

And I have absolutely no idea where to go next from here. I have a therapist who's knowledgeable about these issues, thank God, but I'm only just starting to work on this sort of stuff with her.

I do understand that there are many things a person who's unhappy with their socially-assigned gender can do, but I'm not really sure what all of those things might be. In my head, there's sort of this divide between cisgender people living cisgender lives, and then over here we have trans people living fully as the gender they weren't assigned at birth. The idea that there's a middle ground is still somehow hazy for me. (I'm not even sure I'm using these terms right. If I'm not, please let me know. I'm not trying to be offensive.)

Anyway, my (admittedly irrational) fear is that once I really start examining this "being a woman is not working for me" thing, I'll end up going through the time and expense and stress of surgery, which I don't think I want. Actually, I have no idea what I do want, which is another reason to be anxious.

I sort of told a friend and my sister today what was going on with me, because I desperately needed to talk about it. I think I may have somewhat downplayed the issue to them, however. Maybe I was downplaying it to myself, I don't know. What I said was basically this: "You know that voice in your head that represents you to yourself? Your interior monologue voice? Well, in my case, that voice is definitely male."

And I don't know what to do about it. No idea at all. Thanks for reading this far, even though I suspect this didn't make any sense.

[VickySGV]

Hi, I moved this from the FtM forum to Introductions because it is your first post, and a lot of your issues here apply to ALL of us FtM and MtF alike. Your just being here is a start to the search of who you are and what will happen to you -- if anything. Welcome to the Playground, as said from what you write, you belong here. Keeping secrets about who we are inside is one of the greatest stresses we can have, and the most likely to lead to self harm or self neglect and illness from that. Again, Very Much Welcome.

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's. I certainly know about the fear and confusion you express. Having a therapist can help a great deal as can spending some time here reading and posting with others. Both MTF and FTM folks share all of the emotional stuff and oddly many of the same feelings about our bodies.

I know some great folks who walk a more or less "middle ground". They have done little to physically modify there bodies but through changes in clothing and how they present are accepted by society as the gender that fits. Some take hormone therapy (HRT). It can make subtle changes that make things better for an individual without surgery.

Laura's is a great place to explore. Between time here and therapy that fear will hopefully melt and become joy and peace.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Some_Geek]

Thank you both so much for your replies! You're very kind.

[Guest Raya]

Hi, and welcome

It's a great start to open up your mind and take a good honest look at who you are and need to be. This alone has been life changing for me. So, good luck, and see ya around!