Doubts

[Guest (S)hE-W0lf]

For a while now the urge to dress or even ideas of myself as a girl disappeared. Not enough that I stopped window shopping on the Internet but enough that I haven't dressed or looked at my clothes or such things for months. My current circumstances simply don't allow me such things regardless of if I wanted to anyhow. I've gained weight, I've regrown my thick body hair and I've started doubting my thoughts and feelings and things as in the beginning, none of it willingly I simply just don't have the energy or will or care enough to do anything about it, I feel sort of lost and down and powerless.

Now two or so days ago I started feeling the urge again, though I still can't scratch that itch. I began looking things up on the net again and went ballistic with reading and watching videos and such and with the Caitlyn Jenner happening there was of coarse a lot to read. Unfortunately a lot of it is negative, specifically the comment sections. It also caused people around me to discuss it in person and as I feared I am surrounded by hateful disapproving folk.

Today I sat and thought about it and I'm no longer sure where the problem lies. Am I inflicting this stuff upon myself, why does it feel like a desire rather than a need yet I cannot simply push it away or convince myself it's not needed? It feels like I need the want? I feel like I'm obsessing and yet I don't know how to stop. I thought I did stop. People seem to believe keeping trans individuals medicated is the right way to deal with it, to turn them, us, into obedient normal people as they say, like mind control but apparently in the medical ethnic way or something to that effect. Where is the problem, with the body or the mind? I mean we treat depression by sorting out the issues the mind has so it's not like it cannot be there, yet I don't think identity is an issue or something to be altered but I feel as if I am just trying to validate my own views which might be wrong.

My mental distress comes from many other things in my life that's not going all that well in conjunction with the confusion about myself but currently I am trying to deal with my thoughts about this, it's in the forefront. I keep trying to fight both sides. I try validating what I think and feel and then I try invalidating it. I'm stuck in limbo because of this. I'm not even sure what it is I'm trying to validate, probably that I am or that I'm not transgendered but I thought I already accepted myself regardless. Sigh.

Sorry. I just needed to think out loud somewhere.

Katelyn.

[JenniferB]

It's amazing what can trigger our thoughts. I realized years ago that one event can change the way we think. The first time I started to realize I might be transgender was when I stumbled on GRS on the internet. I saw how people changed their parts and I was fascinated. I really wanted that. I couldn't and let it go, only to have it resurface years later when another trigger on the internet made me Google everything I could about being transgender. And when I started to read about it the Jeannie was released from the bottle and I've never been the same. I obsessed over transitioning. It was in my head every waking moment since the day it was triggered until after I started taking HRT.

I don't know about where you lie in the transgender spectrum, whether you are a crossdresser or something else, but having the same feelings come back doesn't surprise me one iota. I believe it's very common and I bet there are others here who feel the same way.

Jennifer

[Guest Opal]

Some advice I was given way back when was not to purge (clothes) whenever I went into a period of inactivity.

In some cases for those of us born in the period in the late forties to the early eighties there was a product used by some physicians on pregnant women who were at risk of miscarriage. Turned out that there were side effects from this usage and it was eventually banned.

No need to apologize for thinking out loud. That is why we are here to try to make sense of all of this.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest ErIca W]

Katelyn,

I feel your distress and confusion. You have been much further down the CD road than I have but I share the feelings of distress and confusion. I have no words of wisdom to share with you except to say it makes me a little less lonely to know I am not the only one.

I wish I could relieve some of your anguish for you but the best I can do is say I understand and thank you for sharing of your inner self.

Heartfelt hugs,

Erica

[maud]

I have purged several times when I hoped the urge would go away . The urge never went away and I no longer purge .