A Little Confused About Being an Alcoholic

[JenniferB]

I started to drink again about 6 weeks ago. And I drank almost every night. When I drink I don't stop at just one beer, but I don't drink until all the alcohol is gone either. There comes a point, every time I drink, I don't want to drink anymore for that day, and stop. It is more than I should though, and a good idea to not drink. Plus I can get a desire to drink right before I get off work. I rarely think about drinking earlier in the day, so at the very least I'm a functional alcoholic.

The confusion comes when I chose a day I wasn't going to drink and didn't. I didn't even have a desire to drink. I may have gone to an AA meeting, and felt good afterwards but I would not have had a drink. Today will be my fifth day of sobriety and I haven't had a desire to drink once during this time. I didn't attend an AA meeting last night because I went to a Toastmasters meeting (joining in two weeks). I'm hitting the gym daily and working on a nutritional plan and menu that keeps me healthy, and will help me achieve my ideal weight. I already feel much healthier and alert when I eat right and exercise.

When I change my focus in the right area drinking doesn't seem to be a problem. I think it's more a sign of depression than anything else. But there are times I am able to control the things I can. When this happens I feel much happier and alive. There are times I can control my drinking, or rather drinking doesn't have a hold of me. So it makes me wonder if I'm an alcoholic. I do agree there are times I have a drinking problem and a desire not to drink, but at other times it's not a problem at all. And I'm at one of those other times where I have absolutely no desire to drink. I'm enjoying the path I'm on right now. When my mind focuses on something other than drinking, I am okay.

Jennifer

[Guest]

Cunning, baffling and powerful? I have been a sometimes drinker, daily drinker, seldom binge drinker. I can for a while hold my liquor. For me it is always a progression. It starts with beer and ends with Everclear. I am a functional, disfunctional, non functional alcoholic. Depending on how much sauce is swimming within me. Drinking for me is never a step up, always a step down.

AA is cheaper and much more fun than socializing with shallow impaired people at bars. Far less risk or trouble too.

I have a life too, so I don't have to live at AA, though you will find me at meetings a lot. For me I don't want to be half pregnant. I stay sober not as much as I have to, but need to, to stay all the way pregnant. Giggle.

One day God will deliver this Baby to the great AA meeting on the better side. LOL!

I'm glad you have many new things going for you. Only you can decide if you are alcoholic, only you can decide to pick up a drink. You do also know that you are always welcomed home to meetings. Hug. JodyAnn

[JenniferB]

Thanks JodyAnn. I won't stop going to meetings. They work when I have that obsession. I still haven't found an AA meeting I feel I can call a home group. The last one was in Chandler, but that's way too far to go to on a regular basis. I'm not sure I'm an alcoholic, but know that I like being involved in an AA group I can call home. Wonderful people who understand each other, and always being there when needed.

[VickySGV]

Is alcohol making your life unmanageable?? That is the big top question as to whether you hit the AA qualification for step work. You have to answer that question. If your life is manageable as you know and live it, that is wonderful even if it does contain alcohol. It's your call on the decision, and even if your life was manageable and you made a mistake and joined AA and worked the steps as if it had been unmanageable, no harm done to anyone.

[Charlize]

Alcoholism is perhaps the only disease that is best self diagnosed. My sisters above have mentioned that powerlessness is a big factor. i had quite literally come close to death. I simply could not stop and i lived in the hell of knowing that. It is a miracle that i'm sober today.

Alcoholism is also a progressive disease. I was fortunate not to suffer too much brain damage(?). Some suffer wet brain and others are fortunate enough to put the cork back before having any serious negative effects.

Only you can know if you are an alcoholic. Are you powerless over that first drink? Is one ever enough? Do you think about alcohol daily?.

Hugs,

Charlize an alcoholic

[JenniferB]

Good questions Charlize. I can stop after one drink when I must, like with a co-worker event. But I don't want to stop after the first one. On my own I probably wouldn't. The craving does go away after a short period of time. I don't think about alcohol daily. I haven't thought about having a drink since I stopped Sunday. My mind is focused elsewhere atm. I do drink too much obviously, but I think it has more to do with my personality than a craving.. I tend to take a lot of things too extremes, which can be both good and bad. I can get myself into trouble, but can excel too.

Jennifer

[Charlize]

You certainly haven't gotten to the level i reached. Remember you can get off the elevator on any floor but you have to be the one to say enough. Jennifer it is really up to you. I do remember a bit ago that you were happy with one or two beers. Shortly afterwards you had a kegerator (sp) and were certainly drinking more than two. Be careful and remember that alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Angel Heart]

Do you think maybe it's just a coping problem? Not a drinking problem - but a coping problem?

I have identified my "alcoholism" as such, because it isn't specifically alcohol that I can't control. It's coping with my PTSD that I'm not so good at. And alcohol is one out of several bad coping skills I have.

I don't always have a problem with alcohol. I usually have control.

But I do agree that alcoholism is best left self-diagnosed.
Hope my words can help in some way, though

[Charlize]

There was a time when alcohol worked for me. It almost delivered on it's promise of relief from the stresses of the day. i had a few drinks and relaxed. It was a coping mechanism that worked. Over the years that changed and instead of helping it became destructive. Oddly i couldn't see that and believed it was helping more and more. I needed it.....to cope?.....maybe but it controlled me. There is a subtle jumping off place but beware alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. It works until it doesn't and then it begins to own you.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest clearleeraines]

If you never drink again, just in case you are!. And find out later you were not! what have you lost???

But if you are? $$$$JAILS,INSITUTIONS&DEATH, OH MY!. FEELING LUCKY?

ITS A ALL OR NOTHING PROPOSITION. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.

CLEAR.

[JenniferB]

I visited my old AA group, 2 hours away, on Thanksgiving during a potluck alcothon. I have a bond with them that can never be broken. It was hard to leave them, and I have no doubt I would still be a part of them if I didn't have to move. This was the first day I haven't had a drink in over a month, and I didn't want one either. I stayed close to 4 hours and one thing I noticed is that I didn't have the excitement of being at the meeting like I did before. I enjoyed the company of many friends I got to know, but wasn't touched by the messages. It's not like the first time I went to AA. The people were more important than the message.

My problem with alcohol isn't that I can't manage life, I can when the stress is at an appropriate level. Also I don't drink the amounts of alcohol I have in the past. The problem I have is that it sets me back in advancing. And my life circumstances dictate that the sugar in alcohol is affecting my health. I get the urge to drink right before the end of work, and stop by to pick up 4-6 beers on the way home. I enjoy the feeling that beer gives me, it alleviates the stress and anxiety I feel almost constantly, at least for a short time. The problem is it also stops the work I need to do to make a better life.

Whether I'm an alcoholic or not is beside the point. I do desire to stop drinking. That will allow me to get back to the gym, and to work on the things I need to do at home to make life more livable. Alcohol puts this on hold every time I drink. I wish I could just turn off the desire and plan for the times I can drink, but it doesn't work like that. Maybe I don't desire to stop drinking enough. I am an obsessive person (like spending too much time on Facebook) and it's hard to make the changes needed to put life in balance.

Jennifer

[Drea]

Here is a question for you Jennifer and nobody else.

What is the answer you are seeking in asking the question. In asking, what are the potential answers you might get and what would you do if those potential answers were given.

A few examples..

Are you trying to give yourself, or well more likely have someone else give you permission to drink sometimes?

Are you seeking permission to not go to AA?

Does the thought of being an alcoholic bother you so you are trying to find out if you are REALLY an alcoholic so you can drop the label?

Some other general thoughts about your comments.

So what if you don't crave it all day and it comes just before getting off for work? I am sure there are plenty of folks that wake up after drinking think never again and all day the idea disgusts them but when evening rolls around they start thinking of relaxing the appeal comes back. Now maybe it isn't dramatic but just that you know you need to function during the day so the idea isn't there but as time approaches you can it is the addiction speaking to you.

It seems to me you are stating obvious things. Like it is very normal not to think of it when you are occupied and focused on something else. Furthermore depression tends to rear its head when one doesn't have other things to keep themselves occupied. Depression on the other hand makes it hard to get motivated to do something and thus one can get into a depressive spiral. Since alcohol is a depressant, it can trigger this cycle and accelerate the depressive cycle.

I hear this more connected with smoking than with drinking (perhaps because I know more smokers than drinkers) is that their smoking, while there is a physical addiction the hard thing once past the worst of the physical cravings is the smoking habits. They enjoyed smoking while doing this or that so when they do those things the craving comes.

Basically what you are describing sounds pretty typical human-ish type experience. Maybe, well certainly, you aren't in the same tight grip of alcohol of others. Will it progress that way and get worse? Well I can't answer that question for you. All I can say is the best information tends to suggest it can very well progress.

I know someone who hasn't given up drinking alcohol, but he recognized it was becoming more of a habit. So he set himself boundaries, like only drinking at certain events and only so much. This seems to be working for him as it was a big step back in his consumption. It seems to me the further one gets down the path beyond moderation, backing off is less and less an option short of full abstinence.

[Guest clearleeraines]

Jody ann took the words out of my mouth ~"cunning, baffling powerful"~. Personally, I have a dis-ease that tells me i don't have one! So the minuet I think "I" (THINKING) I am in real trouble. The first 1 or 10 are free. However sooner or later the hell will return worse that it was before. I CANNOT TRUST ME when it comes to anything thats gonna "relax" or otherwise (fix me). Addiction is the snake in the garden of eden. You will sell you every time if you listen Jennifer.

I will Pray for you and thank you! You reminded me about my dark passenger ME.

Peace Clear R

[Charlize]

Jennifer addiction is something we have to diagnose ourselves. That was certainly the case for me. Others, who knew me well, knew i had a problem. Regardless of their entreaties it was only when i accepted my addiction that i started to even think about stopping. That happened well before i went to the rooms. I had to get much worse before i could get better. I destroyed my health and almost lost everything i had worked a lifetime to create. Fortunately i was able to get help before death or insanity took me ( well i'm a bit nuts for sure). I have found other ways of handling stress and have found a life worth living without the "crutch" that promised relief but only brought more pain in the end.

Your choice is yours alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Raya]

Jennifer, in your post there seems some clarity that comes thru the confusion

"The problem I have is that it sets me back in advancing... affecting my health... 4-6 beers on the way home... stops the work I need to do to make a better life."

These issues are why I quit. I was generally a functional alcoholic, but it was seriously impeding my life.

add to this your "desire to stop drinking" and I would did go for it! (sobriety).

And yeah, it's not easy sometimes, but for me it got much easier over time.

I still would like to be able to have a glass or two of wine with dinner, but the risk that it would turn into a bottle or two of wine for dinner is too great, so I abstain and life is manageable.

[Guest cerise]

Experience strength and hope.

Here goes.

Experience: The less I go to meetings, the more I don't don't like the meetings and the less I feel connected.

The more I go to meetings the more I like AA and the more fun I have in the program.

One thing I learned is that worrying about how you are going to stay sober is not going to keep you sober. It's not something that you get but something that gets you.

Edited November 30, 2015 by cerise
merged two posts that were meant to be together

[Guest]

I hope everyone that posted here is happy, clean and sober for the holidays!

Hand me that lampshade please, I don't need any booze to wear a party hat when I see one. Giggle. Love you all. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

Thanks JodyAnn. The holidays can be hard for many of us addicts. I tend to text or call others in recovery during this time as it reminds me that as tempting as it might be that first drink will be the one that leads to pain, insanity and death. Reaching out is often a great tool for all of us.

Hugs,

Charlize