All but official: separation planned today

[Guest ArianaD]

Several of you have been following the painful posts about my attempts at marriage counseling with my wife. Today we pretty much decided to separate (with divorce to follow I am sure). It looks like she will move with the kids to her mom's while I work to sell the house and stay here for now. There are benefits for her in this, she plans to go back to school to get her master's degree and follow her parent's line of work to become a teacher... all this while she has two grandparents to help with the kids who are looking forward to the task.

The horrible part now is that we have to talk with our counselor tomorrow about how to approach our kids with this news. If this news is coupled with them learning about me being trans then I think it might forever make them hate me for it and link the two emotionally. I am not sure how to handle this or what to do.

I have cried my guts out today. I feel like I am the cause of everything. This might all go away if I could choose to stop my HRT and continue to work with my wife on our marriage. It is unlikely it would survive at this point, but by not being able to choose that path, it does feel like it is my fault. It simply does not feel like an option to me, it feels like choosing death if I chose that.

My hope is that this is might work out "well" for my whole family. My kids will have two grandparents living with them and their mom. Also, my parents live 20 minutes away from them so they will see them more often too. My wife will go from being a stay at home mom who was home-schooling and constantly stressed and unhappy, to being able to focus on getting her degree and doing something for herself for a change. While I continue on my transition, I will still get to be a part of their lives and provide for their needs. I won't be able to tuck them in bed anymore, but that was starting to change anyway (ages 11 and 13 now). I will still be a part of their lives, that is if they can forgive me for all of this. I was looking at apartment options a little bit today. It is strange to get excited about having my own space when I think about the sacrifices my wife and kids are about to have to make. It is all so confusing. It feel so tragic and so totally and completely my fault. I go from feeling like the worst person on Earth to wanting to shout to God and the World in my own defense that I JUST WANT TO BE ME.

I would live with my wife and kids (until they had homes of their own) until the day I die if I had my choice. My wife can't see herself staying with me through transition thought and does not want to be married to a woman.

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm sorry to hear that, hon. It is a shame, but if she is sure that she can't live with your transition, then it becomes almost inevitable. It would have been nice if she had given it time to see if the situation would be as bad as she evidently thinks it would be.

I hope that you can at least part on amicable terms, so that you can avoid her turning bitter and making the kids choose between you. That would not be fair to them, or to you. I wish you luck.

((((HUGS))))

Carolyn Marie

[Guest]

HUGGS, Ariana.

I hope you will be able to come to an amicable separation.

Huggs,

Joann

[Guest Jamie61]

Dear Adriana, I am sadden to read your message, understanding how devastating this is to you. I don't know the right things to say because I cannot imagine how difficult a time this must be for you. We are here to listen and know that we care about you, your life and your family. I hope for a bright future where you can truly enjoy your family, as you.

Take care,

Jamie

[Guest Raya]

Arianna, hugs to ya

And a big glass of water, it's hot and tears can dehydrate you too.

Girl, we were just talking about divorce in group tonight- pretty much unanimous that it's better to have 2 healthy single parents than 1 broken couple.

I was separated, then divorced, before I was widowed, and I truly believe it was better for our kids, and for me. For my ex, well there were issues I could not help her through, I tried and could not, and had to separate.

The blame game is really ugly, hopefully it won't be part of the picture. Good to have the therapist available, they will have some hints on helping you all through, especially the kids.

So, hang in there- you will get through this. It'll be tough sometimes for everyone. But, I can tell from your words so far you are trying to love 'em through, keep it up, and don't forget to take care of you!

Praying for you all.

[Guest Christina200]

Ariana,

I feel for you girl. I was absolutely devastated when I got divorced even though my wife had been mentally abusing me for the 16 years of our marriage. I'm now SO much stronger than I was then but it took a lot of time.

I think that you too will adjust to your new situation in time but that it will be painful at times but be strong within yourself and you will come out a better person after your experience. Sometimes you have to let things go, what is happening in your marriage is probably the natural course of events unfolding and no one can stop it.

One thing is for sure though babe - you have got one hell of a lot on your plate with a marriage break up and transitioning at the same time.

I hope you have got some people that can offload on to. I didn't and that was so hard on me.

If you haven't then please write about your frustrations, problems etc here as I'm sure the love and support you will get back will help - even if only a tiny bit.

Chrissy x

[Guest Lara-Saphire]

Huggs Ariana

My wife has said that she doesn't no if she would really want to be married to a women either and that scares me.

I no I love her dearly and can only feel for you as you move forward. I'm not planning on the transitioning as you, at least right now,

but that can change I don't no. I do no that having Laura's as a place I can share how I feel somehow helps me, even If I don't get the answer I want.

That's Ok I'm not alone with those things that trouble me, I don't think it's your fault or anyone elses. Thanks for sharing .

Thanks A Bunch

Love N Hugs

Lara

[Guest JaneShannon]

Arianna,

I live in fear of what you and your wife are going through.

I wish you, and your family, the very very best!!!

JaneShannon

[Charlize]

I'm sorry you are faced with this pain. One thing i hope you will be able to keep in mind is that this is not your fault. You are simply being honest about yourself. We are not to blame for being us any more than the sun is guilty for shinning. I hope thing go as smoothly as possible with as much love as you have always felt for each other and for your children.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest]

I'm sorry to hear this, Ariana. I also fear that if I ever feel the need to venture much further, things may fall apart. I don't wish this upon anyone. I know what you mean about 'causing' issues all too well. I sometimes ponder this whole 'thing'. You just have to realize that it's really not your fault at all and things are what they are. I hope all turns out well.

**HUGS**

-Fiona

[Guest Ladyinker]

Ariana, this is so sad, I am so sorry it has turned out this way. It does seem that this road to happiness is paved with sorrow, but I still feel that it will be worth it in the end. Good luck, and keep your spirits high.

Erin

[Guest ArianaD]

I wanted to update you all - thank you so much for the support and kind words so far.

Things have now flipped, rather than my wife and kids being uprooted and moving to the grandparents, I am looking for an apartment. My wife is kind of the driving force on the separation happening now and also on this change of plans. For my part, well it is my transition that is making her feel like she is in an impossible situation. I do not really want to leave, but we are looking at this as an opportunity to give us both desperately needed space. Is there a chance I will stop my transition and we will get back together? I don't really think so. Even if I stopped my transition, my wife's view of who I am is forever altered. She knows that deep down I do not want to continue living as my old male facade so she can't really reconcile that even if I just "try my best." Eventually we may sell the house, but for now as the single wage earner I will be taking on more side jobs (software development) than ever to finance two households while she starts to look for work and plan what she wants to try to do with her life.

Meanwhile, our kids will continue to be in the only home they have known, with overnight visits with me as often as possible (at least once every two weeks for now is the plan).

We argued a bit on an apartment I like. It is one where I will feel the safest out of anything I have looked at so far, but it is about $100 more per month (nothing to sneeze at). I do feel I can cover that by taking on extra work and by not eating out much.

We also will likely be talking to our kids together about all of this on Saturday. My birthday is Thursday and Father's Day is Sunday. Nice timing huh? We talked with our therapist about it though and just feel that we can't explain that I am moving out without going into the truth about me being transgender. I am terrified, but also ready to have it out in the open so I can talk with my kids about it. They are incredibly intelligent kids and they do adore me (as I them). There may be extreme anger directed at me for quite some time, but I hope that it will all subside into acceptance and understanding.

I do still need prayers for those that are praying for me. Please pray for that discussion with my kids, and for me to find the "right" apartment, and that I can make the rent each month while still shouldering the entirety of my families financial needs (until my wife can start helping).

[Guest Raya]

Wow. Arianna you all will be in my prayers. It seems to be happening so fast!

I'm hoping that you and your wife can somehow express to your children that you need to transition, and that you tried to remain together, but that she cannot accept the large change. It would be sad if all the negatives of separation got dumped on you. Here's hoping both of you can bring grace and truth to the discussion. Grace, and truth, Jesus brought the grace, then, gave out the truth.

And don't forget the positives- your kids will have 2 functioning parents, and you 2 will have some time to be yourselves and grow stronger.

So, big hugs, and may God grant you wisdom and strength and grace for this weekend!

[Guest ArianaD]

All,

Lots of news and little time to write this at the moment. The gist of it.. I found the perfect apartment with a full in-room washer and dryer (no shared coin-op laundry!). It is also a place that will be lots of fun for my kids to visit (indoor year round pool, gameroom, etc). I have preliminary approval on my application and the apartment is now on hold for me so I should get it.

Also, my wife and I are going to talk my kids tomorrow right after lunch. It is terrifying, but I also feel this sense of impending relief that the discussion will finally happen. My wife and I are discussing things in a "friendly" manner. Space planning is her thing and I showed her the floor plan of the one-bedroom apt. I am hoping to get. She immediately said things like, "Oh you could put some stools there for eating and you wouldn't even need to waste space with a dinner table." So much could go right here. I will finally have the space to attempt to be myself full time (i am going to ease into it after having so many changes at once these past few months though, I could use a vacation!). My parents are working to help me with getting a second vehicle (we only had one). I will likely be buying my Mom's car at an outstanding deal while she gets a new one for herself.

Please keep praying, especially for the discussion coming tomorrow. My wife and kids will also be going to her Mom's to stay away for the week on their farm. It will be a great time for my wife to slowly pick their brains on how they are feeling. I am so grateful to her for taking this approach.

Thank you all,

Ari

[Guest]

Don't forget the pennies from your lemonade stand. Scary yes, but no sour lemons yet. Your life is just tangy right now. It may sweeten over time.

Kids are resilient and much more understanding than adults. They love you and you all will work through it probably better than can be imagined.

Oh yes, may I have a large lemonade with lots of ice. It's aready a blast furnace in Arizona. Giggle. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Raya]

Thank you for sharing, it's so good to hear about adults being...well, adults when it comes to helping their children thru the rough spots. I am happy for you, too, sounds like you got a breath of fresh air.

[Guest Jamie61]

Dear Ari,

You have been on my mind these days. I hope you find peace, understanding and acceptance from your family. I think your children have the potential to be much stronger because of your influence and ability to educate them. I pray for you and your family.

Let us know how it's going when your ready.

Take care,

Jamie

[Guest ArianaD]

Well.. they now know. I wrote up a letter to use as a guide as I talked and that helped. I may post it to help others once I change the names in it, etc. However, I barely got the words out about the trial separation (before anything about the reason) and my daughter (13) began crying. This lead my son(11) to also begin crying. It was the kind of out of breath crying and whimpering you never want to hear out of your kids. One went to my wife's lap and the other to mine and we just cried that part out for about 15 to 20 minutes. We gave them re-assurances that we don't hate each other and that we are still their parents and we are going to work together to take care of them.

Once we all stopped crying, I asked them if they would like to know the main reason that we both needed to have this space for now. They both said yes. I described what being transgender is and what the term gender dysphoria means. They reacted with interest rather than with more hurt. They could see how hard it was for me to talk about with them and I think they could sense how serious it is for me. My daughter asked if that meant something like being gay and we explained no it does not. We also explained that there are many misconceptions about what it really is and that there are many hurtful things on the internet about it (so don't google and research it without our help).

I gave my daughter an example of asking what would it feel like for her if someone took her to a hospital and transplanted her brain from her body into a boys body. Then, how would it feel for her to be told, "no, you have a boy's body so you have to only act how boys act and only be interested in what boys are interested in. How would that feel for you? How would your mind cope with knowing your body was all wrong for the mind you have?" I told them that this is how I have felt most of my life. I told them that my mind wants to experience the world in the way that a woman does and that it kind of expects my body to match. They both seemed to understand that example.

I told them it would be okay if they felt angry at me or at their Mom.. to which they profusely told us over and over again that they were not angry. My daughter came over to give me a big hug and told me that she loves me.

Once they "got that," I began to explain what HRT was and when I started it. I also admitted to them that I didn't tell their Mom about it at first because I was hurting badly and made a mistake of not talking to her first. I told them that while the treatment almost immediately helped me with my dysphoria, that it also slowly changes my body to become more feminine in appearance. I expected some raised eyebrows or scared reactions and again it was just a sense of great interest coming from them. Let me pause to just say how amazing my kids are... They are so smart and so compassionate. GOD THANK YOU FOR THEM! I explained that while the hormone treatment helps me greatly, it causes discomfort for their Mom, because she married a man and kind of assumed I would always stay 100% male. Her discomfort with the changes is the primary reason why we need to have some separation and space right now. Again, they just nodded in understanding with dry but puffy eyes.

We proceeded to answer a few more questions from them, which were more about where I would live and how often they would see me. I reassured them too that in addition to regular visits and sleep overs we would do google hangouts (I like it better than skype) and we could play online games together, etc. We talked about the type of apartment I have applied for and my daughter was asking if she could help me decorate. Both of them started to warm to the idea of having another place to call home. I told them that while I understand their excitement about it and that I too look forward to certain aspects of setting up my own space.. I wanted them to know that moving out is still going to be extremely hard for us all, and that we need to keep talking about how we are feeling and we need to keep working together and looking out for each other.

It may be too soon to tell "how they are really doing" but this first day went about as well as it could have I suppose.

Thank you all so much for your good thoughts, feedback, concern, and prayers.

I feel my family may have grown stronger today even though many outside observers will view it as getting weaker.

-Ari

[Carolyn Marie]

As hard as it was to do, Ari, it sounds like you did a wonderful job with your kids. I give credit to your wife, too. I can imagine that you are exhausted from the ordeal, but I suspect that come tomorrow, you'll be glad you had that talk, and it went as well as it did. My bonnet is off to you, hon.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Hannah Emma]

omg you last update made me cry. I can only hope my kids will react the same way. I am so scared of the day I will have to tell them but it will probably happen within a year or less.

I continue to wish the very best for you!

[Guest Christina200]

Ariana,

It must be horrible for you and your family at the moment. Absolutely massive changes going on in all your lives.

Just breaking up is a hugely difficult situation to cope with but with you coming out as transgender at the same time to your kids... - well you deserve all the praise in the world for coping with what must be enormous pressure for you.

Keep strong babe and it will get better I promise. You seem like you will come out at the other end as a much stronger person and as a fantastic woman when you have transitioned.

Wish I could give you a big hug!

Chrissy x

[Guest Raya]

Arianna, I second what Dawn said, I cried a little just reading, and wish you all the best. Sounds like a great start into the future. It can be so heartbreaking working thru separation with kids.

Keep up the good work,(toughest work I ever had) and don't forget to take care of you.

[Guest ArianaD]

My move out/move-in date approaches. I am constantly questioning everything now. I am so scared that I am throwing away relationships or at least damaging them to the point where they will never be fully repaired (including my relationship with my kids). I did not ask to move out, but as family members learn about what is going on with me they quickly just assume this is how I want things too. It is NOT! I feel like rather than having a legacy as a loving father and good husband I will be viewed as having a legacy of self indulgence and putting myself first above everything else. I have never been that way, to the detriment of my own health and happiness I have always put those I love first.

I need to find my center again. I know that as with all people, I should just be able to be who I really am, but the high cost of that has never been more in my face than it is right now. Why do WE as trans people have to pay such a high cost? Why do our kids have to pay such a high cost? Why can't people just love me for who I am?

[Carolyn Marie]

Why do WE as trans people have to pay such a high cost? Why do our kids have to pay such a high cost? Why can't people just love me for who I am?

We should not have to pay that high cost, Ariana. That we too often do is a product of misunderstanding, ignorance, fear and other emotions that are beyond our control. Someday things may change, but for now, the dissolution of marriages will be far too common among couples where one partner is trans. My heart goes out to you. I fully understand how difficult this is, for you, for your family, and I hope that it does not get ugly.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Raya]

Oh, Ariana, I feel what you are saying. I know it hurts to have your intentions so misunderstood.

If I may be so bold as to suggest a rearrangement of a bit of your post:

You HAVE left a legacy as a loving husband and a good father. You HAVE put others first. You did it. It will be remembered.

Your future is yours to shape, and I trust you will put it to good use! I'm smiling for you in case you can't right now.

Group hug for you and the family.