All but official: separation planned today

[Guest]

My children are my champions! We all went down a rocky road together. I became a single parent when my son was a year and a half, now ten, fresh out of diapers.

Half his life he has seen his dad become his mom. My daughter, now a teenager, has taken the change with somewhat more difficulty. Now she is on the same page.

My dear ex said you wanted kids, here you go! Hurt and disbelief racked all of us as Mother's tail lights faded. The death of their father has been completely displaced by the birth of their new mom. As my kids found much more love and nurturing from me, they see clearly that when we love and understand ourselves and can live genuinely, we have so much more to give our children.

You have turned a very important key. Open love, honesty and intelligent information presented at their level is very important. Their self esteem and self worth is elevated as they are in the loop. Most of the adults in my life seldom get it as well because of preconceived notions derived from jaded adult experiences.

Your ultimate reward, same as for me, is an emotionally healthy family. My ex and I having created our children together, will always in many ways be joined at the hip. I am glad we are not a couple anymore. I hope your relationship with your wife never comes to that. You and your family will be ok. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest ArianaD]

Thank you all so much. I am feeling a little better today. Especially after the uplifting evening I had out last night (see other post in this forum).

-Ariana

[Guest ArianaD]

Overdue for an update. A hard situation became even more difficult. I was all set to move to a relatively nice apartment with washer and dryer in-unit (with lease already signed). I called to schedule the pickup of the keys and found out they did not have them. They said they would call me back once they get a hold of the last tenant. Eventually they call to apologize that there has been a mix-up and the apartment that I signed the lease for was actually rented to someone else. This all happened because there was a management company transition between the time I signed my lease and would move-in. Long story short, they have no more of the apartment model that I wanted. I had to call to cancel all of the utilities and my bed delivery too. All of this was happening with me constantly fighting back tears. It was already hard enough preparing myself to leave my family for this separation my wife and I agreed on.

This all got so much worse. I scrambled and signed a new lease on an apartment I didn't even want. I actually had such severe second thoughts about it that I pleaded with the apartment manager to let me out of the lease. Amazingly she did. I told her that the building and laundry room did not feel safe to me. I had actually come out to her as a trans woman before signing the lease because I thought being open about it would be better. It turns out she understood why I wanted an apartment with in-unit laundry while I am transitioning. I lost out on the application fee and counted myself lucky that she had a heart.

I am still hunting for an apartment. Several nights of being up past 2 or 3 am with very little luck. I am using a service now that works with renters and apartment complexes to find just what I am looking for. I am taking a step back from the hunt and moving into my parents house for a couple of weeks. My wife has been patient, but you can understand that it is hard on both of us to agree to a separation and then to not have it actually take place for over a month. My parents are going to Seattle for a week so during that time I will house sit for them and have some quiet to recuperate.

I will be finishing packing tomorrow (everything has been mostly packed for over a week because I was prepped to go into my phantom apartment).

My friends keep telling me it will get better. Well.. I am sure ready to see that time.

A bright spot yesterday.. I was in male mode as I still will be most of the time until I am in my own place.. I had styled my Curly Bob (which is very feminine for a guy, but I am past caring about that - it looks good on me and it is how my hair is meant to look) and went to Starbucks before going to see an apartment. The girl at the checkout was very friendly and as I was walking away to pickup my coffee, she said "By the way, I love your hair! Love the curls!" I smiled warmly back and told her thank you. The few of people that were in line behind me all turned to look and took notice of it too. I saw two nice smiles from the ladies and a squint from the guy. LOL He didn't know what to make of it I think, but all in all I found it validating. I was thinking.. that's right people should notice, it is beautiful hair no matter the perceived gender of the person it is attached to

For those praying for me, the dreaded day is finally here. I move out this weekend. I probably won't be done until Sunday. My kids will take this hard and I only hope I can get through it without bawling in front of them. They have seen me cry so it would not be the end of the world, but I do not want them to feel like they are losing me forever based on my tears. Things are changing. Hopefully, eventually we will find a happier place than ever, even on this Earth.

Thank you all,

-Ariana

[Guest]

Thank you for the update! Isn't this the best place to get it out? Always has been for me.

I have to say in my locale, the ladies get me far better than the guys do. That's ok with me! Giggle.

Moving is always a pain! I wish you well. The upside is decorating your homey new place to reflect you. Run with it girlfriend! Hig. JodyAnn

[Guest suden]

I.ve been wondering how you have been. Your right about your hair I love it too. Moving to your parents home sounds like a good move. A safe place to land for a time. I have faith in you and time will work out the details.

It,s hard to make changes with kids. I think having kids hold allot of people back even if their not trans. Staying true to your self is best for everyone. Hope the hunt for a good apartment works out!

Eden

[Charlize]

Thanks for the update. Sorry it has been such a horrible ordeal but your friends are right. It will get better. At least your hair is curling perfectly!

Good luck in your apartment search.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest jeri1973]

Adriana,

I am so sorry for the struggles that you have had to go through. However, I hope that you will take pleasure in the fact that you have given me an idea what to expect. My wife and I decided last Friday night that we are heading toward separation as well as divorce. I am in a very conservative job that I know will not accept transition. As a matter of fact they don't accept divorce as it is a ministry position.

I am in the process of looking for a job and then a place to live close to where I will be working. I plan on starting my RLE pretty soon after moving into my new place.

Thanks for the updates and I will continue to update you on mine. Maybe we can be an ecouragment to each other through our transition. Also, know that I am praying for you and I ask that you pray for me.

Jeri

[Guest ArianaD]

Thank you Jeri, and btw it is Ariana, someone was typing fast above and used the wrong name I think

Quick Update: I am moving to my new apartment this Friday so a new chapter is definitely beginning. I also came out to my brother and will be posting about that in a new topic in a minute.

I will look for your posts as well.

[CiCi_73]

Hi Ari,

We are so totally in the same place. I read your original post and saw my own situation. My wife also decided that she couldn't stay married to me, and I too felt like I broke the most beautiful thing in my life. I've had so many bad days since then, just trying to get through a work day has at times been close to impossible. I went through so much self loathing over what I (perceived) I did to her and to our (future) life together.

She moves out not this weekend but next, and that is going to be hard, but I'm trying to be understanding. Then I'm going to deal with selling the house (also hard, it represents to me our life together) and then I'll have to find a place to live.

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you, and I hope we both land on our feet, so much change so quickly seems really hard to deal with. I don't think I'd have made it through without my therapist, that's for sure.

Sending my love,

Courtney

[VickySGV]

Ariana & Courtney -- Just a word from an old, long time divorcee that I hope can give each of you some hope for the times ahead. When my marriage came apart back in the 1980's I was as devastated as you are. Our reasons were not (on the surface) my GD, but never the less were in my mind were on par with what I hear from GD split ups. What I have learned since then is that I was "in love with the marriage" but not specifically my ex-wife. She had bi-polar disorder, and the ability for us to interact with each other had been compromised, and it had been for nearly two years at the time we separated. The partnership had been failing visibly to other people, and there had been changes in how we worked as a team that were becoming rather nasty. Still though, I was "in love with the marriage" and that blinded me to reality. Today I can see that, and now realize I had been in love with something that had ceased to exist. We can omit several volumes of what I believed a marriage to be, and what I held in grief long after the decree of divorce. I blamed me rather heavily, but it turns out there was really no blame to be had on either side. What the two of us had idealized as a marriage was not really more than our love of the idea of having a marriage, but the marriage, no matter how dear to us, had been air and bright lights that changed in time. Each one needs to look at them selves and check to see how all that worked in your lives.

My ex and I are still "family members" and neither of our families had cast out the other one, but we are two individuals and more of her remaining family has accepted me as Trans* than my own has. LOL. We discuss the three adult children we had, and the children speak equally with both of us. (Maybe I get a bit more attention since I have more money in retirement.)

It is OK that the marriages you are leaving behind were the air and bright lights dreams, that life on its own terms just did not see. Look at it that way and you can grow and become alive.

[CiCi_73]

Hi Vicky,

Thanks, I will consider your words carefully, it's always helpful to have more insight.

Courtney

[Guest ArianaD]

Well, all of my stuff is now in my apartment. That last car load.. that is when the emotions started just coming out sideways from my kids, my wife and I. It was very intense. We were all walking around still doing the task at hand but we all had that look in our eyes like we were there but not really there. It was too much for any of us to process. There was one final hanger in the closet that had all of my old ties on it (haven't had to wear those for work in years thank goodness). I said I didn't want them anymore. My son and my wife got into it because he was firing his nerf guns all over the place (getting some aggression out), but he was firing them close to others who were not wearing eye protection (a long standing rule). So, he lost all of his nerf guns (for a time) and I backed my wife up on the decision. This all happened just as I was about to walk out the door. So he was spitting mad at losing one of his favorite toys. I asked him to give me a hug goodbye and he said no to me. That had to be the first time he ever refused to give me a hug. It was too much and I had to get into the bathroom to let the tears fall. I have an amazing relationship with both of my kids. It is starting to change though and that is the hardest part of all of this. The change in my relationship with my wife has been so gradual and also guided in the last year (with a counselor) that it is just not hurting as much yet.

Seeing the disappointment when my son asks at every opportunity if he can come stay the night at the apartment and I have to tell him no..

My wife and I agreed to a schedule for that because she home schools them. If I let him stay on a school night it can throw the whole week off because he won't be able to focus the next day.

This is so hard and so not fair for anyone involved.

I look back and try to find the point at which I set this course for my life and I realize that there is not one particular decision. My wife would say that it was when I chose to go on HRT, because for her that was pretty much the thing that made it too hard for her to stay with me. The decision to begin HRT was for me about surviving and just following the path laid before me. It was suddenly just "RIGHT" to start HRT and I knew it.

I don't know what else to say. I have already had moments where I just stop unpacking and cry and just don't want to be here.. but then I stop and remind myself that I am finally just simply being honest.. with myself.. with my family.. with my friends.. I did not choose to abandon anyone. I am still supporting my wife and my kids. I am not just disappearing from my kids' lives (God willing and praying for good health!).

After I wiped away the tears (mostly), I went to the kitchen to grab my travel coffee mug that I almost forgot. I gave my daughter a hug and my wife a hug. My wife indicated "1 minute" with her finger as she went upstairs. She talked my son into coming down to give me a hug. He could see my bloodshot eyes and I could see his. We hugged and I left.

I left.. Heaven forgive me. Even though my wife asked for this.. even though I didn't want it to be the solution it is here now. I was the one to get an apartment and leave so they could stay in the house one more year and finish home schooling for at least that year. Next year they will both be at an age when they can start school at a time when all of the other kids would be starting something new too (my daughter starting high school and my son starting middle school). For the next year I will be supporting them and keeping the house costs paid all while trying to keep an apartment and "second household" running. My wife is going to start looking for work, but for now it is all on me.

Thank you all for listening and please keep the prayers coming, prayers for rest, for strength, for my wife and kids, for lots of great moments with my kids.. and also for Ariana who will slowly start to spread her wings once the shock of all of this wears down.

-Ari

[Guest Raya]

Hi Ariana, Hope you got some great rest after all that. My daughter and her hubby just got done moving out of my place, (other issues) so I didn't have to do the moving! Kinda like being single again, again.

Heaven doesn't need to forgive you for this, girl. It would be a sin to live in denial and all conflicted, being less than you. I'll keep praying for you and your family as y'all work thru this, it's not wrong but it is hard!

And hey, ditch the unpacking and fly a little. May God grant us soft landings.

hugs and a backrub

[Guest Jamie61]

Hi Ariana, I will continue to pray for you and your family ( and every family 'displaced' by transition). I think about your experiences especially when I hear advice from people about how easily some of these transition tasks could be accomplished ( I have few supporters that think a transition is like a weekend project, and maybe it can be for some, but not for me). Separating from your family life must be a very difficult thing to process indeed. I hope everyone can find a peaceful arrangement to share and enjoy their families.

Jamie