This is hard!

[Guest JuliaJem]

After introducing myself onto the forums, I've been slinking around and reading a little here and there.

I have loved reading about the unique experiences of all the different individuals here.

I am personally afraid to put myself out there as I deal with a lot of anxiety and doubt in general. So writing this is even hard for me to do, so here I go.

Growing up I was always attracted to what are considered traditional feminine things. I would spend time playing with my sister's dolls, and I would try on my mother's clothes. In the shower I would tuck my penis and imagine what it would be like to be a girl. It was frankly, wonderful!

In middle school, I eventually worked up the courage to walk to the mall and some how fought through all of my anxiety to by myself a pair of panties, but a form of guilt would catch up with me and eventually I would throw them away. I would repeat the process into hight school, and even somehow work up the courage to ask my mom if I could buy myself a pair of lady undergarments. She was mortified! It was never brought up again.

In high school, I had a cousin who lived with us and on the occasion I would dress up in her clothes and feel fabulous!

I remember in high school that I would daydream after I was done that I would get my own place and I would get to dress up as a woman all the time.

I even remember doing the COGATI test during high school wanting so desperately to be told I was a woman.

Through college and afterewards, until recently this was really out of my mind as I focused on school and work, and being a person I believed I needed to be.

I since the beginning of the new year began to wear lady undergarments again, and have broadened it to wearing a more complete ensemble, while dabbling in make up and the like. It has been heaven for the past few weeks as I have been able to wear my clothes around the house as my roomates have been gone. In doing so my head feels a lot clearer and I've been more motivated to accomplish things.

I came out to my brother awhile back, and he was amazing about it. He told me that he wants me to be me. As for the rest of my family and friends it is going to take sometime. It means so much that I can open myself up here, because everyone is encouraging and accepting. This is going to be one heck of a journey.

Love,

Julia

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Julia! I relate to what you said about dressing, about the freedom and clarity it brings: "In doing so my head feels a lot clearer and I've been more motivated to accomplish things."

And, yes, this is hard. I definitely have found that this is hard. I've also found that there is much joy in this... that in embracing my femininity, I embrace the world, which hugs back--whether or not individual people do. There's just something incredibly beautiful about living a in a true way when you've been living under layers of falsehoods for so long.

Wishing you strength and much joy!

Charlotte

[Carolyn Marie]

When most of us have started out on this journey, a "bundle of nerves" would be an apt description of how we felt. You aren't any different in that regard, Julia. It is not easy, for certain. But it can be done, it can be educational, exciting, fun, terrorizing, anxiety-filled, rewarding, horrifying, and a source of great joy as well as sadness and guilt. What parts of those feelings you emphasize, and what will come to define you the most, is within your control.

We can't tell you what you will experience. We can only offer a bit of guidance and a lot of support and understanding. I hope that you do continue to ask questions and seek whatever guidance you need. We'll help all we can, because you are one of us, and you are family.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

It is a hard but also a wonderful journey. Glad you are here with others who do understand. I found that reading and posting here helped me greatly.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest LesleyAnne]

Oh my goodness how we understand........

The more bios here that you read the more you realize that your past and present experiences, trepidations, and all of what you are feeling now are not unique to us here at Laura's. You will see the connections that we share, and hopefully it will garner you courage from some of us that have gone before you to share more.

The road is already paved for you albeit a bit bumpy

[Guest JuliaJem]

Than you all for the encouragement!

I find as I move forward on this journey that I'm pretty excited!

I am working up the courage to go participate in a transgender discussion group this evening. I've been putting it off for a few weeks because of anxiety.

So it is time for me to take the plunge!

Hugs,

Julia

[CiCi_73]

Hi Julia,

Yes it is hard. I went through so many years denying my feeings about myself. Once I acknowledged them, and the first time I went for the full transformation (wig, makeup, breastforms, cute dress with tights, etc) I was in heaven. But then the contrast with "real life" becomes even more drastic.

This is all still very new to me (even though I've been dressing to some extent since I was young). I am also going to my first gender support group next Friday. I hope it goes well for both of us.

Courtney

[Cyndee]

Here's to you finding peace and true happiness in life Julia

I can certainly relate to the parts of your story of building up the courage to go buy yourself panties and bras. I can still recall the conversations with the sales ladies back then, and the knowing looks on their faces. I can recall the sheer joy of leaving the store with the goods (mine !). BTW I still have the first bra I ever bought for myself almost 40 years ago, a little soft cup, satin and lacy item, it's special, because it represents courage !

Best of luck with the support groups, I am most certain they will help you.

Hugs

Cynthia -