So Very Tired of Hiding

[Guest Charlotte J.]

On Friday, I meet with a gender therapist for the first time. This cannot come soon enough.

I have been very busy with family, friends, and volunteer work, and a consequence of that is that I've been dressing less. I dress only in private. I am getting fed up with dressing only in private. I am getting fed up with having to wipe lipstick off before I walk out the door. I am getting fed up with feeling like I have to secretly apply lipstick in odd moments to ease my dysphoria.

After a period of gender euphoria, I thought I had reached a plateau of sorts and that I could act more authentically in the world. And this has been true; I've been out working on social issues in my community--but not OUT, you know. Still playing into the misgendering game, misgendering myself, hiding myself because I don't even know how to begin to navigate a public coming out.

I was able to dress and stay dressed for about a half hour this morning. That eased some of the irritability that has crept in over the weekend and past week. It's not enough.

Friday cannot come soon enough.

[Guest CallMeAsh]

Hey Charlotte,

Really glad to hear your appointment has finally come through =) A lot of what you've said resonates, it can be so impossibly hard.

I hope this appointment goes wonderfully well, I'll be thinking of you.

Ash

[Guest Raya]

Charlotte, long distance hugs for you, I can feel your pain from here.

Even while I was still trying to suppress my feminine self, I expressed in my mens group that I wanted to be one person, integral. I've had enough pain from being split. My God, that conversation occurred only last year.

I'm still split, but the pain has lessened. I once had a bad fall, nearly life ending. At first, I was badly broken but numb and didn't feel it. When the numbness wore off, I wanted my morpheine-now. And began to wonder if I'd walk again . Now, I'm not supposed to run anymore, but I can walk, and dance.

So,the dysphoria analogy; I'm glad (very glad) I got past the numbness, I'm off the meds, in the rehab phase of transition. It's freedom enough for now.

I will never be as complete a woman as one who grew up from a girl, but that's ok, as long as I can dance a little.

So, hang in there, I read your words about feeling better already, so you know you are growing stronger.

Sometimes rehab is a real, literal pain. Work thru it, we're gonna dance someday!

[Guest suden]

Hi Charlotte- I'm so happy for you finding a therapist. I.ve seen mine every week for nine months. Started as a safe place to talk and find my self. Help me except who I am and I'm a much happier and health person.

I started dressing at my meeting with her that feels wonderful. I wish you all the joy in the world. Eden

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks, all three of you. I'm feeling a good deal better now, largely from getting a chunk of time while my family is out of town to pursue my interests and, yes, stay dressed and made up as long as I want to. It is still bizarre to me how seeing myself and going about my business dressed eases my mind and lifts my mood. While it doesn't seem as much of a revelation as it did a few months ago, it does continue to make me happy.

I am looking forward to Friday, but no longer feeling quite as stressed.

[Guest CallMeAsh]

Really pleased to hear you're feeling a bit better =) it does feel bizarre actually dressing/acting/being the part, I've been finding that, but oh that wonderful feeling of self acceptance!

Best of luck tomorrow, really so glad you're feeling better about the whole thing.

Take care of yourself =)

[Charlize]

Charlotte i hope you will be able to open up with your therapist and share what you share here. I remember being a bit guarded at first but somehow the floodgates opened and things just flowed. I couldn't wait for the next session. I may have left wondering at what my path would be but i left also feeling lighter, with less shame, and happy to find out more about my journey.

Therapy doesn't solve everything but it certainly helped me and i'm sure will help you as well.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks, Charlize. The session today was good. I got some local resources and contact names, doctor ref, and some coping suggestions. I really liked the therapist and felt comfortable opening up. I laid out as much as I could within 50 minutes about my history, my feelings about gender, how I became conscious of my dysphoria in my thirties, and contemplated how my dysphoria and my general sensitivity and disillusionment with society are difficult for me to disentangle. I emphasized that my dysphoria is more emotional than physical. We discussed HRT. All in all, I'd say that's a good first session. Didn't schedule another appointment; one wasn't suggested... which is fine, because I'm not in a hurry.

I really think, for me, I've got to delve into what level of transition, what level of feminine gender expression do I need? I've been actively exploring this for about three months now. The initial euphoria has worn off, but... this week I had a lot of time to be femme around the house, and that just does feel so right. And having that time when I'm dressed helps me feel at ease when I go out, even though I'm presenting as male outside the house, except for minor accessories like colorful socks, extra rings, or a bracelet.

So today we talked about ways to be at ease expressing myself--and I definitely was not at ease expressing myself for a long period of my life. I think that period is ending, which is incredible. The period I'm entering now is one of self-actualization, contrasted to the period of self-denial that was my adolescence and my twenties. My thirties have been sort of an in-between time where I've gained a lot of confidence and become much more articulate about my views. At the end of my thirties now, I'm ready to risk being myself and become more myself; and the more I do this, the less risky it seems. Because it's right. This is who I am--not "Charlotte" necessarily, but not "Mr." either.

I'm more and more identifying as non-binary, which is kinda tricky around here in these parts. I'm going to keep pushing the envelope slowly.

[Guest Raya]

Charlotte,it sounds like you had a great day. Self actualization.Risking being yourself. Awesome!

[Charlize]

No binary is not a bad thing at all even if society may have more difficulty accepting that than a man or a woman. It sounds like your session gave you a great deal to think about. This is certainly not a rush and just finding some peace within yourself is all any of us (including cis people) can ask.

Hugs,

Charlize

[CiCi_73]

Hi Charlotte,

Your posts have given me hope ... I have a consultation with a (potentially) new therapist who (in theory) specializes in gender issues. My current guy is not an expert and though I like him I feel like the gender issues are at the core of everything I started seeing him about (depression, life dissatisfaction, troubles with my relationship with my SO).

I also dress all the time now, having told my SO about my crossdressing. I'm finding that I am only happy when I am dressed. Makes me wonder if I am more than CD? This is what I hope to resolve with the therapist, but I have to say in a perfect world if I could snap my fingers and become a girl, I would. So confused. Really, after wandering the planet for a little over 50 years, you'd think maybe I'd have figured out at least this much?

Sorry for the digression. Your success and your feelings just really struck a chord with me.

Courtney