I think I have lost my mind!

[Guest]

I wish I knew what is happenning in my head. How can I simultaneously feel male and female. It is driving me insane. For as long as I am awake, my mind is spinning in two opposite directions at the same time. It is tearing me apart. It is so confusing being like this. I have lived most of my life (almost 43 years) with these feelings, but I have somehow been able to manage and keep them suppressed. For the most part I have been pretty happy. I have a wonderful wife, who I cannot imagine life without.

I don't know what has recently snapped in my mind, but I no longer seem able to contain these feelings. I am trying to figure out if this is really happenning, or if this is some kind of delusional fantasy. I feel like I am stuck somewhere between a dream and reality. If this is really happening to me, I don't want to lose everything in my life. How can I stop having these feelings? I cannot seem to function anymore. All I ever think about is that I should have been born a girl, and then I spend just as much effort in telling myself that I should stop this crazy though process and be the man I'm supposed to be.

I no longer know what or who I am. I'm pretty sure I could live a normal happy life if I could stop having these thoughts in my mind. If i'm truly transgendered, would I not have know this as a child?

Jayne

[Cyndee]

How can I stop having these feelings?

Perhaps finding outlets to express these feelings where it's safe rather than suppressing them might be considered. Are you seeing a therapist ? If not might be time to consider one. Only speaking for myself, I could not wish these feelings away, I tried over decades, marriage, family, career, male activities, did not fix this.

If i'm truly transgendered, would I not have know this as a child?

Many folks find self realization later in life, nothing unusal.

Jayne

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest]

Hi there Cynthia,

I do want to see a therapist. I'm currently on a 3 month waiting list to get in to see a gender therapist. That seems like a lifetime away. I have also booked myself in to see a generic therapist later this week. Hopefully that will help me a little in the mean time. I also visit this website regularly. Lots of nice people here willing to help which is helpful.

What confuses me more is that I'm not attracted to men. I am married to a wonderful woman who I am very attracted to and love very very much. So does that make me a lesbian? This is truly messing with my head and my sanity.

Jayne

[VickySGV]

Whether or not you are Lesbian is the least of the worries here and now. The big problem is that this is spinning you around like a milk separator at the local dairy plant. Your marriage is based on much more than sex, if indeed it is wonderful and while sex is nice, it again is the least of the issues.

The fact that this is now distracting you and consuming your life is taking away from your love and feelings for your spouse. Accepting that you do have the feelings is step one. Step two is accepting that you are not going to get rid of them. Step three is to put your imagination of the "what can happens" of the terrible type into neutral gear for the time being. All of those things will have to be dealt with, but the things that will be a problem two years from now need to wait the two years. So, wait and put them at the back of your mind. Yes you are dealing with CHANGE and that is horrifying, but change has a cycle of events, and if you learn to deal with each of these events one at a time, life will be manageable. That is ONE of the goals of therapy by the way. You do need to take this one day at a time, I will be 6 years old tomorrow as far as Hormone Therapy goes, and the 2191 days I have been on it, have been one at a time, but it accumulates, and life is manageable.

[LavaPrincess]

Let it out:) be yourself if your wife loved you she will understand

[Charlize]

There have been such good advice given already. Therapy helped me as did the acceptance that despite my best intensions my issues wouldn't disappear. A slow process of dealing with things day by day has brought some peace of mind. It has also helped me to find what has been illusive in my life....honesty. I have to be honest about my feelings.

It is a bit awkward to admit that i am a lesbian and i certainly don't shout it from the rooftops, but i'm not ashamed either.

We deal best with problems when we have to deal with them and you'll do fine if you go at this at it's own pace, slowly....day by day. My mind can multiply everything in the past or future but i'm able to get through today and i'm more likely to enjoy it if i stay present in the present.

Hugs,

Charlize

[CiCi_73]

Hi Jayne,

I tried to suppress my desires for years. I was on a good run of not being too obsessed for about the first 6 years of my marriage (I thought I had "conquered" it - whatever "it" was - HA!). But the thoughts came back, the behavior came back, the cycle of dress / purge followed by guilt / shame / self loathing came back. Once I gave in and decided that this was part of me, things got a bit better (at least the obsessing over it). Then, discovering that it was not uncommon (thank you, internet) finally helped me gain some perspective.

But all is not perfect. When I finally came out to my wife of 14 years she was devastated. We're slowly working through the feelings but it looks like right now we won't likely be married in the future. I'm not sharing this to add to your fears. Everyone has a different reaction. And we'd been having problems in the marriage way before my coming out to her. I believe these problems stemmed from my keeping my femme self secret for so long.

Hope you find some resolution. I know how much pain the spinning thought thing can cause. I hope this helps.

Best,

Courtney

[MarcieMarie12]

CiCi, I was with my wife for 2 years married three, and a year or two before that with what I call managable urges. I.E. I'd occasionally imagine it on me as a female. Of course it took me 42 years of my life to realize that I am not CIS, and I am ok with what I am whatever that turns out to be.

Edited July 17, 2015 by Charlize
word added at members request

[MarcieMarie12]

Let me rephrase it took 42 years to realize I am CD and am ok with that. There might be more to it though.