Moving Forward: Talking, Connecting, Testing

[Guest Charlotte J.]

The past two weeks have been packed. One week was spent with my dysfunctional family of origin, and I am not even going to talk about that here. Y'all get the good stuff.

On Friday, July 3rd, I met with a gender therapist for the first time. I wrote about that here. He suggested several things to me, two of which I've done this week: 1) connect with the local trans group and 2) ask my doctor to test my hormone levels to see what my baseline is. Yesterday, I reached out to the trans group. I am going to attend a meeting on Friday evening. Today I had a regular check up with my doctor. I was hesitant to ask for the hormone test, because if I did I decided that I needed to tell her why. Last night I was leaning toward talking with her about it; this morning I was thinking, too much too soon.

My regular check-ups are largely for medication maintenance for anti-depressants. She asked me the routine question about if the medication is working, side effects. And I told her that it was fine, but... and then I started to tell her about being trans*--because my feelings of depression are absolutely entangled with that. We had a good conversation. She has worked with FtM patients before and collaborated with the gender therapist that I saw (I did not know this and now wish I would have asked the GT if he knew about my Dr.--that would have given me more confidence in breaking the ice). She was respectful, supportive, and agreed that hormone testing would be a good place to start. After a brief discussion, we decided that she would test testosterone and prolactin, but would not test estrogen at this point for insurance reasons. Apparently prolactin is something the pituitary gland secretes that makes women lactate (and a lot of you probably already know that)... "So help me understand what testing for that would do?" I asked. I didn't quite follow what she said and should have clarified more, but basically I think her concern was that elevated prolactin levels could cause medical problems in a male body. I saw it as a place to start, because I'm interested in knowing if there is something atypical about the hormone levels in my body. I should have test results late this week or early next, and will see her again in three months if not before.

I felt really good leaving the doctor today. Really good. Like gender euphoria good. Like being visible good. That combined with the connection with the local group has really boosted my mood, which was a bit depressed after the stress of the family visit.

Just wanted to share a bit of my happiness. I haven't been around here much lately but hope to have some time to catch up on threads in the coming days.

[Guest suden]

Hi Charlotte, Sounds like you had a great day! A good therapist is a must for keeping on your own path. I wish you meany more good days!

thanks for sharing Eden

[Guest Opal]

Hi Charlotte! That is really good news, and nice to hear that you were able to have a really good conversation with your doctor. I imagine that your Friday evening get-together will also go well.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest]

Well, prolactin can be a secondary indicator of estrogen. That is a way to get a small clue without an actual estrogen test. Small levels in males isn't critically harmful, though I'm not a doctor.

On the other hand my prolactin was off the schizang and I got very sick. Too many hormones make their own imbalances. This is why self medication is a very dangerous roulette game. Playing with a sixgun with three loaded chambers.

My prolactin elevation started originally when I started lactating. It lowered when I dried up. Prolactin will now always be a part of me. It just needs to be monitored and controlled like other women.

Congrats on your journey. Hug. JodyAnn

[Charlize]

You certainly got through a lot in a short time. Having your doctor on board along with your endocrinologist is wonderful! blood tests for hormone levels is critical.. i'm due for one next week before going through some surgery which will radically change my levels. Having expert help through all of this helps lower the risks. Risk free? No, but so much safer and more effective as well.

Hugs,

Charlize

[gennee]

Thank you for sharing the good news with us, Charlotte.

[Guest]

More about prolactin can be found at asklenore.com breastfeeding.

One other thing, when all the boy glands turn off and the girl glands turn on in HRT our bodies assimilate female, with all the female health issues. Some medical people tend to treat us in a male context, with only partial results. They are treating in the context of our age. Assuming many female aspects could never apply to us.

That may be erroneous as in HRT we are in a second puberty which may imply we are in the body changes of a much younger woman.

I can't speak on younger or teen transitions, I have not done that type research that and I'm not an example. Hug. JodyAnn

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

I went to the trans* group last night. I had such a sense of peace and homecoming listening to others and telling my own truths. I'd say there were about 20 people there ranging in age from early 20s to 60s. Some very outspoken trans women who came out and up in less accepting times. Some very sweet and unimposing trans women. Some folks who appeared to be questioning, exploring, non-binary. Some, mostly younger, trans men who were full of confidence, courage, and life. I could only stay for about 40 minutes and wish I could have stayed much longer. I am really looking forward to going back next month and hopefully will be able to stay longer.

So empowering and encouraging to meet other trans* folk. Amazing to be in a room full of us! Up until last night, my contact with the trans* community has been extremely limited--online and simply in passing trans individuals out and about. I've been so isolated, and it felt incredibly affirming to talk and simply be in a space with other trans* people.

I'm proud of the strides I've made in the past little while. The more steps I take, the more certain I am that this is real, that I am trans*. My confidence is building, and with it my strength. For so long, I have been weak--and that's not meant to be self-disparaging; just facts. All through my teens and twenties I had this profound sadness, this sense of hopelessness and futility and despair. I tried many, many things to cope with and overcome that depression, and everyone of them--save the excesses of drugs and alcohol--helped. But I had to gain so much strength through therapy, through medication, through building healthy relationships, through reading and writing, meditation, and conversation before I was even able to embrace myself.

It's hard being trans*. It's hard, but this is who I am, and I am happier than I've been in a long time now that I am embracing this.

And thank you to everyone here. Coming here and processing my own issues through reading others' stories and writing my own was an essential key in getting to where I am right now.

[Charlize]

Thank you for sharing Charlotte. Support groups can be magic and very empowering. We spend our lives hiding in shame and fear. Getting out into the light with others opens us to acceptance of who we are. I also found that it wasn't easy but life has improved beyond my wildest dreams in subtle but often wonderful ways. Honesty alone has been perhaps the biggest gift.

Your path will continue to smooth with time.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Guest Raya]

Hi Charlotte, it's good to have you back!

I'm so happy for you in the strides you've made.

Charlize, I'll second what you said about honesty.

Honesty spawned bravery and they killed the secrecy.

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks Charlize and Raya.

Feeling a bit down today. Worn out. Can't tell exactly how much is from just the hectic pace of life right now and how much is trans*.

I got my lab results back from the doctor and am struggling with a feeling of disappointment. Labs are normal--testosterone is middle of the road and prolactin is normal. I guess I was really hoping that those tests would provide some medical evidence for how I feel. That was a misplaced hope and probably naive. I'm sure many trans* people have "normal" hormone levels for their assigned gender.

Just trying to figure out what the next step is, I guess. I've been so busy that I haven't been dressing around the house. I suspect that has something to do with how crummy I feel.

Ah well, I will try to shake this case of the poor me blues. Just need a little time and space to breathe and be...

[Guest Opal]

Back when I first started seeing a therapist, I took a test for testosterone levels figuring it would come back low, but it was in the normal range. Some pre-HRT MTFs even run a high level of 'T'. It is one of the reasons that frequent lab monitoring needs to be done whenever one is on HRT.

Huggs,

Opal

[Guest Charlotte J.]

Thanks, Opal. Yeah, I don't know exactly what made me think/hope that my hormone levels would be abnormal or why I seemed to believe that I needed that to validate being trans*. Silly, really. I think I've just been feeling pretty stressed by life activity (I'm an introvert and I need downtime and I haven't been getting it!), which put me in a vulnerable state after working up that weird hope and having it dashed.

I should know and do know that I don't need some external validation for being trans*.