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JJ BLOSSOM

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Hi I'm JJ, 25 years old, MTF & meth addict going on 7 yrs now...eeveryone is free to comment on this not that it will get.me to change I've done jail time probation counseling rehab & I yet still i always find myself with.the pipe in my fingers again I stayed clean for 3 months so I could see my therapist to get on my hormones & that's the longest in 7 years I've went...don't get me wrong is not that I planned on using Meth again after I got what I needed (believe me I've said I'm done so many times & I believe myself).I'll throw my bags scale pipes bongs away & truly intend to not look back but I get going about my life refusing to look for it & it litterally always comes & flops right in my lap & i go on a binge for anywhere from a week to months of just constant non stop use I've lost all my friends not because they know I'm trans but I'm a different person than I used to be but cryatal Meth keeps me company, stealing the hottest clothing & attire from stores, spending all night tweaking out on my makeup infrot of the mirror & when I was still experimenting try in to decide if I was cross dresser or Trans, meth made it possible for me to work all day then dress up all night I know I've already caused considerable amounts of damage to my health & body with my drug use trying to drown.my feelings living in denial refusing to accept that I really want to be a woman.day to day life for me is uphill seems like between my addiction, depression, anxiety I'm always thinking about my surgery wishin it was going down sooner & loneliness not having friends or family to talk to because no one understands how it feels to be Trans unless you're Trans as well that's why I'm telling you who read this add me as a friend if you want I need your support you're my people &.I'm proud to be transcended & excited for the beautiful woman I am to become! Please let me hear your thoughts & feedback maybe Sone of you have or are struggling with addition too

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  • Admin

It was not Crystal for me, but Alcohol which was my attempt to kill myself. I had seen my mother die from Alcoholic Liver syndrome and while I knew she suffered with it, my suffering from GD made what she went through seem the less evil. I was hurting that badly.

This was my first post here on the subject of my addiction, and if you search the Addiction forums, you can read plenty of my stories of how my life has progressed, and there are quite a few of them. I am now at 6 years and 9 months sober, I am post transition, and post op.

http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=33881

This was my post last October on my "Birthday" and there are others in between. http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=64115

Today I am the moderator over in Chat for an AA/NA/ <whatever>A chat on Sunday evenings at 9PM eastern time where you or any Trans* addict that want to can come for online action toward recovery. You are not alone, and there is hope. When you get 5 posts here you can use our Personal Messenger feature here, and I do have others on the forum who PM me from time to time about their fights with addiction, and we do talk the same language. IRL, I do have Trans* friends who are recovering tweakers and who are also Co-dependents from families where addiction was the rule and the terror. Welcome to the Playground, I am some others will be very glad to take part with you "on the road to happy destiny" as Bill W. puts it in the Promises of AA.

PS-this post also can be a fun and relevant read-- Enjoy ---http://forum.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=63903

Edited by VickySGV
added PS in lieu of second post
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Wow..Jody Ann, Vickie.....I sincerely thank you for not only your great input advice & insight but also & just as meaningful thank you for your support & friendliness it really set the mood & I'm starting off in the right state

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  • Root Admin

Hello JJ,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. We're here to help in any way we can so don't be afraid to ask questions. :)

MaryEllen

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome JJ. There a many of us that have experience with addictions. I hope you can join us on a Sunday. I used a good bit of meth but managed to leave that behind after an almost fatal injection. Alcohol became my drug of choice by the end.

Sobriety has helped me to come to grips with my gender issues.

Hugs,

Charlize

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I really appreciate all of you!!! This is The close knit sisterhood I've only dreamed of... I amongst friend's & I can be me & be honest..Im open to attend the online NA.... I'll be honest tho I attended AS & NA while in a luxury rehab center 30 day in patient for $45,000.00...& I still managed to be right back in this mess I'm juggling thru jobs I'm in a bad spot from any angle yyou look at it.my& yet I'm sitting here doing my nails...& smokin tweak.letting my troubled mind worrying about fixin everything

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  • Forum Moderator

I thought i would share this with you JJ.

458.gif
July 28

"AA may or may not get me to heaven, but it surely got me out of hell."

"Something Revolutionary," Nairobi, Kenya, April 1998
AA Around the World: Adventures in Recovery

I'm no longer in hell thanks to AA. As far as i know this living as myself in some kind of peace is as close to heaven as i'll get. If so it's certainly good enough.

Join us here and if you are interested there are also trans. AA Skype meetings several times a week that i attend and enjoy with my brothers and sister around the world.

Hugs,

Charlize

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Ive known quite a few people who will tell you they owe there lives to NA CA AA when everything.else had failed this simple program & thouroughly working the 12 steps they were finally equipped with the tools needed to take back there lives. I agree... there's no doubt in my mind that if i wouldve kept callin my sponsor goin to meetings & kept workin on my 12 steps I would be in a much different place instead I got on the plane to head home from rehab & I.drank on the plane ride home I got home & didn't even look into where the meetings in my area we're held but I thought hell I don't need there cult to stay clean, afterall I was so happy with my life after 23 yrs of self loathing confusion pain isolation & silence I was finally on my way transitioning all it took was running into an old buddy that I'd sokf a lot of dope with & that relapse never let me walk away from it

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  • Admin

In one of my AA groups, we have a guy who recently got a 30 day chip, his 5th chip in the year I have been in this meeting, he did get one ninety day in there too, but he keeps trying anyway, and is welcomed back each time with open arms. I am the chip person for another meeting as well, where I have given several welcome chips, even to people who had more time than I have had this time. I speak relapse, because I have been there over stupid Gender Dysphoria. Nothing else I am going to say!!

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  • Forum Moderator

There are those who call them selves"first time winners". I am one of them but i also have come to realize that i never tried to quit simply because i knew i was powerless and had crossed the line into the pit. I have friends who went to rehab and then went back out several times as well as some who went straight to a meeting when they got out and are sober today. I never got to rehab. I managed to drive to a meeting even though the alcohol, that never left my system by then, created hallucinations that made driving difficult at best. I just gave up and let myself be helped by the hands that were reaching out to help me.

I will never forget when i was early to a meeting , making coffee and setting up for a 9:00Pm meeting at 8:00. A young g woman came in fresh from rehab. I had just started transition and felt awkward but we talked as i made coffee and set up the literature. She was my first female sponsee and i'm glad to say she hasn't done drugs or alcohol for over 4 years now despite going through some very rough times.

We all have different paths and so much depends on who we bump into. Keep trying until you have some buddies you don't smoke dope with. I have found much more in sobriety than being sober.

Hugs,

Charlize

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I really appreciate all of you!!! This is The close knit sisterhood I've only dreamed of... I amongst friend's & I can be me & be honest..Im open to attend the online NA.... I'll be honest tho I attended AS & NA while in a luxury rehab center 30 day in patient for $45,000.00...& I still managed to be right back in this mess I'm juggling thru jobs I'm in a bad spot from any angle yyou look at it.my& yet I'm sitting here doing my nails...& smokin tweak.letting my troubled mind worrying about fixin everything

That close knit sisterhood will expand exponentially if you walk through the open doors! It's not a cult, or a brain washing, it's a brain cleansing and an open door to a new way of life.

Back in my meth days, I was not one of those that could do a little bit every day. I slammed a ton, staying awake four to seven days at a time. I would collapse and reemerged three days later. I ODed but never died. Sux the life away quickly.

Forgive me for being preachy. I buy the nicest name brand fashions that I could never afford new from thrift stores. Jacking from stores has a sorry future. When we transition our life choices get much more limited. A sheet longer than your arm will destine you to a poverty far worse than mine.

Let's do the math; all the money you spend for your ticket on the flying express would pay for your complete transition. They are very slow to bring you HRT and surgery in the pen. At your age, I'm sure you are super hot, stay on that and at thirty five or forty you will probably look like a bag lady! Change your playgrounds and change your playmates, get your hiney to a meeting now!

I'm not your conscience, I'm not your mother, I'm not your sponsor, I can't make you do anything. I'm also not your enemy! I'm the blunt old witch with the bad news and a crystal globe that I bought with the same bad choices. I have all the worn out tattered T-shirt dresses to prove it. I am trying to be a loving friend, a sister in transition and recovery, I apologize if my tart love is not sugar coated. Hug. JodyAnn

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest clearleeraines

I thought i would share this with you JJ.

458.gif
July 28

"AA may or may not get me to heaven, but it surely got me out of hell."

"Something Revolutionary," Nairobi, Kenya, April 1998

AA Around the World: Adventures in Recovery

I'm no longer in hell thanks to AA. As far as i know this living as myself in some kind of peace is as close to heaven as i'll get. If so it's certainly good enough.

Join us here and if you are interested there are also trans. AA Skype meetings several times a week that i attend and enjoy with my brothers and sister around the world.

Hugs,

Charlize

I LOVE IT! JULY 28TH IS MY BELLYBUTTON BDAY. Mine was Crown Royal & dilaudid/opana/black tar heroin. I have two sons, there mother is dead due to meth @33 yrs used bout 6 to 7 years. However the pychosis was permenent before that. meth causes permenent phychological problems eventually, I will pray for you. If you want to ever live your dreams, GO TO TREATMENT AGAIN! THIS TIME TELL THEM EVERYTHING, THEN FOLLOW SUGGESTION. Or die. I was 9.75 yrs cleansober n/a a/a never told anyone bout anything! ur as sick as ur secrets they say. I relapsed for 5 yrs "stuck" wanted out/back "stuck" homeless,jails,finally prison.

Funny thing about prision, they the other hommies on the yard will find you out gay,trans,pedophile,junkie,whatever so.... depending what yard you land in ect. Anyway you don't wanna know. I am sober/clean nonsmoker "yeah" that one was a freebie. Today I am on parole for two more yrs, My p.o. knows what time it is I.E. i am trans/androgyne I found a dr who put me on hrt a year ago my hair is shoulder length and beautyful I AM LIVING MY DREAM TODAY. I pay nothing for my dr or hrt or dentist i have a perfect smile now my junkie was missing eye teeth on the top "PRETTY" NOT!. i FEEL GUILTY I HAVE IT SO GOOD TODAY . Clear

for more information on this and more life enhancing free gifts, visit AA.ORG or NA.ORG today to find the closest help near you, remember it's free and confedential get yours today!

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first up a big hug my name is kim and am dieing that said I will help u any way I can but u have to be true to yourself too if u are ready to get off the merry go round u need to move to a town that don't know u. I tell u am dieing because life to short y know what to do u just have to make up your mind which u want more? I love to be your friend but my time short so I help as long as possible it your call

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Guest clearleeraines

I wish more than anything else, I could say the one thing that would bring that "moment of clarity" to you, the power to change. We change or we get changed, The universe WILL have her way with you like it or not. Getting changed hurts like hell, IF you survive!. "When the pain it takes to remain the same, is greater than the pain it takes to change, we change. IF we survive. When I got out of prison jan14 this year and went back to my N/A homegroup after 5+ years out, 21 peaple had died, all but two had relapse, those two were suicide & cancer caused by meth. When you factor in trans death rate and addiction death rate Whew! its over 50%. I have survivers guilt/ptsd, That is something you never want to have. I am 54 yrs old I have paid a inhumane price. I pray OUR words reach your heart, I pray you be given a gift, A gift so many of us have paid dearly for . There is a BETTER way.

TRUST AND BELIEVE

Your fallen angel, Clear

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  • 1 month later...

Hi JJ,

I am a fellow tweaker in Recovery I have 11 month clean. I haven't used as long as you I used for 10 months I went to using daily in a matter of weeks. I'm married, have a son, I'm a professional and I almost lost it all. I have once chance. I got into using when meeting some new trans friends for sex (yes I cheated many times during this time when I was using). I thought that it allowed me to be who I was, it gave me a voice, I could finally talk and have confidence. At one point in time I thought that I was on top of the world, I owned my own business, had a family, had money, and was high. Little did I realize that it was taking bigger and bigger chunks out of my life, out of who I was as person, changing me and my principles and letting me violate all my principles that I believe in and how I was taught. I met someone who I hold dear when I was using and she helped me find a part of my trans self but she still uses and I won't let that jeopardize my sobriety because of my profession I get UA'ed 4-5 times a month and that does help, but believe me when I say that I think about using every day, but I play the tape forward. I used to get the cravings with the sweaty palms but very rarely anymore but the thought of using still pops in my head and I think about everything that it did for me and the bad things, I have to recall all of it all the risk I put myself in, the fear sometimes of buy crap in dangerous situation, the sexual risk I put myself in, and one of the hardest now I'm working on is the had intercourse up twisted thinking that I developed when using. Its like it really turned me into something that I didn't believe in and now I have to screw my head back on right, but at the same time I'm a very sexually open person like I like to be tied up, or whipped but learning how to not associate those activities with these weird thoughts that I created when using. That is where I am at now.

Rachel

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