Passing Tips For Mature Matrons

[Sally]

There is a lot of discussion about how to do things to 'fit in' with all of the others in your new gender.

But until now everyone has just said to 'dress age appropriate'.

This is a guide for the older ladies among us - the Mature Matrons!

First and most important rule - always go to the bank, the grocery store or a restaurant at exactly 12:00 noon, and don't hurry you have plenty of time, your not on a time clock like all of the angry people behind you.

A perfect example:

I was at the grocery store, only one checkout was open, naturally, and the lady in front of me stood where she effectively blocked the counter so I couldn't unload my basket, then she paid by check (the slowest possible way and didn't get out her checkbook until after the cashier had asked for her money, when asked for ID she went back in the purse for a half hour or so then had to put everything back away before moving even an inch. This took place during the lunch hour of course.

I'm going to work on that as well as learning to stop at the top or bottom of escalators and stand in the middle all doorways especially elevators.

If you can think of anything else besides driving 15 MPH below the speed limit in the passing lane with the left turn indicator flashing and waiting until the red light turns amber before you finally cross the intersection please let me know - I don't want to miss any of the 'perks'!

Love ya,

Little Old Lady Sally

[Guest Zabrak]

LOL

Don't forget to argue with the cashier about having to show your ID for another half a hour before you look for it.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Heck I already know some of this!

Make sure you get a handicapped access parking sticker - and when you park, make certain your car laps over into the next parking spot too.

AVOID using the turn signal, it will just give people a chance to cut you off, just swerve where you want to go, those young people have quick reflexes. OH - as a safety measure , Do keep your turn signal always on when you DONT want to turn, so everyone will be more careful around you, but DO turn it off a few blocks before you turn.

Oh - and don't forget you use those coupons in the grocery store, and to be on the safe side, if you find a good one but don't have ithe item in your basket, ask them to send a clerk to go get it while you (and everyone else ) waits, When it gets to you, tell the cashier nevermind after she rings it up, you don't want it after all. All she has to do is find the store manager to turn a key so she can back it off your bill.

Doesn't take THAT long.

And when you meet someone , tell them that favorite story of yours, even if they heard it a hundred times before. They enjoy it or they wouldn't be dancing all over the place like they have to pee, when you start it again

And EVERYONE is interested in your last bowel movement!

And when someone holds the door open for you, be sure to stop in the opening, check to see if all your buttons are reasonably close to being in place, and dig for that scarf for your hair.

Silver hair ALWAYS looks better when it has a slight purple tint in the dye.

And remember, the more obnoxious the dog, the better it is to use for a conversation item when smuggled into the store in your hand bag.

And remember no hand bag is too large and no tip is too small at the restaurant - you can sometimes get a few days food in the larger bags, especially if you check out the adjacent tables.

Never show anyone that 44 magnum pistol in your purse - and maybe, just maybe, someone will try something, and BAM you can shoot them in the nutz!

Always look on the internet to remind yourself where 'nutz' are located, and whom is likely to have them.

Try to remember your password on the internet is ... is... is... heck, use the guest logon.

And leave your entire estate to the kid or grandkid who treats you best! Threaten to change your Will regularly - keep em off balance.

And old peoples are allowed to say words ike "m&%%@$ f**%#@" and "@#*&*" - it's cute. Say that stuff often and around young children, they need to know about life.

Never repeat yourself. Remember, EVERYONE is interested in your last bowel movement!

Hope this helps

Seriously Senior Lizzy

[Paula ult]

OMG this happened to me yesterday at wal-mart on my lunch hour i got a few things then was looking for a checkout that wasn't too busy, they were crowded, so i get into the 12 item or less line and the woman at the checkout had a cart full of items and put 12 up each time then paid with a credit card, she did this about 4 times and each time she put her credit card back in her wallet., the poor guy in front of me had one item and the guy in front of him had a couple. After this woman left the cashier apologized to everyone.

Paula.

[Guest Irielle]

Sally, that's great. Here's another for you to practice when you are backing out of your parking space, such as when you leave the supermarket. Do this when the lot is full and you are the only one leaving and there is someone waiting - preferably a young mother with antsy kids in the SUV who is late for their soccer practice and forgot to pick up the treats she was supposed to get for the kids on the team for them to eat after practice. Her hair should preferably be in wild disarray.

Back out one inch. Stop. Wait. Back out another inch. Stop. Wait. Repeat until you spy the woman in the SUV. Then panic and pull all the way back into your parking space because you think she wants to drive past. You don't realize she is waiting to take your spot when you leave. Sit in the spot for a minute with the engine running.

Back out one inch. Stop. Wait. Back out another inch. Stop. Wait. Repeat until you spy the woman in the SUV again. Hit the brakes! Wait for her to pass by. She has her blinker on. Keep looking at her because you don't realize she is waiting for you.

Eventually she will wave at you that you can back out. Wave back to her, smile and wait. Keep your foot on the brake. Wait for her to wave three more times, then realize she is waiting for you to leave.

Back out one inch. Stop. Wait. Turn the steering wheel either direction. Back out one inch. Stop. Wait. Repeat until you hit one of the cars on either side, just a light tap. Panic and hit the brakes.

Go forward one inch. Stop. Wait. Go backward one inch. Stop. Wait. Repeat this jockeying back and forth until you are finally free of the parking spot. Be careful! A shopper is 30 feet away pushing a cart down the parking lot on the far side. Wait for her to find her car, load her groceries and return her cart. Turn on your turn signal.

Wave again at the SUV. S-L-O-W-L-Y start to drive away. Your engine badly needs a tune up so be sure to leave the SUV in a cloud of exhaust fumes.

Hit the brakes! This is to ensure that the SUV hits you.

Congratulations! You have earned your PhD!

[Guest Sarah Marie]

Sally - - you missed one idea that has actually happened to me more than once.

Show up at the busiest time in the afternoon. Shop until your basket is crammed with a collection of single cans, bottles, or boxes, all of which have to be individually scanned, along with a wide variety of specialty produce items, each one of which must have its PLU code looked up by the cashier. Then wait until she has scanned and bagged the entire cart full BEFORE remembering the three dozen coupons you were planning on redeeming. Then wait until all of the coupons have been scanned before you start an archaeological dig through your purse for your checkbook. Use this check as an opportunity to practice your best, and most laboriously crafted handwriting. THEN proceed to balance your checkbook as painstakingly slow as possible before taking several minutes to readjust the contents of your purse before (finally) leaving.

I saw this play out once at the local Albertson's when it was swamped with customers. By the time this one customer finally left the checkstand, the line behind her reached a quarter of the way down the frozen foods aisle!

[Guest Evan_J]

Wow. Um Sally? You got that down just a little too accurately. How'd you know about the lady I was behind in the store yesterday? lol Went home sayin a litany about "women" lol and not a prayerful one.

Lizzy? ummmmm. Confess. lol You've been a woman in several of your lifetimes lol.