Am I Transgendered or Something Else?

[Imaginary Spiders]

Hi!

I am 25 years old and on July 19th of this year I was finally able to admit that I'm transgendered. However, I am still not completely sure of my gender identity. What I do know is that, that was a very beautiful moment for me. I am now finally dealing with my issues and not trying to bury them like I had been for years. So I'll tell some of my story and then I would appreciate people telling me what they think my gender identity may be, Whether I am truly transgendered.

I was assigned male at birth. At age four I saw a film wear children turned themselves into various animals. I thought magic was real. So I tried to turn myself into a little girl. It didn't work. At this age I often pretended I was a little girl while playing and at times I didn't know I wasn't. I have always preferred female friends over male friends. When I have an issue I turn to a woman for help and never a man. Throughout my childhood I would often pray to God to make me a little girl. I constantly wished for this. Throughout most of my schooling people thought I was female because of the way I looked and behaved.

At age 13 I began to cross dress. I found that cross dressing relieved stress for me. While dressed up I imagined my life as woman and it felt right to me. Also for quite sometime I would feel very sexual aroused by dressing that way, but I don't really feel that way anymore. Anyway I had stolen a lot of clothing from my mother when I was thirteen. She found out a bit later and took all of it away except for a few bits which she may have overlooked or perhaps intentionally left. When she confronted me about it I cried for a while. She told me that it was okay to be gay. By the way I am attracted to women and plan on having a wife and kids. My mother still to this day thinks I'm a gay guy and occasionally pressures me to come out of the closet. People see me as a guy though I feel that am mostly female and was suppose to be born female.

I really want to try living as a woman someday soon. I recently began to cross dress after taking a break from it. Now when I dress that way I feel that it is how I am suppose to dress and don't like returning into my male identity. I recently began to photograph myself in my female identity and I really like the way I look. When I see pictures of myself in my male identity I think I look stupid. As I have said I plan on giving living as a woman a try and am sort of curious about hormones as I really would like to have breasts. Also I use to really want to have a sex change, but I don't anymore, because I am comfortable with my body and would like to have kids. So what am I? Should I identify as transgendered?

Thanks!

Edited August 16, 2015 by Carolyn Marie
Paragraph breaks inserted for readability.

[Guest Laura Beth]

I can understand what you are saying. I started cross dressing around the same age but when my mother found out it was not really pleasant. The only time the stuff wasn't taken on me was if I bought the clothes myself but would be yelled at mercilessly. I grew up being teased in school for how I appeared and everything to the point of being called a "F" word and gay alot. I have found over the years that I am more comfortable with female friends rather than male. A few times when I was with a large number of ciswomen I would forget that I was a "guy" and would want to do everything with them including applying make-up. The make-up time they were all accepting but I stopped myself before they got started. There was only two other male classmates taking the same training at the time. I am in the process of going full time as a woman and where it stops will be determined when I have arrived there. I rule out nothing from hormones to surgeries if that is what it takes to feel totally like what I need to. The feelings can get stronger as we get older so don't completely rule out the chance that you won't want a sex change in the future.

To the question you pose it is an individual ones own understanding of the word. But to me I would say yes to being transgendered but that is just my own opinion.

A word of warning; if you get married tell the one about your need to dress female or it can turn out bad in the end.

Laura Beth

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Laura. i think your description of childhood matches that of many of us here. At the same time we have all found different paths to follow. I would recommend seeing a gender therapist (GT). I found that working with mine helped me to find my path and she also knew of the resources that exist to help me. Laura's has helped as well. Just articulating my feelings and reading about others gives a kind of support i need.

Hope to see you around the playground.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Laura. I think the others have summed up my feelings about your story. The answer to your question is best determined by you, with the help of a gender therapist. But, if you take the word transgender as an umbrella term covering all gender variations, I believe you are probably in this group. What that means for you and your future is only for you to determine.

I encourage you to read a lot of the threads here, ask questions, and follow your heart.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Raya]

"a very beautiful moment for me. I am now finally dealing with my issues and not trying to bury them like I had been for years"

I'm so happy for you, it is a beautiful moment! And I'm glad you did not bury them for 40 years like I did.

Welcome to the playground, Laura. Check it out and explore where you want to be. Have fun.

[Imaginary Spiders]

Thanks for all the answers! They have been very helpful.

[Guest DavinaG]

I can relate to so many of you. Your story timeline parallels my own. While I relate, we are all unique. First thing I want to say is that this is not a yes no question, but is a continuum. So recognise that regardless you fit somewhere on the spectrum. I have the same question sometimes, I see those who litterally can't stand to have the parts they have and need SRS immediately. For me I am thankful that I find myself somewhere on the female side of bigendered. This is still a confusing place. I started out crossdressing and came out to my wife while living together. She is great and accepted me for who I am. More than a decade later I started hormones with her blessing. Funny thing is I still present as a male but enjoy the effects of the little blue pills. I am wearing a bra for the first time today (wife said I look like I will need one soon) and enjoy the femininity it provides. My progress is slow but am feeling the desire for more in many ways. Still not considering SRS at this point but a move to a somewhat Androgenous life is coming. I also have a desire for more for this world we live in. Is it the estrogen, desire to move forward, concern with what I see happening in this world, I don't know but I am changing in the way I think, my intimacy, my outlook... Is my femininity becoming dominant? Here is to wherever this ride takes me. Good luck in figuring it all out and don't stress too much over it, it will come.