Confused...

[EVAN_DESU]

I really don't know anymore. These thoughts I'm having.... It all started when I was 12 years old and thoughts went through my head about how great it'd be to be a boy. I started wearing boy clothes and doing boy things. Then, I got to afraid, so I forgot about it and went back to being a normal girl. In December of last year the thoughts and feelings came back.....Way stronger than before. I again started to wear boy clothes and act like a boy...And once again I became too scared...Well...In the last two months...It came back..again! It won't go away. It's even stronger than last time and I keep on having fantasies of having sex with a man while being a man. I'm always saying "Oh, I wish I looked like him." I'm WAY to afraid to do anything so I'll most likely go back to being a girl again...I just...can't deal with it. I don't want to be this way..If I was meant to be a boy, I would have been born a boy physically, right? I know that's a load of bs, but id like to believe it was true.

I don't know what to do. I know it sounds mean, but I don't want to feel this way, I just want to be a normal girl....

Is that too much to ask? :/

[Guest Crossroads]

What your feeling, while I won't call it normal, is definitely something many of us feel.

I know I've definitely had the longing before to just be a girl, just like other girls. It would make life so easy. I've even hated myself for not fitting in and not being beautiful and not being able to hang out or act like a girl, even when I was trying hard.

Just know that you aren't alone. We're here to help. Let us know if there's something we can do or say, if you have any questions!

[Sally]

Dear Misaki,

Almost everyone here wishes that they were just a normal ---- (fill in the blank) but the fact is we are normal, normal for us!

If you keep having these feelings of needing to be a boy, they will not just go away - I fought my need for 57 years and why?

I was too afraid, too afraid that people wouldn't accept me, too afraid that I wouldn't be able to pass, too afraid that I would hurt my family's feelings, too afraid ....

Those fears don't go away but eventually the need, the hunger gets stronger than the fear and you will transition if that is what you need.

You can not rush when you will decide to act on these feelings or deny them forever, everyone is different but in the end you will have to decide for yourself.

Stick around and see how you feel next week.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear, Dear Misaki,

Most of us here have or are going through the exact same thing, same feelings, same confusion, same everything. What you are experiencing is very normal for people like us. I too, (especially when I was your age) went through many ups and downs of knowing I was really a girl (oh, I am MTF by the way) to thinking, well I was born a boy to therefore I should live and act as a boy. And, by the way it would be so much easier to just say 'hey. I am a boy!!' My darling, I'm afraid that you might be able to fool yourself for a while (I know I did), but in time, who you really are will come through, and there will be nothing you can do to stop it!! I think that just take it day by day and follow how you feel. Don't feel guilty about wanting to be a boy, and don't feel quilty when you go through periods of staying a girl. It is all OK. Just be yourself, and never feel ashamed!!

You will be OK!!

LOL

bernie

[Guest MrAwesome]

Look, I never had to deal with that, because I just wanted to bad to be a normal BOY, and I would go to bed and dream about magically growing a penis. And then I'd wake up and realize that it was all a dream. I hoped so much, wanted to bad, to just be a boy. and every bit of puberty hurt so bad... because I was growing into something I just didn't identify with. It might be scary for you, to have these thoughts. but it doesn't just go away. Maybe you should try, finding a YMCA or something to join and sign up as a boy, talk to some people make some friends. See how it feels, maybe that will help you decide what you want to do. I'd also suggest, finding a gender therapist, OR if you can't find one, find a normal therapist that may have experience dealing with gender issues. They can help you sort out these feelings probably, and if you decide to go through with transitioning if that's what it comes to, they can help you find resources. Though remember, some aren't very good therapist with this kind of thing, they shouldn't try to force you into any decisions, and they should listen. and if they tell you that they can work with you to make you not feel this way, or to magically cure you, well, hate to say, there is no way to magically make this go away. For now, don't just get scared and try to hide from your feelings. Talk to a therapist. See what they say. and if you have problems getting in, there's numbers you can call if you need to talk, 1-800-TALK I think it is. and they will rout you to a counselor, that can maybe help you sort things out a little bit if you just feel like your going out of your mind. Or feel free to message me, or get on the chat room for lauras and talk to one of the mods. I'm always willing to talk, I'm not a trained professional, but I have some experience.

[Guest Leigh]

ok son. listen to me. you can't lie to yourself. you will always know something is wrong if you just keep trying to live as a girl.

i know...it hurts. it really hurts. but you can get through it. and the best way to do that is to talk to yourself, talk to us, talk to a therapist if you can.

you need to talk through these feelings as much as you can. but no matter what, you can't lie to yourself.

just ask yourself what the truth is, and you will find it.

if you need to talk to someone feel free to PM me, i really mean it...even if it's a month from now, about whatever, just send me a note.

peace&love

your bro