Confused about myself

[Azathoth]

First of, I want to say hello to those on this site.

So, unsure of where to start, I will preface this with some basic information about myself, I turn 29 in December, I was born male, and adopted at birth. I have suffered from severe anxiety and depression most of my life, but lately, after considering the past and the way I think, I find myself going back to seeing myself living as a female. I have not been comfortable around people my whole life, and I do not desire a relationship with anyone until I know who I am. I consider myself pansexual, and have no questions about this particular detail. As a male, I do not feel comfortable, but when I fantasize about living life as a female, I see myself happy. I have always been drawn to female clothing, but never had the courage to purchase any for myself to wear when I am on my own. At the same time, I am very afraid to speak to any mental health practitioners or family about this. I do not know what to do at this point, and by no means, do I expect anyone on these forums to make my decision for me, but if anyone has been through anything similar, even in the slightest, I would love the advice.

On another note, if I do decide to go the route of transitioning, I know I would need to seek a doctor on multiple fronts. I had been diagnosed with gastroparesis earlier this year, and had a surgery basically the equivalent of a gastric bypass to correct the damage. Has anyone had any major surgical setbacks that could cause problems down the road?

Thank you for taking the time to read my little blurb and possible respones.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Azathoth,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. I understand your fear of seeing a mental health practitioner but you don't have to be. A gender therapist could help you with your gender questions. This is what he/she's trained to do. This is our list of therapists. Many will do online counseling via Skype or telephone if you can't bring yourself to go in person.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

If you do decide to transition, this is something you would have to do anyway.

Have you joined our chat? Our chat mods are trained counselors and could give you advice. It's something for you to think about. What ever you decide, I wish you the best

MaryEllen

[Guest Raya]

Hi Azathoth, and welcome!

On the first part, like Mary Ellen says, find you a good therapist. It's not that scary once you get started.

On the second part, I know there are some here who have transitioned in spite of some serious health issues. I've got some blood clotting issues but was still able to proceed with HRT.

So hang out, learn a lot, and make some new friends here while you get ready there!

[Charlize]

Welcome to Laura's Asathoth. Glad you've joined us. your not alone.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Azathoth]

Part of my apprehension to seeing/speaking with a therapist is I have been in conventional therapy in the past, and quite honestly, I have only found one in the many years that I felt I could trust. Now I am no longer able to meet with this individual because they do not take my current insurance. While I am able to see them on a sliding scale taking insurance out of the equation, they do not specialize in gender identity, nor have an abundance of training in it. Finding a new therapist is extremely frightening, and I am terrified. I love my family and friends dearly, and while my mother is relatively progressive in the rights of others, and I know she only wants me to be happy, I do not see this news being told to her going well. As far as my friends go, what few I have anyway, I consider them friends in the truest sense, where I can be forthcoming and not be judged, but at the same time, I cannot come to terms with losing them because of how I perceive myself on the inside. If I needed to move to another state/country and start life over, I could do it, but at the same time, I fear falling back into my old mindset that I do not need others in my life to be happy.

I am a severe introvert, and do not want to experience the way I used to be despite this. Years of hard work have made me more comfortable being around people and taught me to wear that mask in public. At the same time however, I do agree if I am to make any progress in discovering who I am or what my true gender is, I must first seek a professional that is trained, or ideally, one who has transitioned themselves to figure out what my mind is telling me. I will check with my insurance to see about any mental health professionals that specializes in therapy on the emotional level, as well as having training dealing with gender identity. As I gain more insight, I will update as I learn, but for now, thank you very much for the warm welcome and advice that has been provided. If there is anything else I should look into, please let me know. I am very happy that I stumbled upon this wonderful community.

[Cosmo]

Transgender doesn't mean full transition. In my case x-sex hormone therapy gave me the piece of mind and tranquility I've never had. I continue to present as a male. Have for the last 3 years.

[Charlize]

When i saw my therapist i was simply trying to come to grips with one issue. I had gender issues i needed to open up to someone and share. I'd lived most of my life with a secret that filled me with fear and shame. When i finally opened up it just poured out. That alone was so helpful. Please do consider a GT as it gives one time to be free to discuss issues that seem impossible with friends and family.

Hugs,

Charlize

[SoSarah]

My wife at the time ( who was a Nuse Practitioner ) pushed me into therapy to help our marriage. I decided to go since it was my second marriage and I wanted it to work. To make this simple, she didn't like the results I was reporting back to her. To her I wasent trying hard enough. She paid for me to go to another therapist, after 3 months of sessions she stopped paying ( I wasent getting fixed ). The blessing that was received by me was that my therapist saw long term issues that needed to be addressed, so she saw me for $20,00 a session. The gender ? I was diagnosed as to having gender dysphoria ( deeply ) fairly early on. So we worked on co - depency, inner child stuff, anxiety and other small issues before my real life test. Seven years !!! Then my stroke, the hospital therapist knowing I was transgendered said she notice how well I was handling all of this mentality. All I can say is faith and my seven year investment paid off. Seven years might seem long, but a divorce, bankruptcy and her outing me to my family, friends and our church friends took its toll. Find a good therapists she saved me.

[Azathoth]

So after some careful consideration, I have decided that once my new health insurance plan kicks in starting October 1st, I will be seeking a therapist that is covered by my plan. As far as my family is concerned, I will be telling them for the time being that I need to continue working on my anxiety, which is true to a certain degree, but I will definitely be bringing up my gender confusion as the main topic with the therapist, keeping my family in the dark until I believe they should know. While I was doing more research, I learned of the COGIATI gender test, and it does give me the result of being transsexual, but goes on to say that the sooner I seek a professional to discuss it, the sooner I will learn where exactly I fit within this. I look forward to sharing my findings as soon as I discover them myself. Thank you once again for the support all of you have given me in taking the big first step.

[Guest DebbieB]

Asathoth, welcome to Laura's

The good news is that you are not unique. Many of us have been where you are today.

The thing to remember is that you have had a LOT of people pushing, nudging, and even forcing you to be a man, to be a typical male, to accept your role as a man. Until just a few MONTHS ago, there was dreadfully little information available to transgender people, other than some sensational reporting.

Since the death of Leleah Alcorn at the beginning of this year, the media has been providing a LOT more information to a LOT more people. Some of us may not be thrilled with the self-indulgence of Caitlyn Jenner and Jazz Jennings is so typically a teenage girl that it's almost annoying. It's hard to imagine that she is not a girl. Both programs have had millions of viewers and are peppered with public information, public service announcements, and support resources.

Many of us tried to force ourselves to accept being stuck in the male body. We called ourselves transvestites, or cross-dressers, and kept it personal and private, often not even letting our own spouses know about the secret stash we hid better than illegal drugs. Some of us have even kept the dressing secret for decades.

When i was growing up, there was almost NO information. The card catalog in the Denver Public Library's main branch, the biggest library in the state of Colorado, had ONE copy of the Christine Jorgensen story that had been missing for 10 years and was never replaced. In fact, when I asked the Librarian how long it had been out, and if I could reserve it, I was 14 years old (right after the movie came out), and she told me that she would NOT put me on a waiting list because I was too young.

The COGIATI as a nice test for getting a thumbnail estimate of your situation. The reality is that you probably know that you are transgender already. You just haven't been willing to face all of the things you are afraid of losing if you transition.

Seeing a therapist with gender identity experience is a WONDERFUL idea. My first wife and I went to a couple's counselor because we hadn't had sex in over two years. She had also become very emotionally abusive and even financially abusive. Ten minutes into our first appointment, she blurted out "I'd be fine with him if it weren't for his little WARDROBE PROBLEM". The therapist started to ask some questions. She had known I was a cross-dresser 7 months before we got married, two weeks after we moved into our first apartment, after about 2 months of dating. She had made it clear that she couldn't accept me if I wanted to be a girl, so I didn't tell her.

The therapist asked me more about it in our joint sessions. He asked more about other parts of our relationship, and realized that we were practically the text book example of a functional marriage. He saw each of us separately. After 3 hours of questioning, getting detailed history, and hearing about how I coped (or didn't cope) with being a man, he realized that I was "Type six transsexual". He asked me if I had ever tried to commit suicide. I ran off a litany of attempts I actually carried out, from drug combination overdoses that should have killed me, going to a biker bar and kissing the girl standing next to the shortest guy (who had the shortest fuse), then trying to kiss him, then spreading my legs in hopes he'd get the right spot. The 1/4 pound of ground glass, walking down the center lane of a 4 lane highway while drinking brandy laced with ether, and a dozen other attempts. I also rattled off a list of 10 methods I hadn't tried because failure would be so messy and hard to hide or clean up.

The irony is that my AA sponsor had been working with me for about 6 months, asking DEBBIE, to write the inventory. I had to give HER a name, and I had to write the inventory ONLY while FULLY dressed, and fully made-up. He also had me come to a private place, dressed as Debbie, and read him my 5th step. It was amazing, things I had stuffed for 2-3 decades came gushing out, and things I had never told ANYONE just came pouring out. He also asked "When do WE get to meet Debbie?". And he coached me in gradual outings until I could go to a Halloween party as Debbie, and then come to 3 AA meetings (10 PM meetings) the 3 nights afterward. It just felt so RIGHT!

When we had our next joint session, our therapist said "I've got bad news, and I have good news". The bad news is that "Rex", probably "Debbie" is a type 6 transsexual and it's a miracle that he managed to live beyond his 25th birthday. Two other patients I had who were as severe as Rex died by the time they were 25 when they didn't transition.

Then came my bad news "Leslie is not a lesbian. She's not attracted to Debbie and she's not even attracted to Rex. The bad news is that this won't change, and you both need to accept that".

Then he smiled "The good news is that you have some choices:

1 - You can have a platonic relationship, much like the one you've had for the last 2 years. You love each other, and that could work.

2 - You can have an "Open Marriage", where you stay married, but you each have your own lovers.

3 - You can get divorced and each of you can go your own way.

I chose option 1, she chose option 2, and her boyfriend insisted that they get married (he didn't want to share).

We got divorced a little over a year later, but in the meantime, I went to a gender therapist. He gave me "homework" assignments, that included things like going to a convenience store as Debbie, going to a Walgreens, going to a gay bar, going to a lesbian bar, going to a straight bar (even though I didn't drink, I was welcomed at each place). I went to different meetings, including gay meetings, biker meetings, and women's meetings.

I moved from Colorado Springs to Denver, and went to similar meetings, including LGBT meetings, NA meetings, Biker meetings, and other meetings. A friend introduced me to a woman who had been living with a transsexual roommate. I was supposed to be a "one night stand" and we ended up together for 2 years, along with her girl-friend and a lover. A wonderful time of amazing relationships and a lot of love and support for Debbie. In fact, as soon as I got home (they picked me up after work), I had to get dressed as Debbie. We'd then cook (I was a very good cook), and then 2 of us would go to a meeting while the third watched the children, which included hers, mine, and sometimes a friend's. There was lots of love and romance, and there was also some wonderful friendship. I also helped coach labor for one of them, and coached her friend through a labor that ended up as a Cesarean. I hit the radar as "member of the family" for both births in the hospital, and Social Services thought I was running a prostitution ring. They sent an undercover agent to pose as an 18 year old girl, possibly a minor. When I made it clear to her that "Sex is a fringe benefit here, NOT a requirement", her "boyfriend" came to pick her up (in his police car). I asked "are you a police officer?". She smiled and nodded. I said "thank you for checking me out". She got into the car and said "We need to find a way to help her out".

I had also found a new job that paid better, and they knew that I was transgender. I was still trying to decide whether to transition, but they were supportive if that's what I decided.

Everything I was afraid of losing, I lost, but what I got in return was better beyond my wildest imagination.

[Azathoth]

Debbie, thank you for the inspiring post. I have also found a website that offers female clothing for men that ships discreetly so I am going to take the recommendation of one of their employees on the chat feature they offer to start with a pair of panties, and possibly a nightie to see how I fair. They suggested even if I were to wear the panties, to wear it under my normal clothing, boxers included, to see how well I cope with it. I have also found an LGBT community center near where I live that offers support groups for transsexuals who are just figuring out where they are, as well as those who have been living as their genetic opposite to full or lesser degrees. The next meeting is tonight, so if I find a couple of spare hours this evening, I will be attending. I look forward to the future feeling more free than I could have ever imagined