Gender Questions

[Guest Soph]

I have been having doubts a tad bit about whether or not I am transsexual, as some may know.

But one thing that has been bothering me a great deal is that to say that you feel like a female is incredibly subjective.

I mean, sure I want to be pretty. Sure I want to attract men. Sure I like to paint my nails and shave my legs. But does that make me female?

Gender does not define who we are, does it? And all of these stereotypes about gender differences are just that--stereotypes. Not all females are inherently feminine (and I mean female very liberally).

The analogy of feeling like a woman trapped in a mans body doesn't really fit me right now, although it does sometimes, and at those times I'm very prone to harming myself. But if I would be a happie person living as a female, does that make me a transsexual? Does that make me a female?

Like I said, its all so arbitrary. Any feedback would be appreciated.

[Guest RainBird]

Hi Soph!

You really bring up some valid points.

I've have mentioned a similar post in the past that kind of relates to this..

I'm regarded as a 'transsexual woman' by society, but I actually just consider myself to be a girl regardless of what secondary sex characterists have developed throughout my childhood. I have a very feminine nature but that is who I am and the choice I made that feels right to me, everyone is different and the spectrum of masculinity and femininity is so diverse that it cannot really be simplified as such.

BTW if you ever feel down and fear harm please stay in touch, you are in a safe place here and we really care about our members, always here to help k

Hugs.

xxoo

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear, Dear Soph!!

Relax dear, it is all very complicated!! First honey, don't hurt yourself, ever!! That will simply make matters worse for you!! Now as far as being female, being feminine, being tanssexual, being crossdresser, being MTF is all part of a continuous spectrum of feelings and identity. My dear, take it slow and don't worry!! We will try to help you all that we can. If neccessary you may want to consider seeing a therapist or better yet a gender therapist!! But we don't have to go there now. Right now, simply take each day as it comes and listen to your feelings and you heart. In time, and as you continue to express your feelings and talk to us and others, your self-identity and gender-identity will solidify.

Hang in there my dear, it will all work out. Just continue to be yourself as I can see that you are. Questions are very good, keep asking. By asking the questions, you will get answers and your sense of self will be more clear.

I too have gone through many periods of doubt and confusion, being here at Laura's has helped me in so many ways I cannot even begin to explain!! Day, by day, my dear, soon it will all become clear.

LOL

bernie

[Guest Donna Jean]

I have been having doubts a tad bit about whether or not I am transsexual, as some may know.

But one thing that has been bothering me a great deal is that to say that you feel like a female is incredibly subjective.

I mean, sure I want to be pretty. Sure I want to attract men. Sure I like to paint my nails and shave my legs. But does that make me female?

Gender does not define who we are, does it? And all of these stereotypes about gender differences are just that--stereotypes. Not all females are inherently feminine (and I mean female very liberally).

The analogy of feeling like a woman trapped in a mans body doesn't really fit me right now, although it does sometimes, and at those times I'm very prone to harming myself. But if I would be a happie person living as a female, does that make me a transsexual? Does that make me a female?

Like I said, its all so arbitrary. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Weather you are transsexual or not....HMmmmm

That is a decision for professionals maybe?

Many of us feel like a female... some of us ARE female....

I do understand your confusion,,

Sure I want to attract men. Sure I like to paint my nails and shave my legs. But does that make me female?

Does that make a female? Well, not necessarily... those are characteristics of a female but that doesn't make a female...

Sweetie...you need to some more thinking.....

There's an answer ....

Love....

Donna Jean

[Guest Little Sara]

I have been having doubts a tad bit about whether or not I am transsexual, as some may know.

But one thing that has been bothering me a great deal is that to say that you feel like a female is incredibly subjective.

I mean, sure I want to be pretty. Sure I want to attract men. Sure I like to paint my nails and shave my legs. But does that make me female?

Gender does not define who we are, does it? And all of these stereotypes about gender differences are just that--stereotypes. Not all females are inherently feminine (and I mean female very liberally).

The analogy of feeling like a woman trapped in a mans body doesn't really fit me right now, although it does sometimes, and at those times I'm very prone to harming myself. But if I would be a happie person living as a female, does that make me a transsexual? Does that make me a female?

Like I said, its all so arbitrary. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Being a transsexual woman is feeling more at ease with a female body than a male body. Simply said, this is what it is.

How is it known? Unease with a male body. Not a male gender role, not with being masculine - but with having a male body, period.

If you only have unease with the gender role, and not with the body, then yeah you might be something else than transsexual, like genderqueer, or androgyne or such. It is for you to know and find out who you really are. Even therapists are only guides in this process (sometimes not needed at all, but they can help sometimes too - it depends on the person...and the therapist).

[Sally]

Sophie,

Don't let gender stereotypes determine who you are and don't let them tell you who you aren't.

What does that mean?

Some woman are very masculine by those standards but are very happy as women.

Some men are very feminine by those same standards and yet they are happy as men.

Others are not happy as they arebut don't fut the stereo types of either so it becomes a matter of are you happy as a man or a woman?

You might like to discuss that with a gender therapist to make sure that you are truly aware of what living as a woman or a man really means to you!

I hope that wasn't too confusing - it made sense to me!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest mia 1]

Soph read the topic by bernie tittled "Cycling" if it is not current go to bernies personal page and click on topics and scroll down till you find "Cycling" some of us cycle in and out of the femminine gender and others stay in one gender and move from "I'm O.K". to feeling like SUPER WOMAN read the replies and see if that helps your confusion at the least you will discover you are not alone with wondering who and why "you are you.." .

[Guest Soph]

Thanks everyone for the responses. They helped to clarify a number of things.

If being a transsexual is having an absolute loathing for your body, then I don't really think that is it.

However, I rather would have a female body.

That is why I see so many TV programs about transsexuals who knew at the age of 5 or so that they were in the wrong body and feel that if I am transsexual, I am at least atypical. But I never quite felt right, and I didn't know what it was.

I wasn't particularly feminine growing up, but that could be explained with suppression of emotion, which is what my therapist thinks. However, my therapist isn't specialized in GID, and I really think I need someone like that to help me with this. Not to say that I dislike her, or that she is a bad therapist, but I need some more clarification on this.

And I'm really sorry for making topics where I just whine about how I hate not being sure who or what I am. Right now, I'm feeling so down... I've been thinking of cutting again, maybe suicide. This is all really too much for an 18 year old to be dealing with. And I really feel for those who are younger (although I envy them in a sense for being more certain of their identity).

I really need to get some sleep, as I have to play an Easter service tomorrow, but I just can't right now. My mind is on overload, and I really think I might call that suicide prevention line (which is something I never expected to have to do).

I'm crying now. I have emotion now. That is more progress than I've ever made in my life. But I just need to sort some things out.

I don't know... I'm sorry for putting this all on you guys and girls, but I really am not healthy keeping to myself right now.

[Guest Kelly Ann]

The little Spock on my shoulder just said, "facinating."...*!>@**^#*Vulcans...where is Bones when I need him. I seem to vascillate like a gyroscope (fortunetly) as I straddle that fence...Bernie make terriffic points that are well worth considering. How so ever be comfortable with yourself. Take care we consider you priceless, KA

[Guest OneOutOfnOne]

Being physically male has never been loathsome to me. I don't feel trapped. As a young child, I lacked the intuitive knowledge that either I was or wanted to be a girl, that is often spoken of.

But I like Sara's definition here:

Being a transsexual woman is feeling more at ease with a female body than a male body. Simply said, this is what it is.

What I do know is that it makes me considerably happier to think of myself as female, and that alone should be enough for me to go ahead with it, because my life is for me alone. Reading what you have written, I suspect you may feel the same. Make small changes, and trust your instincts to tell you what is right for you.

It's okay to take a long time thinking on it. It's something of a major life decision, that it is.

We are not trapped, we are suppressed potential.

[Guest Little Sara]

That is why I see so many TV programs about transsexuals who knew at the age of 5 or so that they were in the wrong body and feel that if I am transsexual, I am at least atypical.

Be wary that those who "know" at age 5 may be transgender or transsexual, or grow up to be neither of those. It really depends on the person.

I didn't know at 3 (don't remember being 3). I knew something was off at 5 (but not what), I thought I had been made male from female at 8, by doctors, aliens - something. And knew I wanted to be female, but not that I was. By the time I was 22 and learned transition even existed, my life had not been all that rosy, wanting to be female added with being completely incompetent at passing for male made my life harder, hard enough that it wasn't a choice. But it's not like that for everyone. Not all women are naturally very feminine. Being feminine on top is like the extra kick in the butt to transition earlier usually - its not the motivation, though it makes you look back at your past and notice that there ain't much you'd be missing.

If being a transsexual is having an absolute loathing for your body, then I don't really think that is it.

However, I rather would have a female body.

It's not exactly "having an absolute loathing", it's knowing, somewhere inside you, that you'd rather have a female body than a male body, and that it's not simply for the perceived cultural advantages of such.

An example of someone who transitioned for the wrong reasons is Charles Kane. He thought being a woman meant shopping all day and no stress ever and he really had a distorted vision of what being female meant.

Knowing you'd rather have a female body can be 60/40, or 70/30 or 95/5. In the end it means that body would feel more at home than a male one. Much like you may prefer cow milk to goat milk, why force yourself to drink goat milk then? Testosterone is like poison to me, and estrogen feels tons of times better. This tells me my choice was right.

[Guest michelle.butterfly]

Thanks everyone for the responses. They helped to clarify a number of things.

If being a transsexual is having an absolute loathing for your body, then I don't really think that is it.

However, I rather would have a female body.

That is why I see so many TV programs about transsexuals who knew at the age of 5 or so that they were in the wrong body and feel that if I am transsexual, I am at least atypical. But I never quite felt right, and I didn't know what it was.

I wasn't particularly feminine growing up, but that could be explained with suppression of emotion, which is what my therapist thinks. However, my therapist isn't specialized in GID, and I really think I need someone like that to help me with this. Not to say that I dislike her, or that she is a bad therapist, but I need some more clarification on this.

And I'm really sorry for making topics where I just whine about how I hate not being sure who or what I am. Right now, I'm feeling so down... I've been thinking of cutting again, maybe suicide. This is all really too much for an 18 year old to be dealing with. And I really feel for those who are younger (although I envy them in a sense for being more certain of their identity).

I really need to get some sleep, as I have to play an Easter service tomorrow, but I just can't right now. My mind is on overload, and I really think I might call that suicide prevention line (which is something I never expected to have to do).

I'm crying now. I have emotion now. That is more progress than I've ever made in my life. But I just need to sort some things out.

I don't know... I'm sorry for putting this all on you guys and girls, but I really am not healthy keeping to myself right now.

Hi Soph! (Big Hugs!)

I think Little Sara pretty much just said a lot of what I'm thinking...

As for those that knew at 3-4-5 years old, I am certainly not one of those. Earliest memories I have so far (I seem to remember something new every week!) of my own gender issues was when I was approximately 10. The issues came fast and furious after that but I didn't really understand what was going on.

Never had a particular 'loathing' for my body, in fact one of the things that I used to stay in denial for 20+ years was that I looked up information on transsexualism from the local college's library and one of the things was that you 'had' to loathe your body to 'really' be transsexual. Keep in mind this was the 80's and the info I was reading was probably 20 years out of date.

I have made a distinction in my own head of my gender identity vs. my brain/part mappings; I identify as very feminine and I also have, from the time I've really had much awareness of it, had this feeling that the parts I had didn't really match up with where my brain thought they should be. It wasn't until very recently, after having been full time for a while, that I even really started to really get that. Like a big "OHHH" moment when I finally did.

But so I can't speak to your experience specifically, but in general it seems like someone could be feminine and need to be in a female role (I'm not sure I can sepearate need from want very badly for gender roles) without needing their parts modified, or someone could be masculine and not really care to be that much different from how they are now but they could really feel their parts needed reconfiguration, or someone might be anywhere in between. Only you can figure out where you lie, but I think it's a mistake to get hung up on labels and whether you are a 'real' this or that... You are who you are, just follow your heart. If you want very badly to be female, would like that better than your current situation, are happier with that thought; I see no way to distinguish that from needing it.

It would be a disservice to you if I didn't admit that I had/have similar doubts and concerns, but I'm not letting that stop me from pursuing my own happiness. Looking back I certainly can see I'm happier on this path than I was on my previous one. And there's lots of time as I go along to change my mind if I ever decide I want to. (I don't see that happening, though.)

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with all this, sweetie. I'm glad you've come here for support, don't ever be sorry for putting stuff on us. We all want to see you find the path that's right for you and we are here to do what we can for you even if that's just listen and understand. Love you so much, I hope your Easter service went okay with not much sleep.

Much much love to you,

Michelle

[Guest Pól_Eire]

This is just one guy's opinion about thinking about transition. I'm not going to comment on what it means to be female though, because I definitely don't know.

It might be a gradual thing, Soph. You might not have one of those cartoon "lightbulb" moments where you're like "Aha! I see! I'm transsexual and need to do the following things immediately!" For me, at first I wasn't really sure I wanted to get hormones or have surgery, I just knew I couldn't keep living as a girl. Eventually I realized that those are things I do want, but you might not, and that's OK too.

This is a lot to be dealing with for anyone, not just an 18 year old. Take your time, take care of yourself, spend some time thinking, and things may sort themselves out for you a little more in your head. It's OK to feel overwhelmed at times -- this is overwhelming stuff -- just remember that you're not alone. There are lots of people here who know what you're going through.

I was one of those kids who knew at 3 (actually, even before I came out to my parents at 17, some of the things I had said as a two year old about being a boy were kind of family legend), but it doesn't make this stuff any easier. It's still really overwhelming at times. Don't feel bad if you weren't. And the more time I spend on this website, the less convinced I am that there is a "typical transsexual." We all have lots in common, but the details are all different.

Seeing a different therapist who specializes in GID might be a good idea, if only to get information.

I'll go back to the guy's room now and leave you ladies to it. Good luck, Soph, and take care of yourself,

-Pól

[Guest My_Genesis]

wow what a complicated question....

gender i.d. is rooted in the brain supposedly..so yeah..you kinda..just know..i guess? and go by that instead of your behaviours?

lol. it's almost 5am i should be sleeping, that's the best answer i can give you.

[Guest Leah1026]

Thanks everyone for the responses. They helped to clarify a number of things.

If being a transsexual is having an absolute loathing for your body, then I don't really think that is it.

However, I rather would have a female body.

That is why I see so many TV programs about transsexuals who knew at the age of 5 or so that they were in the wrong body and feel that if I am transsexual, I am at least atypical. But I never quite felt right, and I didn't know what it was.

I wasn't particularly feminine growing up, but that could be explained with suppression of emotion, which is what my therapist thinks. However, my therapist isn't specialized in GID, and I really think I need someone like that to help me with this. Not to say that I dislike her, or that she is a bad therapist, but I need some more clarification on this.

And I'm really sorry for making topics where I just whine about how I hate not being sure who or what I am.

Other than the cutting and suicide stuff you sound a lot like me.

To the highlighted part. Remember what Sally said about stereotypes? Well transsexual people who "always knew" are also a stereotype. It may be true for some, but they are a minority, so you NOT atypical at all.

I would urge you to be patient and cut yourself some MAJOR slack. Early in transition FUD (fear, uncertainty and doubt) can be overwhelming. Know this and don't let it prevent you from exploring who you really are. If you are like me, every step forward you take will feel right. "Acknowledge the fear and do it anyway" is a good maxim to keep in mind. Transition can be looked at as a 3 three step process:

Thought

Word

Deed

"Thought" brought you here. "Word" is what you are engaging in now. "Deed" is when you put those first two into practice.

Don't worry hon, you sound very typical to me. Have faith in yourself and your dreams will come true.

[Guest Nekomata]

What does it mean to be female? It means not being male. Gender and sex are different. Gender is our society's social construct, and partially how people react to you as a male, or as a female on a social and a subconscious level. There is no wrong or right, no black or white, no 100% male or 100% female. Each gender has their own stereotypes, gender roles, and expectations. They each have their own advantages and disadvantages. Being female does not make life perfect or easy. You're trading one set of problems for another. It all depends on being you and what you are most comfortable with.

[Guest sara w.]

I have been having doubts a tad bit about whether or not I am transsexual, as some may know.

But one thing that has been bothering me a great deal is that to say that you feel like a female is incredibly subjective.

I mean, sure I want to be pretty. Sure I want to attract men. Sure I like to paint my nails and shave my legs. But does that make me female?

Gender does not define who we are, does it? And all of these stereotypes about gender differences are just that--stereotypes. Not all females are inherently feminine (and I mean female very liberally).

The analogy of feeling like a woman trapped in a mans body doesn't really fit me right now, although it does sometimes, and at those times I'm very prone to harming myself. But if I would be a happie person living as a female, does that make me a transsexual? Does that make me a female?

Like I said, its all so arbitrary. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Some times I dont feel like a girl trapped in a boy's body, normaly, I feel like a girl with a horrible disfiguration, and from the sound of things, you do seem like a transsexual, but if you want to get a second opinion without having therapy there is a test on this site, you can find it on the main page I think, its about a 10 min quiz, and that will hopefully give make you more confident either way, I hope you find your answer soon.

yours truely

-sara

[Guest Emily_MI]

I have felt like a Woman trapped in a Man's Body for most of my life, but what does it mean to be Female? I think it is how you identify yourself and how you feel on the inside(Heart, Mind and Soul, at myself at least it does).

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I avoided this topic I guess, because I don't have an answer.

I just am what I am. I talk to my gender trained therapist about what i feel.

She says I am really female. I guess that is what I am. I never fit in as male, I know that.

Lizzy

[Guest angie]

I avoided this topic I guess, because I don't have an answer.

I just am what I am. I talk to my gender trained therapist about what i feel.

She says I am really female. I guess that is what I am. I never fit in as male, I know that.

Lizzy

I fit in all right,had lots of(normal)male friends.

I just never felt,or acted,like all my friends did,I couldn't understand what drives them.

I used to ask myself,"Why don't I feel like a(normal)man?"Because I dang sure didn't.

Oh,I knew she was in there,(have since I was twenty one),but buried deep in my mind.

I just couldn't admit it to myself,not for a loooong time,that I was really a girl.

I never understood,(and never will),what a(real man)feels like.Not once in my former life,

had I ever felt like a(normal)man.But I sure put on a convincing act.

Angie

[Guest Soph]

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you guys, but I was rather indisposed.

I called the suicide prevention hotline the night I made this topic. I was feeling a considerable amount of doubt and self loathing that night, but a lot of that is gone.

I was hospitalized until today, and there I had extensive therapy and dealt with both the doubt and lack of self acceptance. It took a few days before I was able to accept myself for who I was, and just by reading the responses (which I couldn't read while hospitalized) helps me a great deal.

I guess I was caught up on semantics, trying to put a label to who I was, instead of accepting who I am. But yes, I realize I am a transsexual now.

I'm still considering seeing a therapist who specializes in, or at least has experience in, GID, but if not, I'll be ok. I just want to find out where to get hormones

Well, I'm headed into transition now... wish me luck.

And thanks a ton for your comments. They seriously helped a ton.

[Guest kirsty]

It's nice to hear that you are feeling a little better Don't forget we are all here if you ever need to talk

[Guest julia_d]

Good luck on your new path. there is light at the end of the tunnel now.

don't know why but I sometimes look back on the start of transition like this.

at first we are a seed in the ground.. it's good being a seed.. we know how it works.. it's safe and snug down in the soil.. but there is a problem.

There is a drive to do something.. not sure what.. but the casing starts to split and out come these strange roots.. they hide in the soil and grow stronger with me.

The push starts.. there is more to this than being a seed with some roots.. dreams of warm sun and leaves.. but the other seeds say it can be dangerous up there.. lots of things that will try to eat me.. I'm not sure it's a good idea.. maybe staying down here in the warm dark and just being a seed will be enough.

no.. leaves are needed.. what are those about?.. and buds and petals and all sorts of things.. stems and maybe stingers.. I have to find out.. it's not a choice it's a compulsion.. so what about caterpillars?.. they are worth the risk.. maybe I'm poisonous.. don't know until I try it. I need sun and I need flowers and bees and to be what I am and to hold my leaves to the sun.. and it's done. Out of the soil and into the light.. and it's good XD

just one of my silly little things.. for a few years i lived like a pot plant in a dark room.. forgotten and withered and dry... then somebody wonderful came along and watered me and put me on a sunny windowsill.. and I have flowered

Germination time is over.. now it's time to grow and flower into that beautiful person that has always been inside the seed.

best wishes

PPW

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Soph

You may not still be here - hope you do stay.

I don't think I helped you much, but what you did is what I did. i realized I was transsexual, was told the options, and started my transition. I didn't worry too much about what was typical for others, although I was amazed at how similar their stories were to mine.

But how did I know I was female? I just did - I always knew. I can't really explain it well - I knew early and resigned myself to growing up in a male body. I hated it every step of the way. I grew to be chronically sad, depressed, and I expressed it by anger towards others. And I cross-dressed for 50 plus years.

When I found out I was transsexual (gender therapist said it was written across my forehead - her words!) I smiled from ear to ear.

I guess whatever I did my entire life was a female way of looking at it through a man's eyes. It was tough. I became an excellant actress.

Sounds like you are getting there! Wheww - you worried us! Good luck in your journey and PLEASE keep us posted. We are here for you!

Lizzy

[Guest angie]

I was hospitalized until today, and there I had extensive therapy and dealt with both the doubt and lack of self acceptance. But yes, I realize I am a transsexual now.

I am Angie and am 53,

And I had a very tough time coming to terms with my transsexuality.

I was still very much in love with my wife,and knew that the path I must take could cost

me everything.It did.It took being hospitalized for three months from the suicide I thought

was the only way to end the pain.That part of my life seems like eons ago.Many transsexuals

have no idea they are really women until late in life,when the siren call of womanhood starts

calling their name.I have known since I was very little,she had been whispering to me my

whole life,"Is it my turn yet?" No it's not go back to sleep,was always my answer.Until I could

not deny who I really am anylonger.

Each of us comes to terms with this in our own way.

Learn to roll with it and embrace the woman you know you are.It only gets better.

Big Big Hugs,

Angie