Living vicariously through other men (Sexual topic)

[Flint]

I'm finding being trans really hard when it comes to a certain aspect of my life, sex. I don't know, there is so much I should say to explain myself to get more genuine responses but I'm still too ashamed. This is not a new problem for me, but it's come to the surface more now that i've got the testosterone. I don't have to concentrate as much on trying to get HRT and so my concentration has gone one something else, and thats issues i had before that maybe, perhaps are made worse on account of the testsosterone as well as more time to concentrate on it. Here is the thing, I can't..... I can't imagine myself in the body i'm in when it comes to thinking about such things. I'm single, so it's strictly fantasizing at this point. Although I do know from personal experience with a relationship, it's extremely difficult for me when with someone else to have any pleasure myself. I get the reaction you'd expect, I get turned on but thats as far as it can go. I'm only left extremely frustrated. I'm finding more and more I have to live vicariously through other men, i.e turning to porn. It's not that there is anything wrong with that, but it's becoming a problem.

It's a problem because living viicariously through other men doesn't work in real life situations and my imagination has grown weaker....

I'm worried i'm going to have to always see a penis to 'get off'

Which is a problem. For so many layered reasons. It leaves me thinking to myself "what the? Am I gay?" but then i can't imagine myself with a man. I feel a closeness much more towards women, i know that much. It's hard for me to admit this kind of stuff because I've always been one of those to put up a front on always being so sure about my sexuality.

I'm obsessing over what the hell is going on. I can't tell if I'm having to mourn the images i had in my head on how relationships would be with women, like they're all lies i tell myself to cover up being gay, or if the images i still get in my head of closeness with women is genuine. I Mean it's genuine, but i mean... I Don't know how to explain this. I wish i did because it's driving me insane.

In my head for years now i've always had this image of myself in a relationship with a woman, a closeness with a woman but I feel confused in truth. I guess I'm saying that I don't know if it's sexual or not. It has always seemed sexual to me, felt sexual to me. But porn has kind of ruined my brain i think (porn is like alcahol, you have it occasionally it's fine, but once you over step the mark of whatever your limit should be you're in trouble).

I can't imagine myself with a man. Especially when it comes to that same closeness, on an emotional level. I can't really imagine myself with a man sexually either though, i don't think.

There is a disconnect though. I can't figure out if i'm jus attched to the idea of a straight relationship and just in denial and really i'm just gay?

Flint.

[MaryEllen]

Sounds like a good topic to discuss with a gender therapist. That's what I'd advise.

MaryEllen