Just An Update

[Guest Crossroads]

So, I don't remember if I posted it here, but I came out to my family a couple months ago. I asked them for some time to think, hoping they would think about things as well. I was actually polite. I stressed for a long time about how to tell them, and ended up sending me parents videos I had made of myself. I told my sister over the phone because I thought my parents would call her first.

Well, it turns out that my father had found my youtube videos the night before I was going to send my video. I had already told my sister, and so when he called her, she confirmed everything for him. Worked for me. I sent him the video anyway, and he e-mailed me a couple times. I just e-mailed him back and asked him again to give me time.

My mother found out and kept calling me, without even watching the whole video. Luckily, Angie answered the phone and took the calls. She wouldn't leave me alone until I said, "Mom, I won't let you ask any questions until you've watched the entire video." After that, she started sending me nasty e-mails nitpicking about things I had said in my blogs.

So, that was a month and a half or two months ago.

I called my sister last week just to talk. I've been stressed because I'll be presenting 100% male starting in June, I'm still not sure about when I might be getting surgeries, and I just in general wanted to give Angie a break. She couldn't have cared less. All she would say is that she was so busy that she hadn't even thought about anything. Now, I know she is busy. She's in law school and working. But when I was in school and working two jobs, I still called her and asked her how wedding planning was going and gave her input on her life. Not that I think this should be a huge deal and everyone should only think about me, but don't give me the cold shoulder. Anyway, I just decided she probably needs some more time, so I'll just leave her be for a while.

The other night, I finally worked up the courage to ask my parents out for dinner. I knew something was up when I got there and my Dad called my Mom; as far as I knew they weren't on speaking terms. They went through the whole dinner, knowing why I'd asked them out, but they just pretended nothing was going on. Finally, I had to bring it up. I would think, if they were so "concerned", they would have said something, but that isn't how my parents are. They tried their usual, where they try to sway my opinion by saying they agree on something (ganging up on me, they've always done that). My mom asked a good amount of questions about my transition, but only because I asked her, and kept asking, if you are concerned ask me what you are concerned about. So finally, my dad, who has been unnaturally quick, chimes in to say how I've publicly accused him of this and that in my videos. I explained to him that I wasn't putting it on national television, it was a blog (and vlog). Not only that, but the "accusations" he was talking about...weren't. I never accused him of being one thing or another, although I did use an adjective to describe him that he didn't like. My dad has this complex about people calling others names. And even if you insinuate a name being called, he'll get all upset about it. But anyway, so I tried to explain, and then he started saying how immature I was being, how an adult would have handled things this way and that way. And my mom, of course, chiming in and agreeing. And then, the straw that broke the camel's back, we got on the topic of Angie. I explained that they just ignore the fact that she's there. They need to understand that we are a couple and we are going to be a couple. They just ignored me and continued on in the conversation. Angie asked a question, and my Dad told her she wasn't allowed to ask anything of him.

I finally lost it. All the months of worrying about how to tell them, what words to use, wanting to do something more personal than a letter but not able to do it IN person...

I've never stood up to my parents before, really. I've always just let them have their say, not talking back. But man, I really let it out. I even bruised my arm banging it on the table. I was still polite, but I explained to them what I was trying to do. Angie said she'd never seen my parents listen like that before. I'm still not sure they did. My dad said, "You still won't tell us your new name, you could just up and disappear any day." And I replied, "Yes, I could." But I CHOSE instead to give them another chance (just like I always do). I had initially planned to do that, move to Atlanta without saying anything to them. I've tried to do it so many times, and it's ironic that Angie has been the one always saying to give them another chance. Every time they do something horrible to me, she's the one who tells me to keep trying.

So, where do we stand now? They've said that since I posted their e-mails in my (private) blog - they are calling a blog a public forum or "like the New York Times" - that they can't trust me to send e-mails to me. Dad says he won't call me because if I want to know what he thinks, I'll ask (at the same time, when he has a problem with me, I'm supposed to figure it out and ask about that, too). I don't really care what he thinks, I just thought he'd care enough to want contact with me. Mom saw that it was a losing battle and made up an excuse to leave. If you are having possibly one of the most important conversations with your child in their life, do you just say, "oh well, I have to work tomorrow, so I've got to go home." And it wasn't even late.

And of course, not that I ever expected this of them, they didn't ask me what I'd like to be called, they didn't even pause to try to think of the right pronoun, they over and over called me their daughter. Obviously, two months wasn't enough time to think about anything. Pronouns don't really bother me all that much, but even my close friends (I call them my "family") asked me how to handle it, how to refer to me. They messed up, of course, constantly. They couldn't get the pronouns right at all, but they put an effort in that my parents didn't. My parents have that view of "Ignore it and it isn't there." They obviously didn't want to think about the transition, and therefore came up with all these other things to yell at me about.

I told Angie that this was the last chance. I've never felt good about myself before. All of a sudden, I can stand to look at myself in the mirror, look at pictures of myself (recent), you know? And I truly believe if after 6 1/2 years of time to "adjust" to Angie being my SO, if they can't get something like that done, they can't do this. And I can't give them the chance to out me in a new life, either.

The next morning, I was resolved, and Angie was still upset. Usually, when something happens with my parents, I'm upset about it for a week or more afterwards. It keeps me in a nice, controlling slump that keeps me doing what they want. She was surprised when I said, I'm ready. Let's move, let's change everything. If they want to find me, they can.

So yeah, just a horrendously long update. I know I'm no family-lover. The only time I get like this is at the mention of family, something I spent a long time trying to understand.

Luckily, I didn't tell them about Laura's, although at first I was going to because of the Parent Support section in the main forum.

So, in an effort to give you something you might be able to actually reply to:

What would your breaking point be for your family? What is the biggest thing they could do to lose your trust in them?

For me, that was not only disrespecting me, but moreso disrespecting the most important person in my life.

Your turn, hope you're still awake.

[Guest DanM]

Most parents especially mothers have the hardest time with letting go after giving birth. This is even so when that child comes out and says hey Mom you know you gave birth to a girl but now I am a boy. It takes them back a bit and it will take a lot longer than a few months or even years for them to except your decision. I know it has been 30 years in the making for me and my parents still slip up. But what gets me is when I told them my new name my mom said oh I like Danielle its a pretty name, I was like mom its Daniel. So to this day she still can't get it that I am not the girl she gave birth to. My father I have no real relationship with and not because of me but because he was very abusive to us kids and my mom. I have to give Angie a big hand I think she is handling things quite well. But parents and grandparents well they a while to come around they are set in thier ways and change is very hard for them to grasp. Good luck and just live your life either they will come around or they won't.

[Guest leo]

when i told my parents they made out if i was the bad guy

i tried to jump out of a top window in front of them

enough said i think

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I read your posting - I looked at it very carefully! I think you made a tremedous and courageous effort to reconcile with your family. They MIGHT come around eventually - but you did your best for now! And you are in a good place - i know it hurts - but you really did make a good effort. Don't 100% close that door, send them a birthday card or something later and give them an address, but I wouldn't expect you to try to work out an understanding anytime soon.

It seems unfortunate it came to this - the misunderstandings still in place. I have often posted it is my firm belief ONLY other transgendered people can undestand transgenderd people. You can hope for support, even if there is no true understanding, but that's likely as good as it gets. Support is something that either comes early - or seems to take forever. Unfortunately, you seem to have some of your loved ones in the latter catagory.

Don't burn bridges, but also don't have a lot of regrets. Go on with your life... you seem to have a wonderful SO - and wow - that is a real blessing!

Just an opinion or two

Lizzy

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Hey Crossroads,

First dude, I want to say darn, what a pain in the .... your parents have been to you. Gosh, I am so proud of you taking control of your life and just getting the heck out of there, and living your life as you know it should be. You are clearly strong and determined to be who you are, and you will not let anyone or anything stand in your way!! The other younger guys here can definitely take a lesson from you. Regardless of your trying, your parents can't seem to accept you, but you just kept on going!! Yes!!

Like you, what would break my trust in my parents (which is too close to breaking anyway) is when they would clearly be more concerned with themselves and what they want to hear than with you and what you are trying to say.

Respect

bernii

[Guest Myles]

My mother is in another town even in another state so I have not even told her. I do need to send her a letter. When I announced to her I was gay she replied by saying she wished I was dead and that she never had me. I ended up moving out on my own while still in high school. I am hoping when she gets the letter (I refuse to call her as who knows shat she will say) I will never hear from her again. SO I have already hit that point with my mom (no dad). She seems to bend and twist things to make them all about her.

You have given them 6 years to except/respect you relationship/SO and that to me is long enough. Time to move on and surround yourself with family that love and care for you unconditionally, since that is what family is suppose to do. Your moving forward and making positive steps in your life congratulations and I hope you and Angie have an awesome journey.

Myles

[Guest Crossroads]

Just a quick thank you to everyone! You're all awesome!

I'll be disappearing for about a month while I move, but I'll be back in June.

Thanks again. Love y'all!!!!

[Guest leo]

kk have a good move

inabizzle

[Sally]

Well we will be right here when you get all settled in come by and say hello and let us know all about your new place.

Here is a bag of assorted cookies - I like to snack when I move, or don't move or basically when I'm awake!

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Get back with us - PROMISE?

Lizzy

[Guest Martin]

I hope the new location will be everything you hoped it to be. I'm sorry you had to go through that with your parents - it sounds like it really hurt.

I had a very different experience. I was first diagnosed with a mental illness when I was thirteen, and the next few years I was in and out of the hospital. My parents did not react the way I wanted/needed them to, and told them that they weren't my parents anymore. I refused to call them "Mama" and "Papa." I still lived with them because I had no where else to go (I did try to enter the foster care system at one point). So when I came out as a transsexual, I wasn't expected to be supported. I was seventeen and was willing to live on the streets as myself if it came down to that. However, my parents reacted well. They weren't perfect, but they were very good about everything. They even paid for my hormones until I turned eighteen and paid for top surgery even though I was already eighteen. They signed papers to let me change my name while I was still seventeen. And so on. Coming out actually let us heal our relationship. This year, I even apologized for my part in all of the mess and asked them if I could call them "Mama" and "Papa" again. They said yes.

My point is that just because parents don't react well to something doesn't mean they don't care. I'm not saying that you need to give them another chance - you have every right to assert your own boundaries. But maybe give your sister some time, if you feel it's appropriate.

I also posted this so that other people will see that not all parents react badly.