A torture

[Guest]

when i'm waiting in line to buy something and the clerk is saying : "bonjour monsieur" or "bonjour madame" which is translated to "hi mister" and "hi madam". I get so nervous, i'm always hoping the clerk will say hello madam. The worst is when the person stop this at me saying only "hello"... arggg god I hate that so much.

[MarcieMarie12]

Or worse says hi sir to the guy behind you and for split second you think you got clocked......I really hate that!

[Guest Jamie61]

I get the same, "hi guys..., or how are you guys doing...". I never thought how important being pronouned would be. I wish people would just use pronouns that represent what it's obvious a person is expressing.

So many highs, so many lows on this journey.. I really don't like how people will rationalize my negative experiences because of the setting... Like being discriminated against in the 'hardware store'.... as if selling hardware makes one likely to not like transpeople. Or being yelled at by people driving by in a old jalopy because they must be 'uneducated'...

You gotta love the people that treat you in regular fashion, even if they clock you.

[MarcieMarie12]

I know, my group of gaming friends have been wonderful about it. They try and use the right name and pronouns, and its nice to be validated like that even though I'm sure they have to watch themselves (and they do slip on occasion).

[Guest]

I would like to react better to slips and being clocked. But the reality is that's making me feel really bad each time. I don't think people can realize just how bad that make me feel.

I don't know if it's normal the way I react or I'm I overreacting?

[StephanieVikingGirl]

Hi Marie,

I totally get what you mean, it really bothered me when I was misgendered. I am very lucky, it hasn't happened to me in a very long time. I know that I am more sensitive than other women to pronouns, and it does kinda bother me when I get included in a mixed group of guys, and girls, and we all get lumped in with the overall title of "you guys". Okay, maybe it is weird that it bothers me, but it does. So yeah, I think your reaction is normal. I hope that in time during this wonderful journey, you find these kinds of incidents fade away, as you blend in as the woman you are.

hugs,

Stephanie

[Guest amanda_s]

in the last two weeks it has happened a lot. i feel like someone just hit me.

[Guest Clair Dufour]

French and also Spanish are rather sexists languages in formal use. I went to French (and English)Catholic school in New Hampshire and the French pronouns and tenses were the hardest regardless of which language we were most fluent in. Regardless, what we all spoke was Patois. 30 years later I went to PQ to commission TV transmitters for Radio Quebec and found that in Montreal it was very Parisian and out on the Gaspe it was still my good old Patois but things had changed. I had never heard the word salut followed by the persons name without sexist pronouns. Unless one had thoughts of fai de bebe! Later in Venezuela, that sexist stuff is all I heard from both genders, but, I digress. Here and now, if being mis-gendered becomes a problem, you can always come back with that your far sexier than those female gendered appliances everyone keeps talking about.

[Guest]

I wonder if planes feel as bad as me when they are called "she" (in french)?? F-16 are particularly girly, they kind of rub me the wrong way because I don't like such cliché.

[Charlize]

I get misgendered more by family and long time friends than in general society. It still hurts but less than it did at first. I usually just say she or her and let it go. They mean well and do pretty well bu there is something that seems very difficult to change those pronouns. They kinda stick.

in public i seem to more or less glide through with correct pronouns. It has gotten so much better as the years pass. Having said that the occasional "sir" is still as painful. That may always be the case or maybe i'll be lucky enough to accept myself as i am.

Hugs,

Charlize

[Cyndee]

My prayer to the great beyond "Oh lord, deliver me from the evils of language". It's mostly all in our heads, the greatest damage is what we do to ourselves. Find ways to stop the madness, either by changing one's external appearance and attitudes, and / or lessen the importance of such words, that has to come from within. Do try and disconnect from overthinking about language. Very difficult indeed, it takes a strong mind and perhaps a bit of selective hearing.

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Guest KerryUK]

It used to bother me a lot (I can't believe I'm actually saying that but it's true). The thing is, as one passes more and more - the correct pronouns tend to just 'come along' more and more (sometimes catching me out and I have to think 'oh yeah, they're right'). It's strange (and I've said this a lot before), the more confident we feel about ourselves - the more confidence we project ourselves to others. It's that confident 'projection' which shows to others that we are happy with who we are. When we show that, others pick up on it subconsciously and 'know' how to address us.

The thing about being referred to as 'guys' when out in a group is one that also used to raise my hackles. I've learned that actually, it's a kind of informal address for a group (even women) and used quite a lot too. Our sensitivity towards this is that 'guy' would normally refer to a male when in fact it can be anything these days. A similar term I've heard used is 'hiya kids' - to a group of adults by a friendly colleague, it's not meaning to identify them as immature or children but rather a fond term of endearment.

Hope this has made sense.

Kerry x

[Guest]

Ah yes! The good old "hi guys" greeting .

This Gender specific sounding greeting has somehow slipped out of its literal meaning and has become a catch all with no specific gender attachment to it. Its very common for one woman to greet two women with "hi guys". (Especially if there has been previous encounters)

I have found this to be most commonly used by a waitress. Dont sweat it! It means nothing.

Some of my most perplexing words to cope with are:

"Thanks, SWEETIE " or "Thank you Dear"

Or the ever present "Have a good day, Hon"

My mind thinks about it for a second and then I try to read their face to see if i may be getting clocked but suddenly i hear the voice inside saying "who cares?... They were polite and not gender specific...i can live with that."

Im still wanting my family to at least try a female pronoun for me but they are far from that!

But its interesting when i get called ma'am in front of them and suddenly they avoid using pronouns for me!

Funny story: my wife and I went to get our nails done and she was ordering for the both of us.

The nail tech says: "what will it be Ladies?"

My wife says "lm just getting an acrylic fill and" ....

(Long pause as she looks at me)..... (Now she's stuck! Lol) ... (How is she going to tell them what I am getting without saying the dreaded SHE?)...

So after giving it thought my wife says "we both want our nails to look the same." Lol !

I couldnt help but smile and laugh inside at her creativity and dedication.

Iv'e noticed that if I let go of my pronoun axiety and just tell people that knew me before transition to use whatever pronouns they feel comfortable with,

It becomes THEIR problem and no longer mine.

Just Food for thought.

[bobbisue]

Long before I came out to myself I had a customer who was mtf and I was totaly unsure how to greet her at the time so i simply made a point of remembering her name and using that it seemed to solve the situation though sometimes i wonder if some of my nervousness was because of my own hidden dysphoria . all of the staff did try to make her welcome even if they didnt understand her

bobbisue

[VickySGV]

Marie -- whatever the language, your feelings definitely put you out as "one of us" with full spirit and honor. I know too where Kerry is coming from and do think that in time as we become more comfortable in our lives and bodies, the pronoun gendering becomes less audible to us or simply is gotten right at the right times. You are doing fine there.

[Cyndee]

I've noticed that if I let go of my pronoun anxiety, It becomes THEIR problem and no longer mine.

Just Food for thought.

This post get 5 stars

[Tejana]

Marie -- whatever the language, your feelings definitely put you out as "one of us" with full spirit and honor. I know too where Kerry is coming from and do think that in time as we become more comfortable in our lives and bodies, the pronoun gendering becomes less audible to us or simply is gotten right at the right times. You are doing fine there.

I think I can relate to that post. Being "gendered or mis-gendered", in and of itself, ceased to bother me years ago. I just go with it, figuring that if I'm not giving off enough cues the fault is mine not the other person. The only thing that troubles me a bit is when the other person goes back and forth between masculine and feminine referents.

In retrospect, I find it interesting that all this stuff ever bothered me, or otherwise consumed so much of my attention. I guess I'm "post-transition" in terms of my current perspective. It's done, it's over, I seldom worry about it, and I believe that I'm now quite comfortable with the thought of dying within my own skin than I was prior to transitioning. Sometimes I feel a bit Pop-eye'ish, in the respect that I feel that, "I am what I am, and that's all that I am."--and I'm quite okay with that...